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Old 03-01-2020, 02:29   #8041
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 03-01-2020, 02:30   #8042
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 03-01-2020, 04:04   #8043
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Re: The New Joke Thread

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Old 03-01-2020, 06:22   #8044
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Contronyms (Words with Contradictory Meanings - or their own opposites)
The English language includes an interesting category of words and phrases called contronyms (also spelled contranyms, or referred to as autoantonyms) — terms that, depending on context, can have opposite or contradictory meanings.

Trim as a verb predates the noun, but it can also mean either adding or taking away. Arising from an Old English word meaning "to make firm or strong; to settle, arrange," trim came to mean "to prepare, make ready." Depending on who or what was being readied, it could mean either of two contradictory things: "to decorate something with ribbons, laces, or the like to give it a finished appearance" or "to cut off the outgrowths or irregularities of." But, the context doesn’t always make it clear. If you’re trimming the tree are you using tinsel or a chain saw?

Left can mean either remaining or departed. If the gentlemen have withdrawn to the drawing room for after-dinner cigars, who’s left? (The gentlemen have left, and the ladies are left.)

Flog, meaning "to punish by caning or whipping," shows up in school slang of the 17th century, but now it can have the contrary meaning, "to promote persistently," as in “flogging a new book.” Perhaps that meaning arose from the sense "to urge (a horse, etc.) forward by whipping," which grew out of the earliest meaning.

Weather can mean "to withstand or come safely through" (as in the company weathered the recession) or it can mean "to be worn away" (the rock was weathered).

More ➥ https://www.dailywritingtips.com/75-...tory-meanings/
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Old 03-01-2020, 06:36   #8045
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Nice bit o' trim that
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Old 03-01-2020, 07:16   #8046
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Also: Chaperone; Someone to guard 2 people from having sex, or nominally providing this disservice while actually acting as benign lookout.
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Old 03-01-2020, 08:24   #8047
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Contronyms - what a fun word. I thought "literally" was newly added to that list with so many using it to mean "figuratively", but turns out that has been around awhile. Charles Dickens, 1839, Nicholas Nickleby: “his looks were very haggard, and his limbs and body literally worn to the bone…”

Two contronyms walked into what was transparently a bar...
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Old 03-01-2020, 09:07   #8048
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Re: The New Joke Thread

meaning of "virtually" has flipped
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Old 03-01-2020, 09:17   #8049
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Re: The New Joke Thread

[At a wedding]

Priest: Repeat after me...

Groom: After me.

Priest, to bride: Is he serious?

Bride: No, his name is Gary.
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Old 03-01-2020, 09:20   #8050
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Am elderly gentleman with hearing problems goes to the doctor and gets fitted with hearing aids.

After a month he goes back for a checkup and the doctor asks him how things are going now that he can hear everything.

The gentleman replied, "I haven't told anyone yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times already!"
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Old 03-01-2020, 09:22   #8051
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I started reading 'Lord of Rings' for the new year. Apparently Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing "the ring" drained his youth, energy, and joy in life...

Turns out "the ring," was a wedding ring.
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Old 03-01-2020, 09:22   #8052
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Re: The New Joke Thread

I love making puns about ‘The Sound of Music’...

It's really my ideal vice.
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Old 04-01-2020, 06:39   #8053
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Re: The New Joke Thread

......Click image for larger version

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Old 04-01-2020, 09:38   #8054
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Re: The New Joke Thread

Two men, Chlorine and Fluorine walk into a bar.

The bartender greets them: "Halo gens!"
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Old 04-01-2020, 09:40   #8055
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Re: The New Joke Thread

A man is at his house when he hears a loud knock on his door. He looks out the window and sees a police officer so he opens up and says, "Hello officer, what can I do for you?"

The officer says, "I'm sorry sir, but you're under arrest for illegally downloading all of wikipedia."

Frantically, the man replies, "Officer wait, I can explain everything!"
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