Wife is Close to Axing Cruising Dreams

[Stu Jackson]

Originally Posted by BandB

Ah but you think he never changed his mind. Maybe the basis on which they worked it out changed. Perception of finances. I don't know. None of us do. But perhaps finding out what changed could help them. Something pushed them both to this point.

...

One doesn't go from all in to all out overnight.

I don't disagree, but ALL we have to go on is his OP. Which sounds like only she changed her mind.

None of us do.

How true...

Wish he'd come back, wonder where he is...

[weavis]

Originally Posted by Stu Jackson

I don't disagree, but ALL we have to go on is his OP. Which sounds like only she changed her mind.

None of us do.

How true...

Wish he'd come back, wonder where he is...

LOL after reading all this he will be even more confused!

But....... As long as he is prepared to give it all up for her if she doesnt budge from her stance......... then thats the decision made.

C.F. Marital Guidance open 24/7.. We dont promise to help but we will offer advice.

[BandB]

Cruising isn't the same for any two people, so any wonder that two people would look at it differently. We all see it differently, do it differently. We wouldn't enjoy it in the way many here do it and they wouldn't enjoy our version of it. Just a humorous example the other day in Tacoma. We went to the Museum of Glass and then to the art museum. Two 18 year olds on board found a game room and then went to the mall. Two others stayed near the marina and talked to various others there.

[Adventurebound]

Someone will make a never ending movie based on this thread and become fabulously wealthy. Days of our Lives has been around since the dinosaurs, and now the cruising version.

[BandB]

Originally Posted by Adventurebound

Someone will make a never ending movie based on this thread and become fabulously wealthy. Days of our Lives has been around since the dinosaurs, and now the cruising version.

True, so movie or television?

Although actually this topic worded slightly differently is quite relevant to many boaters. That is, how do you handle it when partners feel differently about cruising. I'd guess fewer than 10% like it equally. The ones I really feel bad for are captains and other crew members. Very difficult to form relationships when you have their schedules.

[Stu Jackson]

One question: Does anybody know for sure how long his/their cruise was planned for? I don't know if he was just planning to go south for a limited time or "forever..."

Are we all still guessing about that?

[klmmicro]

The way I read it, just for a while. Would be interesting to see her post her feelings and what she has as goals. It does indeed sound like hers and his are rather exclusive of one another. That seems to happen more than occasionally and so a couple (married or not) ends up having top choose whose dream will be chased. I sort of feel bad for the loser.

It is good to get to know someone for a long while before committing to a lifetime. It seems a little silly to hook up with someone that does not have the same dream as you.

I am happily single. Been married, it did not work out. The reason for the failure? Drugs. My mate decided to choose a substance over family. I guess it did make me a little grumpy for a while, but I have enough female friends that know I am not to be happy. Do not think I would get married again, but not because I have sworn off women. I kind of think I am too old to put that much time in to figuring out if I am compatible with someone for the rest of my days.

Sorry, just rambling.

[Celestialsailor]

I think we should take bets now to when this thread will be closed down...my bet is around post #240...

[Adventurebound]

This thread will only be closed down only when they run out if ink.

With regard to how long you need to know each other to ensure a sucessful marriage-no relation. Ive seen couples engaged longer than they were married. I knew my wife less than two days before we decide to get married 26 years ago. We don't have many interests in common and just meet at the end of the day. No problems there.

[BandB]

Originally Posted by Adventurebound

This thread will only be closed down only when they run out if ink.

With regard to how long you need to know each other to ensure a sucessful marriage-no relation. Ive seen couples engaged longer than they were married. I knew my wife less than two days before we decide to get married 26 years ago. We don't have many interests in common and just meet at the end of the day. No problems there.

Wifey B: We knew the night we met. It was almost immediate, but we also know that's not normal. I called my roomies and they detected it. The romantic one thought it was great. The more skeptical one told me to get my behind home right then, that she did not like what was going on at all. She didn't get her way. Well, I did go home a couple of days later. On the other hand if it takes years, you have your answer that you're not meant to be married. Something is telling you otherwise. No two couples are the same.

As to closing the thread, it's actually remaining nice and well behaved. No reason to close it. Unless the OP's wife orders it closed.

