The Joke Thread

[Coops]

A funny vid, especially for the musos amongst us.

Life as a recording engineer. [VIDEO]

Coops.

[Rhapsody-NS27]

Originally Posted by Coops

A funny vid, especially for the musos amongst us.

Life as a recording engineer. [VIDEO]

Coops.

Too Funny! I'm sending that one to some friends.

[Underdog]

My Dad turned 84 recently. I thought I would get him something different for his birthday present, and hired a hooker to turn up on the day at his place.

She arrived, in low cut clinging clothes and when he answered the door she said "I'm here to give you super sex."

Dad thought about it for a bit and then said "I'll have the soup."

[Coops]

"If someone from the early 1900's suddenly appeared today, what would be the most difficult thing to explain to them about life today?"

"I possess a device in my pocket that is capable of accessing the entire volume of information known to man. I use it to look at pictures of cats and get into arguments with strangers."

Coops.

[skipmac]

Originally Posted by Coops

"If someone from the early 1900's suddenly appeared today, what would be the most difficult thing to explain to them about life today?"

"I possess a device in my pocket that is capable of accessing the entire volume of information known to man. I use it to look at pictures of cats and get into arguments with strangers."

Coops.

Now that is hilarious, probably because there is a more than a little truth in it.

[Ex-Calif]

Originally Posted by Coops

"If someone from the early 1900's suddenly appeared today, what would be the most difficult thing to explain to them about life today?"

"I possess a device in my pocket that is capable of accessing the entire volume of information known to man. I use it to look at pictures of cats and get into arguments with strangers."

Coops.

"Pictures of cats" - Yeah. Uh, huh. Sure...

[MehmetCan]

Originally Posted by Ex-Calif

"Pictures of cats" - Yeah. Uh, huh. Sure...

Well, either cats or female kittens!!! :P

[delmarrey]

Young Boy: Captain, you sure do have a big stomach!

Captain: Listen kid, that's not a big stomach!

It just happens to be lots of freeboard.
.................................................. ..........................

Boatyards are to boats as beauty parlors are to women.
Either can make an entirely new one, or just patch up what's looking old.

.................................................. .........................

Murphy sure had the best of me today. Even my ship in a bottle sunk.

.................................................. ..........................

Larry: You know, it took me two months to make up my mind to marry my wife. But it took a whole year to decide what boat to buy.

Bob: Yep! Buying a boat is serious business!

.................................................. ...........................

Name on the transom of a powerboat; "Student Driver"

.................................................. ...........................

Just got through doing the weekly maintenance and I only found one thing worn out.............Me!

[Irish rambler]

Paddy left Ireland and flew to America to visit his cousin, as he was coming out of the terminal a shifty coloured fella sidled up to him and said 'You want some **** man' Paddy says 'No thanks I live on a farm and we've tons of **** back home'.

Later he's walking down the street and he gets took short and is desperate for the toilet so he pops into a hospital and pleads with the lady on reception to let him use the toilet, she says' It's not a public facility and I can't. By this time Paddy's near crying and says Please Maa'm I'm desperate and near touching cloth.
The lady relents and shows him the toilet and points to a row of buttons on the wall and explains what they're for.

SF soft music,
WS warm seat,
WA warm air,
WWF warm water flush,

The nurse said 'Paddy DO NOT touch this button here marked TR' !

As he closes the door he calls out 'Thank you Maam for your kindness'

He sits in superb comfort and does the business and thinks to himself 'These Yanks sure have all the comforts' he just can't resist playing with the buttons, Music on, then off, Warm air blowing gently round his ass, Warm water genty carressing his nether regions. When he's finished messing around with the buttons he just can't resist pushing the one marked TR.

When Paddy wakes up later his heads spinning and he looks up at the Doctor standing beside his bed, 'Holy Mother of God where am I' says Paddy
The Doctor replies 'The nurse told you not to touch any other buttons didn't she ?' 'That's right said Paddy What was the one marked TR for anyway ?'
The Doctor said ' That button is for Tampax removal, you are in male surgical and your balls are under your pillow !.

[sctpc]

***Not The Joke You Expecting***

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk?
Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
" Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don't know ****?"
And then she went back to reading her book.

[Nessus]

Two whales are swimming along when they see a whaling ship.

Upset with what they see one of the whale devises a plan.

First whale says to the second whale I'm going to swim under that boat and use my blow hole to blow the boat over. Once that's done and the whalers are in the water you eat em.

Second whale says, well I'll do the blowjob part but I ain't eating no seamem

[delmarrey]

Found this in the "Men seeking Woman" of the personal ads.


Ahoy Thar Matie!

Been at sea for a spell. Was Shanghi'd aboard a weathered ketch with a fresh paint job, carrying a small crew.

Thought I was going for a cruise and willing to do my share to keep the sails full and on course.

We hit some rough seas and she stared lose'n fasteners and part'n sheets. Then squeak'n and grown'n she required more maintenance, rig'n and shoring to keep her afloat.

The storm got worse! She broached, split up & went down fast. Hardly had time to escape the whirlpool.

So, here I am cast a drift hope'n some big shark doesn't come along & mistake me for chum.

I'm sending out an SOS and been scanning the horizons for a seaworthy vessel with smooth lines and secure hatches, with her Captain at the helm and able to fair heavy weather and the heat.

Each day is a new adventure! So, may the winds be at your back, and watch for the light in the darkness. It could be this first mate!

[delmarrey]

Learn Chinese in 2 Minutes

Are you harboring a fugitive? ....................................... Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP .................................................. .............Kum Hia Nao

Stupid man .................................................. .................Dum Gai

Small horse .................................................. ................Tai Ni Po Ni

Your price is too high! .................................................. No Bai Dam Ding!

Did you go to the beach? ............................................Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table ........................................Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift ...........................................Chin Tu Fat

It’s very dark in here .................................................. ..Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed? ....................................Hao Long Wei Ting?

That was an unauthorized execution .........................Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet? .....................................Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone .............................................No Pah King

Do you know the Macarena? .................................Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

You are not very bright! .............................................Yu So Dum!

I got this for free .................................................. .......Ai No Pei

I am not guilty .................................................. ........... Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer .........................................Wai Go Nao

Our meeting was scheduled for next week ...............Wai Yu Kum Nao?

They have arrived .................................................. ..Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight .................................................. .......Lei Lo

He’s cleaning his car ................................................Wa Shing Ka

Your body oder is offensive .................................Yu Stin Ki Pu

Pew! Does this bathroom stink ...........................Hu Flung Dung?


And to learn more here is a good book store...............


.

[justlearnin]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

EDITED

.

I believe a certain stereotypical accent is also required. You don't mention the accent.That is very important, so as to not seem to be a foreigner.

[Mexdon]

As requested by Woodsy on another thread here is my signature posted in perpetuity

When I was a boy my momma would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea and 6 eggs. Can't do that now, too many f**kn security cameras.