The Joke Thread

[boatman61]

Three nuns are sitting on a park bench when a guy walked up, stood in front of them and 'Flashed'...
The 1st screamed, the 2nd fainted and the 3rd one had a stroke....

[anjou]

A man goes into the butchers shop, points to some meat on the top shelf and said 'I bet you 10 quid you cant reach that meat'
Butcher says ' I cant cos the stakes are too high'

[anjou]

6 Truths of life

1, You cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue
2, All idiots after reading the first truth try it
3, The first truth is a lie
4, Your smiling now cos your an idiot
5, You will soon forward this to another idiot
6, Theres still a stupid smile on your face.

[delmarrey]

Here kitty kitty................

.

[boatman61]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer.. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

[David_Old_Jersey]

You may be a Redneck (or from Guernsey ), if.............


Your sister is the third generation
of women in your family to conceive
a baby as a result of an alien abduction.

You think there's nothin wrong with incest
as long as you keep it in the family.

The people on Jerry Springer's show
remind you of your neighbors.

Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow.
But she can't touch it until she's fourteen.

Your family tree has no forks.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

Three quarters of the clothes you
own have LOGOS on them.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart
'cause there is a law against it.

Your aunt and your grandmother went to the funeral and had a fight over who gets to be the widow.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle
AND your grandfather.

You go to your family reunion
looking for a date.

[David_Old_Jersey]

CHILDREN'S BOOK TITLES
THAT NEVER MADE IT TO THE BEST SELLER LIST


You Were an Accident
Strangers Have the Best Candy
The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
Your Nightmares Are Real!
Grandpa Gets a Casket
Dad’s New Wife, Robert
Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
Whining, Kicking and Screaming To Get Your Way
What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

[anjou]

Father and son are walking in the park and the son sees two dogs making out.
'Dad, dad, what are those dogs doing' he asks.
Father is rather embarrased and struggles to find an explaination. Then he has an idea.
'Erm, uh, oh, er, yeah right, what it is son is the dog on top has sore paws and the dog underneath is giving him a lift home'

Son says ' Aint it always the way, you stop to help someone out and end up getting f****d'

[anjou]

A little girl asks her gran one day 'Granny, what are periods?'
Granny is rather taken aback. She hadnt figured on her grand daughter being old enough to want to know such things just yet but she thought maybe it was time to
explain.
She spent ten minutes telling the little girl about the birds and bees and where babies came from. Then she asked what had made her ask.

'Oh, I heard the weatherman on the TV say tomorrow we will have sunny periods'

[Chief Engineer]

Originally Posted by anjou

Two men waiting at a bus stop. One says to the other, 'What time is the bus due?'
Other man says 'Any time now Paki'

I am missing something ethnic.

[Chief Engineer]

Why did the Chairman of Toyota talk so long to Congress?






Nobody could figure out how to shut him down>>>

[anjou]

How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas?

He had felt Lukes Presence.

[anjou]

It was the week before Christmas and Heather Mills was loking round the house to see if she could find any presents that Paul Mc Cartney might have bought her.
On the top of the closet, she found a box with a false leg inside.
She went down stairs and said to Paul
Paul, I found a box on top of the closet, 'Is it my main present?'

No dear, its just a stocking filler

[David_Old_Jersey]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who is that on the balcony with Dave?"

[David_Old_Jersey]

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.
The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."
So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our f*****g car."