Yelling and Screaming!

[a64pilot]

I don't think the issue is hollering at each other when docking etc., I think this is the issue?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjNqLOorulI

[Muckle Flugga]

Originally Posted by Weyalan

I am not sure if this is even the correct forum to be posting this in, but anyways...

I recently found myself with a new partner (Yay!) after a long period as a "free agent". I met this lovely lady, who we will call "Lisa" (because that is her name) through sailing. I haven't got enough space to sing her praises, but suffice it to say she is a wonderful girl and also a very good sailor (she is a much better racing helmsman than me, and possibly a better trimmer, just not as physically strong). She has been sailing since she was about 5 yrs old and has won state titles and done pretty well at National Champs in various dinghy classes.

Anyway, as I said; I met her through sailing - we both found ourselves crewing on a mutual friend's boat. To cut a long story short, I plucked up courage and asked her if she would like to sail with me (on my boat) down to a local regatta about 50 miles down the coast, and back, for a long weekend. She said "yes" (Yay again).

I will not bore you with all the gory details, except to say that we had a really great weekend, with everything from 2knots to 42knots of breeze. We sailed my 40' boat, just the 2 of us, from early Satuday morning to late Monday night and had a complete ball. Even when it was blowing 30 to 35 knots with 40+ knot gusts, we were still grinning and having a ball.

Anyway, coming to the point of this story. After the weekend, she thanked me very much for the pleasure. She then told me that she had never been so happy on a boat. I thought that she was just "blowing smoke up my arse" (i.e. just being nice to me), as she had previously been married for 12 years to a guy who was, by all accounts, a very good sailor, and they had owned a yacht together, and crusied extensively, for months at a time. But, and here is the sad bit, she told me that in all those years she never really enjoyed herself sailing because her (now-ex) husband would yell and scream at her if she did something wrong or if things just went wrong...even little things. She told me that for the first day and a half of our cruise she was really nervous, because she was just waiting for me to start yelling at her. She was just so happy that I never even raised my voice, not even once.

I have to say that made me so sad - I mean, this girl can really sail!If a person makes a mistake (and we all do), yelling and screaming doesn't really help at all. Its not like the person doesn't know they made a mistake, and its not as if they aren't trying to fix it.

Anyway, the happy side of the story (for both of us) is that we have been together for a few weeks and are still having heaps of fun (ok, a few weeks isn't very long, but its a good start). We have been sailing lots (we are heading off for 4 or 5 days crusing over Easter), and I still haven't raised my voice.

The point is: Think before you yell & scream. Look for the blame in yourself before you look to blame others.

A captain/skipper that shouts at crew, unless to avert immediate danger to life and limb, or in some (rare) cases overcome obstacles such as loud noise or strong wind… is a bad skipper pretty much by definition in my book. It is a key failing of true control and must always be avoided, as it is almost always unnecessary, or should be!

[Muckle Flugga]

Originally Posted by MagicMermaid

It looks like I'm resurrecting an old thread, but I read through it all and didn't see anything similar to my situation.

My husband doesn't yell at me. He yells or screams while working on the boat, often with profanity. The yelling bothers me and we've talked about it. He wants to stop but it keeps happening.

4 out of the last 5 days he has raised his voice over something related to the boat.

How many people are expressing anger and raising their voice while working on the boat? I have only been sailing about a year and ours is the only boat I've spent time on. I really enjoy it, but the yelling sets me on edge when it is so frequent and when we're sharing such a small space.

Yelling at humans is a failure. Yelling at inanimate objects occasionally is a tool, like a rag to cool the brows. However I did one meet a mechanic who, when things got particularly uncooperative, used loudly to say "Delicious!"

[minaret]

Originally Posted by Muckle Flugga

Yelling at humans is a failure. Yelling at inanimate objects occasionally is a tool, like a rag to cool the brows. However I did one meet a mechanic who, when things got particularly uncooperative, used loudly to say "Delicious!"

Profanity IS the ultimate lubricant!



I tend to mutter mine under my breath rather than shouting, but it sure helps with those stuck and/or difficult to reach fasteners. Whispering your profanity is more professional, but still required.