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by BandB

Wifey B: We knew the night we met. It was almost immediate, but we also know that's not normal. I called my roomies and they detected it. The romantic one thought it was great. The more skeptical one told me to get my behind home right then, that she did not like what was going on at all. She didn't get her way. Well, I did go home a couple of days later. On the other hand if it takes years, you have your answer that you're not meant to be married. Something is telling you otherwise. No two couples are the same.

As to closing the thread, it's actually remaining nice and well behaved. No reason to close it. Unless the OP's wife orders it closed.

See, that right there rubs me the wrong way. What gives her the authority to "order" a thread closed? Who gave her the authority to give her husband an ultimatum? What if 30 people want to continue the discussion? One person gets to determine what 30 other people can or cannot discuss? If she doesn't like it, she can click on something else.

I personally don't want to watch LMN, or OWN, or any of the women centric channels. Do I want to see them shut down? Of course not, I simply ignore them and let others enjoy them.

Why do some people feel the need to shut down what other people enjoy (whether it's an activity, a dream, a thread or a TV channel) rather than just mind their own business? It's becoming a real problem in this world when you can't discuss something, or do something because someone has made it their mission to destroy anything they don't enjoy themselves.

Ordering other people around and issuing ultimatums is just not a good way to get along with people, much less someone you love. Supposedly.

[BandB]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

See, that right there rubs me the wrong way. What gives her the authority to "order" a thread closed? Who gave her the authority to give her husband an ultimatum? What if 30 people want to continue the discussion? One person gets to determine what 30 other people can or cannot discuss? If she doesn't like it, she can click on something else.

I personally don't want to watch LMN, or OWN, or any of the women centric channels. Do I want to see them shut down? Of course not, I simply ignore them and let others enjoy them.

Why do some people feel the need to shut down what other people enjoy (whether it's an activity, a dream, a thread or a TV channel) rather than just mind their own business? It's becoming a real problem in this world when you can't discuss something, or do something because someone has made it their mission to destroy anything they don't enjoy themselves.

Ordering other people around and issuing ultimatums is just not a good way to get along with people, much less someone you love. Supposedly.

Wifey B: It was a joke. Get off your macho hobby horse. Get a sense of humor. I doubt seriously that she even knows this places exists. And I do believe she'd incidentally have a perfect right to ask him to discuss it with her as opposed to a group of cruisers. Not to tell, but ask.

Maybe you should watch some of the women centric shows. Might bring you a new perspective. And, frankly, there are many things inappropriate to discuss in various places. I don't discuss my sex life in church or champagne at an alcoholic's anonymous meeting. And don't talk politics or religion on public forums.

Oh and for the record, I don't watch OWN but we do watch Devious Maids on LMN. Right now the majority of my tv is the NBA playoffs. Go Miami Heat! Oh and DVR'ed shows like Pawn Stars and American Pickers and such shows for just 30 minutes of escape. Oh did watch some of the race last night. Jeff Gordon finally won one. As an aside wonder how many people watched Hardcore Pawn the first time thinking it was Porn instead of Pawn.

You sure seem to carry a lot of anger...."someone has made it their mission to destroy anything they don't enjoy themselves". Wow. Who has done that?

Hubby B: Quite honestly, he didn't seek a balanced discussion to start with, although he's gotten far more of one than he might have expected. But let's see, you take cruise or don't cruise as a question to a bunch of cruisers. Biased a bit? Coming here is not likely to give a large group of people who understand his wife's perspective. I personally would never air marital issues on a public forum. Hardly seems the way to resolve them in a positive way. Did he come here wanting to get a chorus of dump the wife for the boat? It would seem if he wants to try to work it out, discussing it with her or others who might have views similar to her would be more in that direction. We forget sometimes that the vast majority of people in the world do not boat. This site has a very skewed demographic. For instance, he found many here who still have the boat but not the spouse. But not a single person on here who chose to give up the boat for the wife. It's a bit like walking up to a bunch of sailors and asking would you get power or sail. Or going to Trawler Fest and asking that question.

