Fending off family

[sailorboy1]

Would seem that if family just invites themselves along then if you don"y want them you should just tell them. No reason to dance around a person who just invites themselves.

[neilpride]

I have a chainplate with a crack, I noticed yesterday inspecting them.

Or, the engine won't start, i think it has water in the tank.

Don't forget to loosen two injectors beforehand in case he wants to check, haha.

It never fails.

[wrwakefield]

We always say if you're coming to see us, come on over. If you're coming to see (or experience) the boat, we will have to make an appointment (typically months in advance...)

Having a boat cat stops a good percentage from ever asking...

Good luck!

Cheers, Bill

[LakeSuperior]

I had a work acquaintance that, out of the blue, invited himself on my boat. I point blank told him it was impolite to invite himself along. He responded with, "well if I don't invite myself I never get to do any fun things."

[MicHughV]

This is an interesting thread.....but there are a lot of other unwanted components that should be included in this thread...
As a for instance.....heard this from a friend..an old girlfriend raps on your hull asking to come aboard, whilst the new girlfriend down below asks..."who dat ?"

[flightlead404]

Originally Posted by Greatest Lakes

Nothing says fun like taking a rookie with you in 35-45 knot winds. Make sure to feed him a big meal first. Well. Rent him a big meal first.

Might want to check if he's prone to motion sickness. That plan wouldn't work for some of the lucky ones of us.

[bccoast]

If it was family, I'd just suck it up. I have some extended family that I am not the fondest of and the thought of spending any length of time with them seems unbearable but... I have done some random things with a few of them and you know what, it wasnt the worst. In fact, made things more tolerable when had to be around in the future.

now if they want to keep coming back sailing then you def need to put them to work. 5 hours work for every hour on the boat.

[JPA Cate]

now if they want to keep coming back sailing then you def need to put them to work. 5 hours work for every hour on the boat.

On the other hand, if it works out okay, maybe he'll volunteer to help at haulouts, and turn into good crew! Ya just never know.

[NevilleCat]

...oh I forgot to tell you that I have the boat up for antifouling this week...since you're here, chuck on these overalls and grab that spare sander will you...

[Starbuck]

This is a little vague to shoot at because we don't have helpful information like

• your sailing experience
• your past habits or future plans regarding inviting others along
• examples of his past behavior
• your wife's and other relevant family members' attitudes
• past reactions to asserting yourself and/or family dynamics that have set in

So, I'm not a doctor, but I'll have a look at it.

In my experience, there are three ways to deal with people who are tactlessly insensitive or oblivious to healthy boundaries.

1. You can let them commit continued boundary violations and just let it all bounce off of you, or absorb the hits as your preferences are violated, displaying good humor and dispensing grace (be a true saint, or a suffering-in-silence martyr, depending on your view).
2. You can be creative about frustrating their passive-agressiveness with creative responses, e.g., refilling your carton of lactose-free milk with whole milk if your lactose-intolerant roommate is stealing your food, or respond with "malicious compliance," knowing that giving the offender what he states he wants will make him suffer in some way (be petty, or a fake ignorance, and enjoy the serving up of just desserts, depending on your view).
3. You can set clear limits for them, gently but firmly, then consistently enforce those boundaries, and accept/deal with the consequences from them or others whose attitudes and actions you cannot control anyway (model good boundaries, express your preferences assertively but not aggressively, live in the integrity of your character).

Most of the responses you're getting are forms of (A), chosen victimhood (leaving out the super-human saints) or (B), some shade of sadism. Psychologists will tell you that (C) is by far the healthiest option and a better long-term life strategy because it trades on positive character traits such as honesty, accountability, and valuing yourself and others equally, and builds integrity and self-confidence in you, i.e., you start to like and grow in liking the kind of person you see in the mirror.

I think a (C)-category response is preferable, and Striker's post (#2) best exemplifies it. So throw your shoulders back, look him in the eye, and state your preferences in a diplomatic way, perhaps something like:

"I just don't see us spending several hours together and both of us enjoying it."
"But I really want to see what sailing is all about."
"I'd rather not."
"I'm sure we'll have a great time, you and I."
"I'd rather not."
"Why not? I won't be a problem."
"I'd rather not."
"I thought we always got along. Is this personal? Don't you like me? Because I like you."
"No, it's not that. I'd just rather not."
"Then what is it? Have I done something to offend you? I don't understand why you're being this way."
"I'd just rather not."
"You've always been selfish with your stuff, and treated me like trash!"
"I'm sorry you see it that way. I'd simply rather not."

If he's agressive, remain assertive and just keep repeating variations of "I'd rather not" over and over after you've given your reason/stated your preference. Don't make the mistake of defending or explaining your preference: that will just invite him to out-argue you as if it were a debate. Your preference is not a debate topic. He'll eventually have to accept it, or will run to others to call in reinforcements to pressure you. You'll have to stick to your guns without becoming defensive, argumentative, or personally attacking; rather, remain calm, kind, consistent and even-toned.

After everyone is done plying, threatening, and negotiating with you, they will finally throw their hands up in derision and consternation, label you as something-or-other (often "selfish" is used) to sooth their egos, and the overall family dynamic may change. Either they (all or some) will be more against you long-term and you have a long beat to weather ahead of you, or it was just your fathead of a brother-in-law whom you put in his proper place, and you will gain respect sooner rather than later.

I hope this is helpful for you. Only you know what you really want, both in the short- and long-terms, and what you're capable of doing and enduring, given your overall situation. Good luck and we'd love to hear what happens, no matter which path you choose.

Fair Winds.

[duke001]

Originally Posted by Striker

I have folks offering to go with me when I go on single handed offshore jaunts. I say it straight out “ no offense but part of the main goal is to be alone”
Seems to be effective.

Just tell him your enjoyment of “bare boating” and he’s welcome to join you if he doesn’t mind. No need to fill him in on what bare boating really means. Chances are, he’ll uninvite himself. 😇

[Lake-Effect]

Originally Posted by Capt Andy

What is your diplomatic go to when not wanting family on your boat? I have a BIL who is interested in sailing and has all but invited himself onto the boat but I don't like his company. What is a "polite" way to say "No thanks!"?

This seems to be a family/interpersonal problem, not a boating problem per se. Can we assume you don't like him, period? Do you socialize with your sibling and the BIL at all? If you have a cordial relationship socially, then having the couple aboard for an afternoon sail shouldn't be any more painful than that.

If there's no personal relationship, then it's strange that the BIL would want to be out with you. Anyway, assuming you have no desire to foster a better relationship, you can invite them (the couple) out for a social sail, suggest a sailing school, and confess (or lie) that you're not a good or patient teacher.

I regularly sail with friends and fellow club members, but I also often just go out alone or with my wife. There's no friction involved; we just do what we do.

[two-rocks]

I just say, OK- and never actually set up a time/date.

[Josehoya]

Haha, say there is boat work that you need to get done. Then do it and do a “test” sail by yourself.

[IolantheSF]

I have an SIL and DIL who obstinately will not understand the rules for using the head. The last time, it cost me 6 hours of hard work disassembling the entire system and using steel hooks to pull sanitary products out of the head, pump, and hoses. Now, whenever they want to visit, the heads are "broken". End of problem.