[skipmac]

I too have a tendency to speak harshly to (at?) inanimate objects that don't cooperate when I'm trying repair them. At the time I feel like cursing and yelling at the object just relieves my frustration. However, when I figuratively step back and look at my emotional state more closely it is clear that giving in to the frustration just makes me more angry and frustrated and, as several noted, is unpleasant for those unlucky enough to be around you.

Much better to take a deep breath, relax and enjoy the challenge of solving a tricky problem than to yell at your boat.

Now if I can just learn to take my own advice.

[cabo_sailor]

I really don't yell very often but there are times when it is therapeutic.

If I foresee a difficult situation I try to go over the game plan with the admiral. In those cases, and where wind and engine noise become an issue, we have head phones. Yelling to overcome ambient noise makes sense but not everyone sees it that way.

When working on the boat I tend to mutter nasty things, my neighbor tends to yell nasty things. We call it boat TV. 😂

I doubt any of us will change our ways

Rich


Sent from my iPhone using Cruisers Sailing Forum

[sartorst]

I find those who judge others for getting frustrated DON'T DO frustrating task's and let other's have the job and don't feel any responsibility to get it done!!!! Often when someone tells me that they can't get a task completed I ask them what the worst name they have could it? well that is not a bad enough name! keep digging DON"T TAKE IT PERSONAL!!!!!!!!

[MermaidMuse]

Originally Posted by MagicMermaid

My husband doesn't yell at me. He yells or screams while working on the boat, often with profanity. The yelling bothers me and we've talked about it. He wants to stop but it keeps happening.

4 out of the last 5 days he has raised his voice over something related to the boat.

Dear Magic, as long as he is not yelling at or threatening you, may I suggest some noise cancelling headphones and a good book or knitting project in some other part of the boat?

If safe to do so, I find a solitary row in the tender or swim around the boat makes me feel better. The physical exercise helps to work off the anxiety induced by the angry male vocal display. Eventually he'll settle down and be an amiable companion again.

My observation is that human males are more manageable when routinely given "space" to organize their thoughts and energies. The yelling and cussing at inanimate objects is like a pressure release valve. It's usually a sign that they need "space".

This can be tricky on a small boat. It helps if you stake out a "comfort zone" area where you can take refuge while he's blustering. This is his way of releasing tension. Eventually he'll figure out that you disappear when he acts that way. He's not likely to change unless HE thinks he needs to, or wants to change.

If he yells at you, threatens or hurts you, it's time to jump ship and get away from him. Find a new captain to sail with or hang out with your mermaid sisters. Good captains have a reasonable amount of self control. The bad ones just aren't worth it.

[Muckle Flugga]

Originally Posted by MermaidMuse

Dear Magic, as long as he is not yelling at or threatening you, may I suggest some noise cancelling headphones and a good book or knitting project in some other part of the boat?

If safe to do so, I find a solitary row in the tender or swim around the boat makes me feel better. The physical exercise helps to work off the anxiety induced by the angry male vocal display. Eventually he'll settle down and be an amiable companion again.

My observation is that human males are more manageable when routinely given "space" to organize their thoughts and energies. The yelling and cussing at inanimate objects is like a pressure release valve. It's usually a sign that they need "space".

This can be tricky on a small boat. It helps if you stake out a "comfort zone" area where you can take refuge while he's blustering. This is his way of releasing tension. Eventually he'll figure out that you disappear when he acts that way. He's not likely to change unless HE thinks he needs to, or wants to change.

If he yells at you, threatens or hurts you, it's time to jump ship and get away from him. Find a new captain to sail with or hang out with your mermaid sisters. Good captains have a reasonable amount of self control. The bad ones just aren't worth it.

Mermaid Muse, your words to Magic Mermaid are absolutely perfect! Thank you on behalf of men, for being so understanding of us and our foibles. Yelling at you, or another person is a bad failure of a bad skipper (unless to avoid immediate danger of life and limb and there is no other way). Threatening or hurting? Not only wrong but actionable under law. All good skippers/captains must be calm, especially in a crisis.

