The Joke Thread

[Talbot]

Originally Posted by GordMay

..............Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French,saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"....................

When I was growing up in UK a few decades ago, use of the single finger as an insult was almost unknown. The more normal form of mortal insult was the use of the 1st and 2nd fingers raised with the back of the hand towards the person being insulted. (Note not to be confused with the Churchillian victory sign which is the same sign but with hand around the other way)

You actually have to use both of these fingers to be able to operate a bow of the power of a medieval archer. The bows of the special guard for King Hery VII from the wreck of the Mary Rose were proven to have approximately a 200lb pull.

The use of the single finger in UK is of very recent import primarily from films.

[GordMay]

Originally Posted by Talbot

... The more normal form of mortal insult was the use of the 1st and 2nd fingers raised with the back of the hand towards the person being insulted. (Note not to be confused with the Churchillian victory sign which is the same sign but with hand around the other way)...

As (another) Maggie might salute:

[hummingway]

Originally Posted by Pelagic

Yes but that old ad is for real and so is the product..... Ermh! the one on the right that is...

I still don't see anything on the right!

[delmarrey]

Going camping, anyone?

.

[GordMay]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

Going camping, anyone?

I wanted to (go camping), but couldn't find my way out of town.

[hummingway]

Originally Posted by GordMay

I wanted to (go camping), but couldn't find my way out of town.

That is exactly how I felt when I woke up this morning. And to think they make signs for that!

[Pelagic]

The Tunnel

Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a
Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young
blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Australian has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
The Aussi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Aussi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Australian thinks:
The Kiwi bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

TheKiwi thinks:

I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Aussi again.

[Adelie]

Originally Posted by Pelagic

Yes but that old ad is for real and so is the product..... Ermh! the one on the right that is...

Actually the product on the left is also real, though models and prices have changed.

[Doodles]

An Aussie is driving around NZ and sees a kiwi f****** [having sexual intercourse with] a sheep in a paddock. Totally intrigued, he stops the car, gets out and walks over to the puffing Kiwi.

When he gets there he says, "Back in Australia we shear those!"

The Kiwi stops what he's doing, hitches up his draws, turns to the Aussie and says...

"I don't care what you do over there, but here in New Zealand we don't shear our sheep with anyone!!!"

[Chief Engineer]

Top Cowboy lies....The Pickup is paid for, I got this belt buckle from winning a rodeo, "Officer, I was helping that sheep over the fence."

[IdoraKeeper]

Originally Posted by GordMay

I wanted to (go camping), but couldn't find my way out of town.

I can tell now, thats you on the Red Green show! Isn't it? I love that show and it makes my wife furious.

Todd

[GordMay]

Originally Posted by IdoraKeeper

I can tell now, thats you on the Red Green show! Isn't it? I love that show and it makes my wife furious.Todd

I've never heard of Red Green nor Ranger Gord.


From "The Red Green Show: The Winter Carnival (#7.17)"

Ranger Gord: Many people have died at the end of a snake. Many people have died at the end of a rope. Think about it.

Red Green: Just remember, snakes are just as afraid of you as we are of Ranger Gord.

[Pelagic]

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Joint Committee Investigates Marijuana Use
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
Tiger Woods plays with own balls, Nike says
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Kicking Baby Considered to Be Healthy
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

[Ocean Girl]

Originally Posted by IdoraKeeper

I can tell now, thats you on the Red Green show! Isn't it? I love that show and it makes my wife furious.

Todd

Loved it, my fav quote is "handyman's secret weapon", still say it every time I get out my duct tape
here is a great clip- Red Green Show

And remember: If the women don't find you handsome, they should still find you handy

Erika

[RayW]

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her; 'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'
'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'
'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'

Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'