The Joke Thread

[Christian Van H]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks.


'Yep,' the Lab replies.



After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****.

[boatman61]

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face andlaughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!
One for the ladies.......
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'

And they say blondes are dumb....

[sailingmonica]

Yes, Chief Engineer, got it from a friend's mom in Newfoundland.

[boatman61]

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods.. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

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Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual...'

[boatman61]

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical... All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

George replies, 'God and I are tight.. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God . Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?'

'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!

[harpoon71]

A Sadist, a Pyromanic and a Masochist are sat on a park bench bored.


The Sadist says "I want to find a cat, beat it with a stick, then nail it to a tree!"


The Pyromanic says "Yeh mate, when you are finished, I'm going to set fire to it!"


The Masochist says "Meeeeeooooooowwwwwwwwwww"

[kredix]

Farah fawcett at the gates of heaven askes god to to do her one favor and to look over and protect all the children of the world and so God kills michael jackson.

[anjou]

Dont start me on the jackson jokes. Even I have more taste than that.

Oh alright then.

WHat time is bed time at neverland. When the big hand touches the little hand.

[Canibul]

Thats sick!! I cannot believe you would make light of that!!


Did you hear Jackson tried to buy K-Mart? he heard they always had boys underwear 50% off.

[anjou]

For those who didnt know, and I know the UK isnt alone in this, but we have a culture here of black(dark) humour.
When there is an appaling tradgedy or misfortune befalls anyone, we make a joke out of it. Nothing personal, right or wrong, thats just the way it is.

Here is an example. Its a long time ago now but Karen Carpenter and Billy Fury died in the same week.

Billy got to the pearly gates dragging his coffin behind him. St Peter stopped him and said
' Sorry Billy, you cant come in because you have a hole in your coffin, but if you wait for a few days, theres a carpenter on her way'

[Kirok]

If Mama Cass had given Karen Carpenter her ham sandwich, they both might be alive today.

[delmarrey]

Two old old women sitting on a park bench. One says to the other.

"All my friends in heaven are probably thinking I didn't make it!"

[sailingmonica]

The driver of a big rig walks into a bordello, puts $500 on the counter in front of the madam and asks for the ugliest, fattest woman she’s got and a plate of tasteless, burned food.
“Honey – says the madam – for all this cash you can have the most beautiful of my girls and you can eat filet mignon...”
“Thanks, lady – replies the truck driver – but I am here because I miss my wife”

[sailingmonica]

Women are like the olympic medals: you have to fight hard to get them and then they hang around your neck for the rest of your life...

[sailingmonica]

After 60 years of marriage, the husband dies. Soon after, the wife dies too. When she gets to Heaven she sees her husband and rushes to embrace him, full of joy. "Look, lady - says the husband - the contract was very clear: till death do us part!"