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Capt Andy · 04-05-2023, 11:08

What is your diplomatic go to when not wanting family on your boat? I have a BIL who is interested in sailing and has all but invited himself onto the boat but I don't like his company. What is a "polite" way to say "No thanks!"?

Striker · 04-05-2023, 12:12

I have folks offering to go with me when I go on single handed offshore jaunts. I say it straight out “ no offense but part of the main goal is to be alone”
Seems to be effective.

El Pinguino · 04-05-2023, 15:22

Has he sailed before?
If not then suffer a bit of personal pain and take him on a 48 hour bash to windward.
About 24 hours in say 'Call me when it moderates' and retire below.
I doubt he will return.

valhalla360 · 04-05-2023, 15:55

Are we talking about an afternoon day sail or a 4 week crossing?
- Day sail, just suck it up and play nice.
- Longer trip, just be up front that you aren't comfortable taking others with you on long voyages.

**JPA Cate** · 04-05-2023, 16:49

I would start with the BIL's expectations. Does he drink alcoholic beverages and you do not? Tell him you keep a dry boat. You get to be finicky. If he uses weed and you don't want it on the boat at all, you get to declare it off limits. If he has health issues for which you don't want to be responsible, don't accept him aboard. It is harsh, but you're the skipper. It is your duty to take skippering seriously. Are the BiL's expectations relative to some sort of yachting fantasy? or does the poor guy just want to get to know you better?

Ask yourself if it possible you might get to like him if he toned down a certain kind of behavior? [ask him to change it for the day] Or are you firmly set against him? [don't let him on board] What will the family repercussions be if you are truly unwilling to take him? How would your Mom handle it? Would he be easier to take if your sister came, too? [Maybe she could bring lunch and snacks for everyone?] The "I want to be alone" response at least doesn't blame him, you're taking responsibility for what you want.

You don't say how much room there is on the boat, what kind is it? How big is it? Big enough for three for a day sail. Leave at 10, rtb by 4?

I don't think there IS a diplomatic way to say to someone that they are unwelcome.
El Pinguino's suggestion/manipulation could work, take him out and get him seasick, and then make him stand watch, and he might not want to come back. Maybe think about what he would have to agree to do, and then hold him to it for safety reasons, since you are responsible for welfare of boat and crew.

Or just don't care. Accept that there may be unknown fallout from refusing point blank to take him because of whatever it is that you find unacceptable, and just say no, anyway. Just don't think it is diplomatic.

Ann

brazenarticle · 04-05-2023, 17:11

Be a grownup. If you want someone on the boat say "yes". If not, say "no".

MicHughV · 04-05-2023, 17:22

All the above is all good and well, but you may find that the BIL enjoys it all and wants to come back for more....'jes sayin'...

Greatest Lakes · 04-05-2023, 17:33

Nothing says fun like taking a rookie with you in 35-45 knot winds. Make sure to feed him a big meal first. Well. Rent him a big meal first.

**djousset** · 04-05-2023, 18:08

This is hilarious. And harsh. And reasonable. Some of this advice is easier to consider than execute. When family is involved there's a level of decorum one may try to maintain. After all there can be a cost for blunt honesty. Maybe he's trying to connect with you. Maybe he's an ass hat. Maybe he'll unwittingly sink your boat. Or turn out to be very adept. I say roll the dice. I can't wait to hear how it turns out.

**boatman61** · 04-05-2023, 18:12

Quote:

Originally Posted by MicHughV

All the above is all good and well, but you may find that the BIL enjoys it all and wants to come back for more....'jes sayin'...

Knew a bloke who raced dinghies every w'end and Bank Holidays round the buoys in Poole Harbour..
He nagged me for weeks for a sail on my Magyar 7 so one day in late September after the race season had ended I told him to meet me at 10am on Sunday down at the b'yard and we'd go out into the bay, have a couple of beers in the Pub at Studland then a few hours sailing then head back in on the flood.
Things went well heading out with a S'westerly 4 coming over the land and smooth water, a nice sail and we dropped the hook off Studland and waded ashore and headed for the Pub.. a few beers and a meal later we got back to the boat around 1500hrs, raised the hook then headed E past Old Harry toward the Isle of Wight running on a broad reach.
Level with Christchurch I gybed and headed for Poole entrance close hauled into a by now F5 with maybe a metre chop... He was crapping himself for the next 3hrs, I could not believe it.. the strut was knocked right out off him, he never sailed outside again.. Flat water racing was excitement enough.
Do some wind over tide sailing in open water.. easy ride out, bouncy one back..

MicHughV · 04-05-2023, 18:22

Some people are just prone to getting seasick, most often newbies. Picking a windy day might offer a solution that will present itself without you having to rock the family boat.

Capt Andy · 04-05-2023, 18:47

Some good suggestions here. It's a 30' sailboat. I don't get the feeling he's wanting to know me better. He's just thinking "Cool, I know someone with a sailboat." I think I'll give it a day on the water with him. Get to know him a bit better. I do need the alone time and will have him understand that. We'll see how it goes.

ChrisJHC · 04-05-2023, 23:28

Make it clear that he’s there to work and not be a passenger.

If he enjoys it, you may have yourself another crew member - always a good thing.

And you may find that doing a shared activity makes him less objectionable!