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Old 04-08-2016, 21:03   #1456
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Thank you socaldmax, I needed that.

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Old 04-08-2016, 21:09   #1457
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I really, really, really need to make this my last attempt at political humor.
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Old 05-08-2016, 01:18   #1458
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Re: The New Joke Thread

"...that wonderful self effacing humor, that was part of the greatest generation..."

no, just part of confident, self-assured people's personality
(but you're right insofar as bragging, showing off & selfpromotion is popular these days...)
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Old 05-08-2016, 06:10   #1459
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Re: The New Joke Thread

The other day, I was driving by the bank. They must've had a promotion thing or something, they had a couple of those big blow-up bounce house type things, shaped like currency, like dollars and coins and things. There was a crowd around one, and some Mexican was like, sitting on the very top of one for some reason. Next thing you know, he's dancing in this crazy half-naked Prince costume, and singing. So I yell up and ask dude, what are you doing?! and he said it was a bet that he wouldn't do it... Anyway, I go about my way. I see my buddy, and he goes "Hey, you know any good children's bedtime stories to tell?" and I thought about it...yes, yes I do..

Juan's up on a dime, dare was a Prince ass...
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Old 05-08-2016, 10:51   #1460
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by double u View Post
"...that wonderful self effacing humor, that was part of the greatest generation..."

no, just part of confident, self-assured people's personality
(but you're right insofar as bragging, showing off & selfpromotion is popular these days...)
That's why I love all of those youtube videos of some punk flexing on someone and getting knocked out with one punch, or a girl beating a purse snatcher senseless in front of a crowd of cheering onlookers.

One of my favorites was the punk with a knife who tried to rob a 65 yr old retired Marine. He had 2 bags of groceries in his arms. He drops the groceries, drops the kid with 2 punches, takes his knife away, picks up his groceries and walks home like it was just another day in the hood.


That gets me laughing every time!
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Old 06-08-2016, 17:27   #1461
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
She asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her Teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as Well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing
The street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
Another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
Ambulance?"


God replied:

I didn't recognize you!!!!!"
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Old 06-08-2016, 17:38   #1462
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Re: The New Joke Thread

> A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a
> gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.
> He's been checking her out since he sat
> down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
>
>
> Suddenly she sneezes, and her
> glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
>

> He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and
> hands it back.
>
> "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place..
>
> "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
>
>
> They enjoy a wonderful dinner
> together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks.
>
>
> They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he
> shares his. She listens.
>
>
> After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a
> nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time.
>
>
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed.
>
>
> Everything had been SO incredible!
>
> "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every
> guy you meet?"
>
>
> "No," she replies. .
> .
>
> "You just happened to catch my eye."
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Old 06-08-2016, 20:34   #1463
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Re: The New Joke Thread

So he says I live in the neighborhood.
And she says, "I'll keep an eye out for you."

Different joke.
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Old 06-08-2016, 22:12   #1464
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by jongleur View Post
So he says I live in the neighborhood.
And she says, "I'll keep an eye out for you."

Different joke.
I know the build up to that one
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Old 06-08-2016, 22:18   #1465
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Jongleur's bare punch line reminded me of this:

New crew member on a ship is sitting in the mess on his first evening when one of the crew calls out "17" and everyone starts laughing. A bit later someone else calls out "39" and gets an even bigger round of laughter. This happens a few more times - someone calls out a number and everyone laughs.

The newbie asks one of the old hands what is going on and the old hand tells him:
"We've been together for so long that we all know everyone's jokes. So we just numbered them and now we call out the number instead of going through the whole joke.

The newbie asks if he can have a go and he is told to go ahead. So he calls out "24". This is met by a deafening silence. So he calls out "13" and again is met by the same.

He asks the old hand what was wrong, why did no one laugh?

The old hand replies "It's the way you tell 'em!"
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Old 07-08-2016, 00:41   #1466
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 07-08-2016, 00:42   #1467
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Old 07-08-2016, 00:46   #1468
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Old 07-08-2016, 00:49   #1469
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Old 07-08-2016, 00:51   #1470
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