Yelling and Screaming!

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by Therapy

Once you lose your sex drive it won't matter.

Or you have a few options.

[MagicMermaid]

It looks like I'm resurrecting an old thread, but I read through it all and didn't see anything similar to my situation.

My husband doesn't yell at me. He yells or screams while working on the boat, often with profanity. The yelling bothers me and we've talked about it. He wants to stop but it keeps happening.

4 out of the last 5 days he has raised his voice over something related to the boat.

How many people are expressing anger and raising their voice while working on the boat? I have only been sailing about a year and ours is the only boat I've spent time on. I really enjoy it, but the yelling sets me on edge when it is so frequent and when we're sharing such a small space.

[four winds]

I did that 35 years ago, when I had less experience as a mechanic.

One day while laying under my Camaro with a four speed trans on my chest, I had a cussing fit trying to align the input into the disc.

Then it hit me. Inanimate objects have no emotions, it does no good to scream at it. So I took a break and relaxed.

A few minutes later I lifted the trans off my chest and slid it directly in place.

That was it for me. Never been upset at a car, bike, plane, house, or boat since. Probably the most calm mechanic anyone would meet now.

Took me about twenty more years to do the same toward people though. Now new friends are quick to point out my calm approach to life.

All about negative and positive energy. Absorb the positive and reject the negative.

[Sea Dreaming]

Originally Posted by MagicMermaid

It looks like I'm resurrecting an old thread, but I read through it all and didn't see anything similar to my situation.

My husband doesn't yell at me. He yells or screams while working on the boat, often with profanity. The yelling bothers me and we've talked about it. He wants to stop but it keeps happening.

4 out of the last 5 days he has raised his voice over something related to the boat.

How many people are expressing anger and raising their voice while working on the boat? I have only been sailing about a year and ours is the only boat I've spent time on. I really enjoy it, but the yelling sets me on edge when it is so frequent and when we're sharing such a small space.

Hi MM,

There really isn't anyway to badger, ask nice or coerce your husband into not yelling at the boat when he is frustrated. Sure it bugs you and feels tense. But this is really on you to manage how YOU feel, not try to manage what your husband does.
My advice is to lighten up and find humor in the situation. Big tough guy isn't going to be able to manage the boats behavior through yelling either. It's pretty funny if you think about it.

[barnakiel]

I think I yell when I feel insecure in what I am doing. When I feel 100% in control, I am relaxed, quiet. No yelling.

I can also remember I yelled when we started sailing. That was very stupid, but it did happen. I can't remember last time I did. Age tempered my temper, perhaps.

I think if you sit down and think really well, you will find out why you yell (I say this to the one who yells, not to the one yelled at).

I would also agree that yelling is neither normal nor good. I might consult a pro (an anger management therapist if such a person exists) to sort out my problem.

In any case, if you want to sail on, if you do not accept yelling (and being yelled at), you will do something about it. (You already started, by asking what others think). Think it over. Talk it over. Act, observe, adjust.

Thank you for this thread. It is important.

b.

[Cheechako]

There's a difference between yelling and speaking loud when you need something done NOW! Just learn the difference...

[jeepbluetj]

I yell and swear like a sailor when working on the boat. Makes me much less frustrated when things aren't going right. Blows off some steam.

Then I get patient and try again. I think this is somewhat normal.

I never yell at crew or family or guests on the boat when we're under way.

[hellosailor]

That's called "anger management". A good Zen master, a Bhuddist teacher, or one of those new western-style psychologist persons can help him with the problem.


Or, you could just go grocery shopping or golfing while he's working on the boat.


Unless you'd rather make judicious use of a cattle prod and do some quick behavioral training, although most trainers recommend "negative reinforcement" as a last and least effective resort.

[Badsanta]

Anger is misplaced embarrassment for not knowing how to do something.

Raising your voice because someting needs to be done "now" is still yelling and not helpful.

