The New Joke Thread

[svmariane]

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

[svmariane]

In honor of my sister's birthday, I thought I'd post a few jokes.

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are just so much smarter than men.

[svmariane]

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[svmariane]

It's all in the punctuation:

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."

[svmariane]

Subject: Computer Hard and Software:
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User.
______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

[svmariane]

A family went to a hospital, where one of their relatives would be having a brain transplant. One of the relatives asked, "What will the cost of a new brain be?" The doctor replied, "A female brain costs $25,000 and a male brain costs $50,000." The men smirked, but one of the females asked, "Why is that, doctor?" "Well," the doctor replied,” the female brain is costs less because it has been used."

[svmariane]

"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

[socaldmax]

How do you eat a cereal bar?




I don't know if that was for real, but I got a chuckle!

[svmariane]

A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.

"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says.

The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.

"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

How do you eat a cereal bar?




I don't know if that was for real, but I got a chuckle!

Image / Link no worky.....

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by svmariane

Image / Link no worky.....

You can't see it?

I can see it both in my post and your post. I'll DL it then UL it. Thanks for letting me know!

[socaldmax]

How do you eat a cereal bar?

[jwcolby54]

The little Spanish boy went to a woman to take private English lessons. They went into her library where she sat him at a table in front of a wall of books. The woman took a book down and gave it to him to study from. The little boy asked what the book was, and the teacher replied "This is the book of pronunciation rules for English."

Impressed, the little boy pointed to the wall of books. "What are all those books".

The teacher replied "Those are the exceptions to pronunciation for English".

On a related note, back in the late seventies I was into electronics and built many electronics projects, including my own micro computers (as they were called back then). I found a chip from Radio shack which would take text into a serial port and put out spoken English to a speaker. The rules were designed by a US Navy lab. There were 198 rules and with that number of rules, it managed (according to the instructions from RS) a very impressive 90% correct pronunciation.

I actually built this widget and attached it to my home built computer. One of the mis-pronunciationes was the sound for "ine".

Line, wine, fine, dine, shine, machine. You can guess how it pronounced machine.

[jwcolby54]

I lived in Mexico for 5 years and so struggled with the whole gender issue for objects which obviously have no gender and certainly don't need one. Thus I was amused to find that the television "swings both ways"

"El Telivisor"

and

"La Television"

el televisor o la televisión? | SpanishDict Answers

Just couldn't make up his (or is it her) mind.

[svmariane]

socaldmax & svmariane meet in a bar...

Tall tales, non-pc comments, jokes and, in general, hot air arises whilst they are abay....


Questions for the forum:

What type anchor should they use to keep from drifting off topic?

What guns would serve to keep the the local denizens at bay?

Would pipe tobacco be allowed or only loaded with marijuana?

To remain seated, should they use 3-strand or double braid mooring line?

When the beer hits and it's time to make a head call, and considering that both are flying "difficult to maneuver" signals, who is the "stand on" and who is the "give way" drinker? Please quote exact colregs reference.

{With appropriate CF exceptions according to the "rule of tonnage".}

Would it be okay if the serving wench is Muslim?


Bonus points: What caliber hand gun is this woman holding?

Double bonus points if you initially thought: "WHAT hand gun?

Double minus score if you initially asked: "Why is there an image of a man's face imprinted near the top of her chador?"