The New Joke Thread

[boatman61]

Three friends die and go to heaven...
and meet God at the gate. God tells them that he will give them cars to drive into heaven, but first they have to tell him how many times they cheated on their wives, and they shouldn't bother lying because he has a big record book of every person's actions.

God turns to the first man and asks how many times he cheated on his wife, to which the man responds "twice." God flips through the big book, and sure enough, the man was telling the truth. "Since you were honest, you can get into heaven, but for cheating on your wife twice, you have to drive this 1996 Chevy Lumina for eternity," and he hands the man the keys.

God then looks at the next man and asks the same question. "I cheated on my wife 10 times," the next man replied nervously. God opened his big book, flipped through and saw that the man was telling the truth.

"For cheating on your wife 10 times, you will drive a rusty 1977 Ford Pinto for eternity" and hands the man the keys.

God then turns to the third man. "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"I never did."

God looks at the man skeptically and replies "You know if you lie to me, you will have to spend eternity in hell. I'll give you one more chance to tell the truth. How many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"I didn't cheat on her, God, I was always faithful."

"Very well then." God said, and flipped to the man's name in his book.
God looks up at the man, surprised, and says "Well what do you know? You were telling the truth! Here's a Ferrari Enzo made of solid gold to drive forever! Now go enjoy heaven, my children."

They all start driving into heaven, but then the first two men see the golden Ferrari stopped at the gate. They go to see what the problem is, and the driver is crying in the front seat.

"You are in heaven and you get to drive a car made of solid gold until the end of time, what could possibly be wrong?"

"I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"

[GordMay]

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by StuM

Much more than just "an old pop song" and the dog is not singing the lyrics to an old pop song.



Apparently you don't know what a mondegreen is and appear to have missed the key element of the joke.



The joke was that Dorothy's dog named Toto was supposedly repeating a line from a famous song by the band Toto.

Unfortunately that often repeated line is a common mondegreen which rather spoils the joke.

I'm well aware of the whole Toto thing.

Do you ever stop trying to ruin the jokes?

[socaldmax]

Yup...

[socaldmax]

poker face...

[toddster8]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Makes sense...

Just last night I noticed that exact phenomenon at the "handicapped parking" zone at the park.

[JoeRobertJr]

Originally Posted by StuM

But how many will get that it's a mondegreen?

I just learned a new word. Thanks!
And the origin of that word, per Wikipedia, is also very interesting.

[JPA Cate]

Originally Posted by JoeRobertJr

I just learned a new word. Thanks!
And the origin of that word, per Wikipedia, is also very interesting.

Thank you for writing the above, Joe. It sent me to Wiki, and I used to sing along on that song on a Ewan Mac Coll record....years, and years ago.

Ann

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by JPA Cate

Thank you for writing the above, Joe. It sent me to Wiki, and I used to sing along on that song on a Ewan Mac Coll record....years, and years ago.

Ann

Really?

On which album of his did it come out? I'm positive the band Toto released that song in 1982. MacColl died in 1989.

[JPA Cate]

Sorry, socaldmax, I don't remember the title of the record. It was long ago, before we left to go cruising, and of course, all the records are gone. I had a number of Scottish Ballads records. All history now. It was in a time of revival of old folk music. I had some folk festival records, and he participated in some of them, so it could also have been on one of them.

Ann

[boatman61]

Africa.

Produced By;Toto
Written By; Jeff Porcaro & David Paich 1982.

[Reefmagnet]

Originally Posted by StuM

But how many will get that it's a mondegreen?

Gawwdammit. just realised I've been mondegreening The Go-Go's "Or lips are sealed" with "Alex the seal" for decades!

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=r3kQlzOi27M

[HopCar]

My personal mondegreen is that famous CCR song, “There’s a bathroom on the right”. I know it’s wrong. I know it’s a Bad Moon on the Rise, but I still hear There’s a Bathroom on the Right.

[socaldmax]

Wow!

All this time I've been pronouncing it "The New Joke Thread"!

[socaldmax]

ATLANTA, GA—In a surprise announcement today, the CDC revised its guidelines on social distancing. Vaccinated people can now ignore social distancing if needed in order to punch an unvaccinated person in the face.

"We highly encourage punching as many unvaccinated people in the face as possible," said Dr. Nancy Messonnier. "We think this will be an effective tool for encouraging many more people to stop resisting the vaccination-- since our science indicates very few people enjoy being punched in the face."

The CDC confirms these new guidelines are "effective immediately," and will be in place until every unvaccinated person has been sufficiently punched.

"If people are still resistant after the first dose of punching, we recommend a second dose-- and in some rare cases-- a third dose, right in the nose," said Messonnier.

The CDC walked back their statement just a few hours later, suggesting that people still try to keep their distance from unvaccinated people by instead bonking them in the head with a long stick.