I'd say this too, lambasting her for supposedly giving him an ultimatum is way out of line in my opinion. First he said "Semi serious", whatever that means. Second, we are not privy to her side or interpretation of what happened. Third a $3000 expense turned into $7500 and she's concerned over what he describes as "how much money we are hemorrhaging." That makes it sound like more than just this one expenditure. She's concerned, maybe scared. If it was my wife, I'd be trying to talk to her about what the issues are and see if there was a better resolution. Perhaps they start with a trip to Ensenada. Maybe on down to San Lucas. See how that goes. Then decide about mainland Mexico. Can they afford the planned cruise? Is that not a valid concern on her part? Maybe an actual experience will prove either their budget is realistic and not a problem or it's way off.

I go back to a simple premise. They need a fully open communication over all the issues and any others bothering them. Then they need to figure out what is best for them as a couple but for each of them as an individual. If it takes a counselor to help them sort through it, then that's what they should do. None of us can sit here and know the answer. He might head on the cruise alone and be absolutely miserable without her. Or he might find the single life is what he really wants. There may be a lot of room for compromise. I do know one thing, it's not going to be resolved by him talking to a forum full of cruisers and her talking to her girlfriends who think sailing to Mexico is insanity. In fact, that may well serve only to widen the divide.

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by BandB

Wifey B: It was a joke.
Really? You need to work on your comedy routine, because it was nowhere near funny. Throw some emoticons on it next time, so others can get the "joke."


Get off your macho hobby horse. No hobby horse here. Just a "live and let live" mentality. Get a sense of humor. I doubt seriously that she even knows this places exists. And I do believe she'd incidentally have a perfect right to ask him to discuss it with her as opposed to a group of cruisers. Not to tell, but ask. That's more like it.

Maybe you should watch some of the women centric shows. Might bring you a new perspective. I've seen a couple of them, it's either about women killing their husbands or having affairs. Pretty limited plots, honestly.

How's that for a joke? Get it? LMAO! And, frankly, there are many things inappropriate to discuss in various places. I don't discuss my sex life in church or champagne at an alcoholic's anonymous meeting. And don't talk politics or religion on public forums.

Oh and for the record, I don't watch OWN but we do watch Devious Maids on LMN. Right now the majority of my tv is the NBA playoffs. Go Miami Heat! Oh and DVR'ed shows like Pawn Stars and American Pickers and such shows for just 30 minutes of escape. Oh did watch some of the race last night. Jeff Gordon finally won one. As an aside wonder how many people watched Hardcore Pawn the first time thinking it was Porn instead of Pawn.

You sure seem to carry a lot of anger...."someone has made it their mission to destroy anything they don't enjoy themselves". Wow. Who has done that?

Are you serious? Take your pick! There are hundreds of anti-gun orgs spending millions of dollars per year trying to destroy a hobby that others enjoy, yet hammers kill more people than rifles and cars kill more people than all gun deaths, go figure.

There are several dozen "environmental" groups (actually groups of attorneys) who file lawsuits for profit against the BLM trying to close down offroad vehicular areas, and pretty much anybody's recreational area in the name of preservation, but really it's all about profit. Those are 2 differrent hobbies that are actively being targeted by people who should just mind their own business. I don't try to get skateboarding or crocheting banned, why do others feel the need to try and ban some of my favorite hobbies?

Hubby B: Quite honestly, he didn't seek a balanced discussion to start with, although he's gotten far more of one than he might have expected.
I think his purpose asking the question here was to get advice from others who might have had the same issues to see how they convinced their spouse. I think that's a logical way to seek advice.

But let's see, you take cruise or don't cruise as a question to a bunch of cruisers. Biased a bit? Coming here is not likely to give a large group of people who understand his wife's perspective. I personally would never air marital issues on a public forum. Hardly seems the way to resolve them in a positive way. Did he come here wanting to get a chorus of dump the wife for the boat? It would seem if he wants to try to work it out, discussing it with her or others who might have views similar to her would be more in that direction. We forget sometimes that the vast majority of people in the world do not boat. This site has a very skewed demographic. For instance, he found many here who still have the boat but not the spouse. But not a single person on here who chose to give up the boat for the wife. It's a bit like walking up to a bunch of sailors and asking would you get power or sail. Or going to Trawler Fest and asking that question.

