The Joke Thread

[Therapy]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

Dear crossings in the wrong place.

Please Move The Deer Crossing - YouTube

Oh my Deer. (Dear of course).

But we are surrounded by these folks all the time..............and they vote too.

[sailorboy1]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

Dear crossings in the wrong place.

Please Move The Deer Crossing - YouTube

I feel her pain!!!

And what about those "Falling Rocks" signs! Why would we give rocks the Ok to randomly fall out onto the road in front of us? We should move those out to the middle of a field or something!

[Sir Rondo Normal]

Originally Posted by Don Lucas

I feel her pain!!!

I wonder if she can even recognize pain

[micah719]

But we are surrounded by these folks all the time..............and they vote too.

Worse, they run for office and win. Then they make laws and set up systems that breed thousands upon thousands more.

[carstenb]

Don,

When I was a kid, my father always told me that a long time ago there was an american indian who wandered away from his tribe. They tried for many years to find him, without result. Finally they resorted to putting up signs all over the US. His name was "falling rocks", which is why there are so many signs that say "Watch out for Falling Rocks" (groan groan groan)

[Sir Rondo Normal]

[Richard5]

This actually happened last night. My gal is brand new to sailing. I encouraged her to take ASA101. She has read the book from that course several times but has a difficult time remembering. As a visual aid, we peruse the online sail boat listings. We'll look at various pictures and I will have her describe what she is looking at.

Well, one photo we were viewing was the stbd quarter of the cockpit coaming. I asked her to describe it. She did well then I pointed out a feature of a part of the transom. She replied, Oh, so this is the port side?

I said, No, this is the starboard, aft quarter. Upon further inquiry I discovered why she insisted this must be the port side. Apparently in the book from the sailing course there is an illustration with the various parts of the boat labeled. The lable "transom" is set off from the illustration and has an arrow pointing to the left side of the stern. Ergo, the transom is the port side of the stern.

Further, the text description in the book is very uninformative. After our discussion of what actually constitutes the transom, and the purpose thereof, dollars to donuts she not ever forget what is the transom.

[lhsmith]

At a wine merchant’s warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A retired Chief Petty Officer, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass of wine to taste.
The old Chief tried it and said, “It’s a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable.”
“That’s correct,” said the boss. “Another glass, please.”
“It’s a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”
“Absolutely correct. A third glass.”
‘‘It’s a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,’’ calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The old Navy Chief tried it.
“It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don’t get the job, I'll name the father.”

[Pelagic]

Letter to the Men's Helpline:
Hi Gord I really need your advice on a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

[Ex-Calif]

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?


Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?

Border Collie: Just One. And then I'll replace ALL the wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach the stupid lamp.

Rottweiler: Make Me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh Me, me, me, PUHLEEEEEEEEZE let me change the light bulb. Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I, PUHLEEEEEEEEZE, PLEASE PLEASE?

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell: I'll just pop it in while I am bouncing off the walls.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo Quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there--RIGHT THERE

Greyhound: It isn't moving, who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.

Basset Hound: I’ve got the bulb! Chase me for it or give me a dog biscuit in trade!

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear, and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Terrier: Let me bark at it for a while to see if it really needs changing.

[Seaworthy Lass]

Bill and James were talking one afternoon when Bill tells James, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different!

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and my missus got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and my missus got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if my missus didn't get pregnant again."

James asks Bill, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy says, "This year I'm taking her with me."

[Finistere]

Sleeping with Fred.....
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said,
"Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
With age comes wisdom.

[Pelagic]

"Jones, I got me a problem and I gotta to go to court - I need a lawyer, do you know any?" Farmer Jones replies, "yeah, I know a couple of those guys. One is a hell of a trial lawyer, great guy but expensive as hell; the other, not so great, but the guy sure knows how to pick a jury and he's a lot cheaper." Wilson thanks his buddy and moves on thinking to himself, well I don't have a lot of money so I guess I know what I have to do.


Wilson's day in court finally comes and the first witness called to the stand is his neighbor Mrs. Smith. Mrs. Smith is sworn in and the prosecutor asks her, "Mrs. Smith, would you please tell the court what you saw on the day in question. "Why yes I can", she says, "I was doing my dishes, looking out my window over the sink when I saw Farmer Wilson come out from behind his barn and grab one of his goats". Yes mam, and then what did you see? "Well after he grabbed that goat he proceeded to drop his pants and fornicate with that there goat!" Is that all mam? "Well no, after it seemed like he had his way with that goat, the goat turned around and proceeded to lick his pecker clean!"


It was at this point of the testimony that one man on the jury turns to another man on the jury and says "you know, a good goat will do that"..

[tager]

PUG: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

[carstenb]

The old salt put on his sailing clothes and went downtown for his monthly visit to the brothel. He and the new "lady of the evening" slipped into bed.

A*while later he asked "How am I doing"

"Three knots," she replied.

"Three knots?" He asked.

"Yeah," she said. "You're knot hard. You're not in. And you're not getting your money back."