The Joke Thread

[Cavalier]

After 30 years of working-for-the-man, a city-based office worker managed to scrape enough cash together to live-the-dream by buying a boat and setting off down the East Coast on the start of his slow circumnavigation.

After a couple of months of hopping south he pulled into a secluded anchorage and planned to spend a week or so doing repairs and making everything ship-shape again. Other boats came and went and he noticed that there was another boat anchored in the lagoon which must have been there for a long while: the hull had a pronounced beard at the water-line and the rode didn't look any better as it eased in and out of the water - after closer consideration he realized that the boat didn't look remotely sea-worthy and the sails were worn, holed and ragged.

One morning while enjoying breakfast in the cockpit he noticed a scruffy-looking bearded man come out of the neighbor boat's cabin, push a dirty looking RIB into the water and start to row towards him.

"Mornin' neighbor" greeted the near-toothless man, "I'm here to invite you to a party this evening..."

"A party, great, I haven't been to a party in 6 months!" exclaimed the city slicker.

"I've gotta warn you though, parties in these parts tend to get a bit rough and there'll be some drinkin'.." said the water-bourn hill-billy as he bumped along side.

"Great: i haven't has a good drink for 6 months either.." replied the man.

The man in the row-boat continued, "Well, i say rough as sometimes it leads to a bit of fighting.."

"Fighting? ahh, no problem - i guess it can happen now and again.." replied the man.

"I've also gotta add, that there's quite a bit of sex goes on a these parties too!" added the bearded-man.

"Sex! jeess.. i haven't had that in over half a year either! Just one question: as it's a party, what should I wear?" asked the city-boy.

"Oh don't worry about that - there'll just be the two of us!"

[capn_billl]

Originally Posted by David_Old_Jersey

Stumbled upon from the Internet...........

U.S. COAST GUARD ENLISTMENT OATH
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES COAST GUARD because I know being in the real military scares me. However, I swear to defend our position as the fifth branch of the Armed Services, although at one point we were under the Department of Homeland Security. I understand that atleast twice a day, someone will refer to me a member of the Air Force or Navy, and when I correct them, they will question my military status. I will work on boats the size of kayaks and small yachts during the worst of natures storms, and recieve no thanks or notice form the public. I will fly in helos into the eye of the storm to rescue people dumber then rocks, and then be heckled by the same people when I bust them for transporting drugs two months later.! I will prevent thousands of gallons of pollution, but be accused of impeding the economy when I won't allow vessels to pour oil into the ocean. I will be the red-headed step child to all of the other services, although I know I got the better deal. All of my equipment will be discarded Navy property. I will use most of my time in the Coast Guard to take college classes, and perfect my web surfing abilities, then complain that I work too much. I will perfect avoiding PT at all costs, and do my best to attend training that will give me a great competitive edge in the career field of my choice, making retention efforts of the Coast Guard pointless. I will come in contact with so many pollutants during my tenure, I will glow in the dark for the rest of my natural life and refer to myself as "salty" because of it. I will do my best to work 8 to 3, with a two hour lunch, on normal days, and have my pager and cell phone surgically attached, SO HELP ME GOD.

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US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"

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US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my otherwise mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job up! on separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"

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US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer,! and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"

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US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies....kill....fix bayonets....charge....slash....dig....burn....blow up....ugh...Air Force women....beer.....sailors wives.....air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute....Ooorah Gunny....grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"

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OW! I resemble that.
I used to enjoy my coffee, while watching the army guys pitching their shelter halfs in the snow,... from my heated dorm room, with a TV, computer, and kitchenette. USAF.

[Troublemaker]

. . . OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!



An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a
sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and
said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The
next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him
the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor
asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this --
first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left
hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.. She tried with her
mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We
even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both
hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees,
but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open!!!!'

TM

[captainKJ]

Was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down
in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into
tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to
see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was
late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I
found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my
wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man . . . and
then my dog bit me."

"So . . . I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison
dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!.... But,
hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

[lookoutnw]

Originally Posted by captainKJ

Was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down
in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into
tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to
see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was
late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I
found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my
wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man . . . and
then my dog bit me."

"So . . . I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison
dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!.... But,
hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

CLASSIC AWESOME!!!!

[Troublemaker]

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.

I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."


TM

[captainKJ]

What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?

The best answer:


My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22 short. I have carried it for many years including while hiking. I never leave without it in my pocket.
Of course the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System". This it means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend, companion, or family member because if something happens there is someone to go get help.


I remember one time while hiking with my girlfriend in northern Alberta out of nowhere came this huge brown bear charging us and was she mad. We must have been near one of her cubs. Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I would not be here today.
Just one shot to my girlfriend’s knee cap was all it took . . . . . the bear got her and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace. That's one of the best pistols in my collection...

[lookoutnw]

Subject: Pet Fish

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game warden in Alabama as he started to sail his Columbia away from a fishing spot on the lake.
The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"
"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish??"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish of mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."
The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mister. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE IT."
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some guvrnment employees.

[Troublemaker]

A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chilli.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

TM

[sycpuppy]

There is this fly that has been flying around for awhile and it sees a lily pad and thinks to itself, I'm going to go land on that lily pad and take me a break.
But what the fly doesn't know is there is a fish in he pond thinking that when the fly goes down too rest on that lily pad I'm going to get me that fly.
But what the fly doesn't know is there is a bear on the bank thinking when that fly goes down and the fish gets that fly I'm going to get me that fish.
But what the bear doesn't know is there is a hunter standing by a log thinking when the fly goes down the fish will get the fly the bear will get the fish and he was going to get that bear.
But what the hunter doesn't know is there is a mouse on the log thinking that when the fly goes down the fish gets the fly the bear gets the fish the hunter gets the bear he was going to get the hunters lunch.
But what the mouse doesn't know is there is a cat sitting on the stump thinking when the fly goes down the fish will get the fly the bear will get the fish the hunter will get the bear the mouse will get the hunters lunch and he will get the mouse.
So the fly goes down the fish gets the fly the bear gets the fish the hunter gets the bear the mouse goes for the hunters lunch but sees the cat and jumps out of the way and the cat lands in the pond.

The moral of this story is that when the fly goes down the pussy gets wet.

[Hotel L]

How I learned to mind my own business :

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13...13...13"

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting, "14...14...14".

[atoll]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

[captainKJ]

Food for thought:

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women: will be finished reading this by now.

Men: are still busy checking their thumbs.

[captainKJ]

Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:

You have to love this lawyer...

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:


(Actual reply from FHA):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

(Actual response):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application.
I was unaware any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella.
The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus's expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume God also made the part of the world called Louisiana. God; therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?"

The loan was immediately approved.

[shorebird]

Guy walks into a crowded bar, and orders a drink. Just as he gets his drink, a man runs into the bar screaming "Big bad Bob's coming, run for you lives!!" The bar begins emptying as the crowd runs screaming for the door. Even the bartenders run away screaming "Big Bad Bobs coming!!" The man gets trampled and is the last person still in the bar when the biggest, meanest looking guy he ever saw came in the door. The big man drank 5 pints of beer, then smashed the last mug on the bar. He then drank 2 bottles of rum, smashing glass everywhere. Finally the big guy turns to leave, spies the trembling newcomer under a table, then says "We better get out of here. Havn't you heard? Big Bad Bobs coming!"