The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday 
I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”

The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again …”

[socaldmax]

My client buys many rental properties, not always with the 
enthusiastic support of his wife. Recently, I was showing him a home when his wife called. I could hear her ask what he was doing. “The real estate agent and I are having an affair,” he answered.

“Oh, thank God,” she said. “I thought she was selling you another house.”

[socaldmax]

As the music swelled during a recent wedding reception, my hopelessly romantic husband squeezed my hand, leaned in, and said, “You are better looking than half the women here.”


The doctor says he'll be fully recovered in a couple of weeks.

[socaldmax]

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.

—Richard Pryor



I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”

She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”

I told her, “How about the kitchen?”

—Henny Youngman




A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.”

“Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal.

He replies, “Two weeks.”

—Source: Funny in Canada Survey



When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset.

@TheNardvark

Do people who say “Exercise helps me relax” know about not exercising?

@RobinMcCauley




A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?”

The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

[socaldmax]

On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me 
a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”

“Maybe you’ll find out tonight,” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small gift wrapped package and gave it to her. She ripped off the wrapping paper to discover a book titled "The Meaning of Dreams."

[socaldmax]

As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit.

I came around the corner into the kitchen with my gun raised only to discover my wife loading the dishwasher. She looked up and asked, "What the heck are you doing?" I told her I thought I heard an intruder and came down to scare him off.

She scanned my doughy, pale body and said, "You really didn't need the gun."

[GILow]

Originally Posted by D&D

Dear Welfare Office:

I would like to present before you the following story.

Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an18-year-old daughter.

.....



Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfil the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?

Sincerely yours,

And here it is set to music.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7x1ETPkZsk

[Cormorant]

"I'm my Own Grandpa" goes back quite a ways. There's an interesting history of it on Wikipedia:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I'm_My_Own_Grandpa

Including this bit:
>
According to a 2007 article, the song was inspired by an anecdote that has been published periodically by newspapers for well over 150 years.[1] The earliest citation was from the Republican Chronicle of Ithaca, New York on April 24, 1822 and that was copied from the London Literary Gazette:

A proof that a man may be his own Grandfather.—There was a widow and her daughter-in-law, and a man and his son. The widow married the son, and the daughter the old man; the widow was, therefore, mother to her husband's father, consequently grandmother to her own husband. They had a son, to whom she was great-grandmother; now, as the son of a great-grandmother must be either a grandfather or great-uncle, this boy was therefore his own grandfather. N. B. This was actually the case with a boy at a school in Norwich.[2]

An 1884 book, The World of Wonders, attributed the original "remarkable genealogical curiosity" to Hood's Magazine.[3]

[CharlzO]

I'm more used to the upbeat Ray Stevens version:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYlJH81dSiw

One of my favs tho lol. That, and The Day That Clancy Drowned (which would probably resonate to a lot more of us than we might admit!)

[Canibul]

Y'all know about Dark Suckers, right?

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise.
Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus, they now call these bulbs dark-suckers. The dark theory, according to a Bell Labs spokesman, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark is faster than light. The basis of the dark-sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark.
Take for example the dark-suckers in the room where you are.
There is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark.
Dark-suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.
As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice after the first use the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.
There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it must either be emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can be operated again. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. Thus, it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. The immense power of the dark can be utilized to man's advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of the lakes and push it through turbines which generate electricity and help push dark to the ocean, where it maybe safely stored.
In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives much easier. So, the next time you look at an electric bulb, remember that it is indeed a dark sucker!

[socaldmax]

That's also why LEDs mounted on PC boards have reference designators of DS1, DS2, etc. It stands for Dark Sucker 1, Dark Sucker 2, etc.

[GordMay]

Not exactly a joke; but humorous, nonetheless.

The Michigan state Senate voted unanimously Wednesday to repeal a number of laws.

According to the Detroit Free Press, the laws to be repealed include:

Swearing in front of women and children, and making fun of someone who doesn't accept a duel are misdemeanors carrying fines of $750.
Singing "The Star Spangled Banner" in a nontraditional or disrespectful manner is a misdemeanor that carries a three-month jail sentence.
Prohibiting certain endurance contests, such as walk-a-thons, which carries a jail sentence of 90 days or a $100 fine.
Trespassing on a cranberry, huckleberry or blackberry marsh carries a sentence of 90 days in jail.
Requiring any able-bodied man over the age of 18 to respond to the state Department of Natural Resources to help out in cases of emergency. Failure to do so is a misdemeanor.
Prohibiting the use of certain words in print advertising relating to sexual diseases, including: "lost manhood" or "lost vitality or vigor." Violating the act is a misdemeanor carrying a punishment of one year in jail.
Making it a crime for a doctor to keep or display the remains of a deformed human being or a "human monstrosity," except for scientific purposes for medical classes.

Other old and unenforced laws that would be deleted include accepting a challenge to a duel and stealing vegetables from a garden.

[socaldmax]

Fantastic News concerning Pensions and Benefits in the UK.





نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيستنقش

ديوار و چشم

خيره
ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نوراگر رفت سايه. ر رفت نور اگررفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار وچشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگرنميدان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفتديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايهدگرنمي دان نور اگر رفت سايهپيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيرهماسايه
ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايهدگر نمي دان نور اگر رفتسايهپيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ماپيدا

نيست نقش

If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.

[socaldmax]

None of his classmates liked him cause of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You’re driving me mad, Tyrone!!" One day Tyrone's mom came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career. The mom was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon who practiced in Cleveland, could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her.
She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died.

The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Tyrone, working as a janitor in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner!










Don't tell me you thought Tyrone became a heart-surgeon...


get real.

[socaldmax]

A farmer stopped by his local garage to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware shop and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed shop and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the shop he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 14 gardenia close?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.