I'd say this too, lambasting her for supposedly giving him an ultimatum is way out of line in my opinion. First he said "Semi serious", whatever that means. Second, we are not privy to her side or interpretation of what happened. Third a $3000 expense turned into $7500 and she's concerned over what he describes as "how much money we are hemorrhaging." That makes it sound like more than just this one expenditure. She's concerned, maybe scared. If it was my wife, I'd be trying to talk to her about what the issues are and see if there was a better resolution. Perhaps they start with a trip to Ensenada. Maybe on down to San Lucas. See how that goes. Then decide about mainland Mexico. Can they afford the planned cruise? Is that not a valid concern on her part? Maybe an actual experience will prove either their budget is realistic and not a problem or it's way off.

All we have to go on is what he posted. If you start supposing all kinds of other things that he did not post, then you might as well just make up the entire thing. I just stick to the facts presented and don't try to fabricate the rest. According to him, she was onboard with cruising, then changed her mind and issued an ultimatum - that was the word he used, and I'm not going to debate his use of the word. If he felt like it was an ultimatum, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that he knws what an ultimatum sounds like.

I go back to a simple premise. They need a fully open communication over all the issues and any others bothering them. Then they need to figure out what is best for them as a couple but for each of them as an individual. If it takes a counselor to help them sort through it, then that's what they should do.

Agreed Far more germane than a comprehensive listing of one's DVR...



another joke, in case your wife still thinks I don't have a sense of humor. LOL
None of us can sit here and know the answer. He might head on the cruise alone and be absolutely miserable without her. Or he might find the single life is what he really wants. There may be a lot of room for compromise. I do know one thing, it's not going to be resolved by him talking to a forum full of cruisers and her talking to her girlfriends who think sailing to Mexico is insanity. In fact, that may well serve only to widen the divide.

Possibly, or he might get an idea for a compromise from someone here that works for them, or maybe a valid point to bring up in their next discussion. Just because YOU can't think of it doesn't mean others cannot.

[BandB]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Possibly, or he might get an idea for a compromise from someone here that works for them, or maybe a valid point to bring up in their next discussion. Just because YOU can't think of it doesn't mean others cannot.

Actually I thought of and suggested several things. One correction too. Everyone keeps saying he said she issued an "ultimatum." Actually he said a "semi serious ultimatum" implying that it was not a firm, drop dead type ultimatum at all, but that she broached the subject. It would seem to me much like a request for further discussion on her part. The adjectives qualifying "ultimatum" are very important and change the tone.

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by BandB

Actually I thought of and suggested several things. One correction too. Everyone keeps saying he said she issued an "ultimatum." Actually he said a "semi serious ultimatum" implying that it was not a firm, drop dead type ultimatum at all, but that she broached the subject. It would seem to me much like a request for further discussion on her part. The adjectives qualifying "ultimatum" are very important and change the tone.

You're right, he did say that.

He did not say that she wanted to open a dialogue, or discuss it further, or any other of a hundred different ways to phrase "discuss." So what she said was closer to an ultimatum than a request for discussion. To me, that suggests that she feels she's in a position of power and can issue directives rather than discuss it like an equal. I know a lot of guys like to quote "happy wife, happy life", that sounds like servitude to me. I don't think either partner should be sacrificing their happiness for the other. Ideally, couples would support each other, complement each other, grow and experience new things as a couple, make each other feel free to express themselves and experiment, try new things. They should not disable each other, they should enable each other.

Sounds a lot like what you guys have described yourselves as having. I just wish everyone could experience that. Sorry if that doesn't quite fit with the mistaken misogynistic label some may have put on me. LOL

In the near future, I plan to do a few years of cruising and I'm hoping to find a woman of similar interests to fall in love with and share the adventures. I'm totally honest about what my goals and dreams are, all I'm asking (and I think other guys feel the same) is for a woman to be honest about what she wants, with no doubletalk or ulterior motives.

In this case, his wife's about face concerning cruising is disappointing to put it politely, stronger terms might include "delusional about real costs" or "deceitful" if she never really intended to go through with it. I've seen it before, and it had nothing at all to do with the dream, or the guy, but 100% to do with the person who lied about her intentions, or changed her mind and didn't say anything. The solution is simple: people should communicate freely and be totally honest. I'll leave it to others to explain why that is so rare in this world, I truly have no idea why being honest is so hard for some people.