[44'cruisingcat]

Originally Posted by four winds

Then it hit me. Inanimate objects have no emotions, it does no good to scream at it.

But sometimes it seems like they're not inanimate at all.

I admit, I used to yell at our old autopilot. It would be alarming that it was off course, but the rudder angle? Maybe 2 degrees.

"WELL WHY DON"T YOU TURN THE RUDDERS?"

Other times it would alarm it was off course when it actually wasn't.

I went to take video of it doing this to send to the manufacturer, but for about an hour, every time I lifted the camera the alarming would stop. It actually got to be funny. I was sure the thing could see what I was doing!

Anyway, we got rid of that, have a Simrad pilot now, and it's all calm on our boat.

Here are the videos.

Off course, and asleep at the wheel:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4oNPIg0xcn4

The one that took ages to get: On course, but still complaining:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zcHn8AFG9-M

[Stu Jackson]

Why not try to do what he IS doing and see how YOUR knuckles feel?

Sometimes it's frustrating.

Good luck.

Originally Posted by MagicMermaid

It looks like I'm resurrecting an old thread, but I read through it all and didn't see anything similar to my situation.

My husband doesn't yell at me. He yells or screams while working on the boat, often with profanity. The yelling bothers me and we've talked about it. He wants to stop but it keeps happening.

4 out of the last 5 days he has raised his voice over something related to the boat.

How many people are expressing anger and raising their voice while working on the boat? I have only been sailing about a year and ours is the only boat I've spent time on. I really enjoy it, but the yelling sets me on edge when it is so frequent and when we're sharing such a small space.

[Wotname]

Does the boat yell back? If no, then yelling at the boat does have a certain rationale, it allows the yeller to "win" the frustrating encounter.

But do remember, anger IS a normal human emotion just like sad, happy etc. It is only when misplaced or otherwise inappropriately expressed that it needs "management" IMO. YMMV.

[a64pilot]

I usually raise holy hell at something when I'm working on it, and I know that my Wife does not like it. I knew I was going to be working on a lot of stuff, frequently on the boat, and since I am sort of having to talk her into going along, I determined that I would not do that when working on the boat as it's a closed, small space and she could not escape and that it would certainly cause tension, and that if I wanted her to come along, I could not do that.
It's difficult at times, almost as bad as stopping smoking was, but so far I have been able to control my emotions and not yell at stuff.
Sometimes I have to stop and do something else for awhile so I don't get upset.

Set him down and explain that you want to come along, but this screaming obscenities at the boat gets you highly upset, so much so that you feel sure it will poison your time on the boat and make it so you cannot stand being on the boat, if he want you to come along as a willing participant, he needs to stop.

[GordMay]

Greetings and welcome aboard the CF, MagicMermaid.

I generally asked Maggie to absent herself when I was working on the boa (& didn't need her help).

For the reasons you’ve delineated, she was generally happy to do so.

[carstenb]

Originally Posted by MagicMermaid

It looks like I'm resurrecting an old thread, but I read through it all and didn't see anything similar to my situation.

My husband doesn't yell at me. He yells or screams while working on the boat, often with profanity. The yelling bothers me and we've talked about it. He wants to stop but it keeps happening.

4 out of the last 5 days he has raised his voice over something related to the boat.

How many people are expressing anger and raising their voice while working on the boat? I have only been sailing about a year and ours is the only boat I've spent time on. I really enjoy it, but the yelling sets me on edge when it is so frequent and when we're sharing such a small space.

Actually - he's yelling at himself due to frustration. I son't yell like that (unless I've skinned my knuckles or similar - then all the sailors aboard the USS Enterprise couldn't match the extent of my vocabulary).

When we first started sailing we had som go-arounds about yelling at each other.

We' done yell AT each other. Although we sometimes DO yell TO each other, because of high winds or engine or other noises.

It is really important to understand the difference between yelling AT and yelling TO

But these days we almost never yell TO - we have ahnd signals that we can communicate with - that works fine