The Joke Thread

[Lagoon4us]

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. Australia 's smartest woman took my schoolbag."

[Ex-Calif]

Originally Posted by Lagoon4us

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. Australia 's smartest woman took my schoolbag."

Timeless and always updatable. Hard to believe Bush would give up his parachute so the 4th passenger is usually the pope and the 5th pasenger is usually less "worth saving" - say a backpacking hippie. "It's OK, your holiness, etc. etc. etc.. took my backpack."

Oh, and John Kerry was in the Navy.

Other than that it was hilarious - LOL...

[david samuelson]

CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends,
"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps,
"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says,
"My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head
and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,
"My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your
Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the
four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies,
"I have a daughter, SLIM, TALL, 38D BREASTS, 24"WAIST and 36"HIPS.




When she walks into a room, people say,
"Jesus Christ !".

[Snore]

Originally Posted by david samuelson

CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends,
"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps,
"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says,
"My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head
and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,
"My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your
Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the
four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies,
"I have a daughter, SLIM, TALL, 38D BREASTS, 24"WAIST and 36"HIPS.




When she walks into a room, people say,
"Jesus Christ !".

outstanding!!

However, you realize this will result in some time in purgatory...

But we'll worth it

Bill

[lookoutnw]

Shoot, I want to meet her daughter!

[Coops]

"Older Men Scam"

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Bunnings, Mitre 10, or even K-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.



Here's how the scam works; Two nice looking, teenage girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look.) When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.



You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.



I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also August 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th & 17th, 25th and 26th and very likely again this upcoming weekend.



So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.



Target has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $0.99 at the Reject Shop and bought them out in three of their stores. Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Target and K Mart.



So please, send this on to all the retired men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

Coops.

[delmarrey]

THE $2.00 BILL I TRIED TO SPEND:

IF YOU'RE AS OLD AS I AM, THIS IS A RIOT! Everyone should start carrying $2 bills! I'm STILL laughing!! I think we need to quit saving our $2 bills and bring them out in public. The younger generation doesn't even know they exist!


STORY:

On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick
bite to eat.

I have a $50 bill and a $2 bill.

I figure with the $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about irritating anyone for trying to break a $50 bill.

Me: 'Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go.'


Server: 'That'll be $1.04. Eat in?'

Me: 'No, it's to go.' At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill.

He looks at it kind of funny.

Server: 'Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.'


He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server: 'Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?'

Manager: 'No. A what?'

Server: 'A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me...'

Manager: 'Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill.'

Server: 'Yeah, thought so.'

He comes back to me and says, 'We don't take these. Do you have anything else?'

Me: 'Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?

Server: 'I don't know.
'
Me: 'See here where it says legal tender?'

Server: 'Yeah.'

Me: 'So, why won't you take it?'

Server: 'Well, hang on a sec.'

He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, 'He says I have to take it.'

Manager: 'Doesn't he have anything else?'

Server: 'Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change.

Manager: 'I'm not opening the safe with him in here.'

Server: 'What should I do?'

Manager: 'Tell him to come back later when he has real money.'

Server: 'I can't tell him that! You tell him.'

Manager: 'Just tell him.'

Server: 'No way! This is weird. I'm going in back.

The manager approaches me and says, 'I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night.'

Me: 'It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill.'

Manager: 'We don't take those, either.'

Me: 'Why not?'

Manager: 'I think you know why.'

Me: 'No really, tell me why.'

Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'

Me: 'Excuse me?'

Manager: 'Please leave before I call mall security.'

Me: 'What on earth for?'

Manager: 'Please, sir..'

Me: 'Uh, go ahead, call them.'

Manager: 'Would you please just leave?'

Me: 'No.'

Manager: 'Fine -- have it your way then.'

Me: 'Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?'

At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner.

I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect.

A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.

Guard: 'Yeah, Mike, what's up?'

Manager (whispering): 'This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny

money.'
Guard: 'No kidding! What?'

Manager: 'Get this. A two dollar bill.'

Guard (incredulous): 'Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?'

Manager: 'I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he
has is a fifty.'

Guard: 'Oh, so the fifty's fake!'

Manager: 'No, the two dollar bill is.'

Guard: 'Why would he fake a two dollar bill?'

Manager : 'I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?'
Guard: 'Yeah.'

Security Guard walks over to me and......

Guard: 'Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use.'

Me: 'Uh, no.'

Guard: 'Lemme see 'em.'

Me: 'Why?'

Guard: 'Do you want me to get the cops in here?'

At this point I'm ready to say, 'Sure, please!' but I want to eat, so I say,
'I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill.I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him.

He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and he says,

'Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?'

Manager: 'It's fake.'

Guard: 'It doesn't look fake to me.'

Manager: 'But it's a two dollar bill.'

Guard: 'Yeah? '

Manager: 'Well, there's no such thing, is there?'

The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot and it dawns
on the guy that he has no clue and is an idiot.

So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink
and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.

Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what
happens when I try to buy stuff.

[Rhapsody-NS27]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

THE $2.00 BILL I TRIED TO SPEND:

IF YOU'RE AS OLD AS I AM, THIS IS A RIOT! Everyone should start carrying $2 bills! I'm STILL laughing!! I think we need to quit saving our $2 bills and bring them out in public. The younger generation doesn't even know they exist!

Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what
happens when I try to buy stuff.

I just happen to have one. This would be fun to see the reaction on some young folks out there.

It's always funny when the story turns out (or could be) true.

[D&D]

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.


"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"


"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."


"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."


"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."


The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."


The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.


Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"


"1955, ma'am."


"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! With that having been said, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.


Afterwards, totally exhausted and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"


The Sergeant Major glanced at his watch, then said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[jgbrown]

Originally Posted by Rhapsody-NS27

I just happen to have one. This would be fun to see the reaction on some young folks out there.

It's always funny when the story turns out (or could be) true.

I have a bunch of silver dollars, from the years they didn't use silver but nickel. Great fun to spend, you get people who think they're fake, the ones who think they're scamming you and try to subtly figure out if you have more, and the ones who want a couple to give their kids

[cszosler]

Originally Posted by Lagoon4us

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

Just told this funny joke to my son (young adult), and he corrected me:
-" it is kind of primitive/plane to make jokes about leaders stupidy, you,
had missed the point - he said - point is; what ex-President George W. Bush said, this is funny, this is the point"-.
Well, looks like Amerikan jokes are to "finese" for me.

[speakeasy]

What George W. said wasn't funny, it was utterly "out of character", which might be the punchline for some translated humor. lolol

[Lagoon4us]

Originally Posted by Coops

"Older Men Scam"

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Bunnings, Mitre 10, or even K-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.



Here's how the scam works; Two nice looking, teenage girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look.) When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.



You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.



I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also August 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th & 17th, 25th and 26th and very likely again this upcoming weekend.



So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.



Target has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $0.99 at the Reject Shop and bought them out in three of their stores. Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Target and K Mart.



So please, send this on to all the retired men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

Coops.

I'll absolutely pay that one!

[delmarrey]

If your bored, this should keep you busy! Notice the icons under the address bar.

flaming cursor .com by rafaël rozendaal, 2007

[Coops]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollar...that'll be a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Coops.