As for swearing or grumbling at inanimate objects, for some (quite a high proportion) of men it is essentially just a means of releasing tension and akin to a bodily function. I am reminded many years ago of a funny spat I witnessed (at first and second hand) between a Professor of English and a Professor of Philosophy at a Scottish University (both men). The former complained to the latter that their swearing while alone in their office was disturbing them, as they could sometimes hear it through the floor. The latter sent a note, which was carried (and read) by a friend of mine, to the former. It read: "I will stop swearing when you stop burping and farting."

But your analysis of us and our more innocent grumblings (at uncooperative objects) is truly excellent! Thanks!

[sv Winterlude]

My husband yells at the offending impeller (or whatever the project happens to be) when it won't come out properly. If I could do it, I would, but... I've learned many new swear words over my stint of being "tool girl", most of which I've never had occasion to use ... thankfully!

[Stu Jackson]

Originally Posted by MermaidMuse

My observation is that human males are more manageable when routinely given "space" to organize their thoughts and energies. The yelling and cussing at inanimate objects is like a pressure release valve. It's usually a sign that they need "space".

This is a very astute post. I have clipped just this part of it, because in my family it has applied ever since I was a little kid.

Whenever I was doing some work, even when I was little, like working on my bike, it would drive me bonkers when my mother would stand over my shoulder. She also took to "directing" me when I was, for example, raking the leaves off the lawn. We had two sides of the lawn, one on each side of the main walkway to the front door. One day I'm doing it, and she says: "No, start on the OTHER side!" It wasn't windy, either. OK, OK, she was kinda control freak.

But even these days, when I'm packing up my things to go to the boat, if my wife stands over me and hovers and stares, it just drives me NUTS! I have concentrated on the task at hand to assemble the stuff I need, even with lists, but it just throws me off. She thinks she's "helping" by asking: "Do you have this or that?", but she's simply distracting me.

I'm not saying the young lady who mentioned the man yelling was wrong. Simply that each one of us has a certain tolerance level for tasks that may be different between folks, either man or woman or just individuals.

So, my wife & I came up with a shorthand to avoid conflict. If I say to her: "Frances" she'll understand and back off or go to another room. Yes, you guessed my mom's name!

She's also very good when I'm working on the boat and fully understands the occasional F bomb. She does it when she's cooking sometimes, so... all's fair.

Maybe it IS a "space" issue after all.

All women know that men have a lot of space and it's ALL between their ears.

[denverd0n]

I will just reiterate what a few others have said. There is absolutely nothing wrong with raising the volume of your voice in order to be heard over ambient noises, or in order that an urgent command will be heard and understood clearly. That is a whole different thing from "yelling" at a sailing companion. Truly "yelling" at a sailing companion only indicates a complete failure on the part of the "yeller".

Yelling at inanimate objects. Well, it's a pretty stupid and pointless thing to do, but one that I engage in at times. It is a vent. A release of frustration. And as said already, the person doing the yelling is--in reality--yelling at themselves.

Of course, there is a point where it becomes counter-productive. If it is continuous, excessive, compulsive... it could indicate a person who would benefit from professional help. There are actually physical conditions that can lead to this kind of behavior, along with anger issues, naturally. So, you kind of have to judge for yourself if what you are hearing (or doing) is simply a vent, or is more than that.

Good luck.

[MermaidMuse]

Originally Posted by Muckle Flugga

But your analysis of us and our more innocent grumblings (at uncooperative objects) is truly excellent! Thanks!

You are most welcome Muckle Flugga.

Innocent grumblings at uncooperative objects can be rather endearing at times.

Now if you start throwing large rocks about, you'll leave us no choice but to swim you to the north pole to cool that temper. I am thinking perhaps you know this mermaid's tale. Yes?

[builder dan]

I find it easier to ask my wife to go down below and make me a coffee while I dock the boat no chance of any issues there, my boats only 37 feet long so its easy and I have a coffee waiting when we are berthed magic.No chance of any raised voices.

[Ted and Relinda]

Dan, that's a good solution to the problem. I'm always ready for a fresh cup too, however, what happens when you go down for some unforeseen circumstance and she has to dock the boat by herself?? Is she trained and prepared for that??? I know tha Relinda is. She can handle every job on the boat, some better than me. What helped us get to that point was the headsets so no voices had to get raised and give the impression that I was yelling or being yelled at even no intention was meant...