The New Joke Thread

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What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?

Banned from the petting zoo.

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Apparently scientists have found female hormones in beer.

They observed that after they gave three men twelve pints, suddenly they got emotional, gained weight and couldn't drive.

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I've just taken up speed reading. Last night I did war and peace in 20 seconds.

I know it's only 3 words but it's a start!

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I was at my mate's stag night yesterday, when he and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid.
"Drink it," they said, giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the bastards were trying to pull.



Fosters.

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Since there are more Chinese people than any other race on Earth, does that mean they have normal eyes and we have big crazy googly ones?

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American scientists have finally developed a car that runs on water!

Sadly, so far it only works with the water from the Gulf of Mexico.

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I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'.
You probably saw our posters.

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After queueing up for almost half an hour in the chemist last week, I finally got to the counter and the woman looked at me and said, "I'm really sorry about your wait."

In a rattled state, I replied, "You're not so frigging skinny yourself, actually."

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I got a call at work today from the hospital. They said my wife had been admitted and she may have to be kept in overnight.

I was very worried; who would cook the dinner?

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The day after Christmas, I had a guy knock on my door, trying to preach to me about Jesus, saying how I should repent for my sins.

My 10-year-old son was still excited and ran to the door shouting "Santa Claus came to my house!"

The man looked at me and said "Isn't he a bit old to believe that there's an invisible man in the sky, watching everything you do, judging whether you're good or bad?"

I looked at him and asked "Sorry, which church were you from again?"

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Yesterday, my mum asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party.

That's when I realised he was the favourite twin.

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I was thinking of starting up a small zoo, so I wrote a letter to London Zoo;

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a zoo, please send me two mongooses."

I thought that didn't sound right so I tried again;

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me two mongeese."

Nope, that still didn't sound right;

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me two mongi."

Ahh, screw it, I thought,

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me a mongoose.

P.S. Send me another one."

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Barack Obama wakes up one morning, feeling good. He calls in his Vice-President.
"Joe", he says, "I think I need a new title to reflect my position as leader of the free world. I'm going to call myself King."

"You can't do that," says Joe, "you don't have a kingdom."

"Okay then," says Barack, "what about Emperor?"

"No good. You don't have an empire."

"Prince?"

"No. America isn't a principality."

"Okay... Err... Duke?"

"Nor is it a Duchy."

"Well, do you have any better ideas?" asks an exasperated Obama.

Biden smiles. "It's obvious, Barack," he says. "You run a country."

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I was in Tesco and saw a guy off Crimewatch who is wanted for several robberies. I tackled him to the ground and punched him unconscious. The police arrived and arrested me.


Apparently they use actors on the show.

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10 reasons why men are lazy:

1)