The New Joke Thread

[unclemack]

I had to look him up because I couldn't remember his alias, just the "in the woods" joke.

[svmariane]

Originally Posted by unclemack

I had to look him up because I couldn't remember his alias, just the "in the woods" joke.

So googled the bear in the woods thingy and maybe I misunderstood the original joke or maybe the darn guv'mint is censoring my searches but this is what came up:

[carstenb]

Who's Tiger Woods?

[Jason Flare]

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender sees this and asks him why. The pirate replies "Arr, I've got a bounty on my head"

[unclemack]

"Open All Hours" series 1, 1976. Ep.2, "A Mattress on Wheels" was just repeated (again) on TV tonight.

Arkwright, wistfully in voice over, following unsuccessful attempt finally to "cuddle" Nurse Gladys Emmanuel in a Minivan - far too small a vehicle for a job of that magnitude:

"Thought I'd pulled it off tonight. F-f-fortunately it's only bruised."

Funny to me in 1976 as I'd had a Mini Countryman Estate as a teenager in 1968.
Modified back seat with a hammer until it folded flat.
Job done, minor carpet burns only.

[Tiberius]

We were dressed and ready to go out for a dinner and theatre evening.

We turned on a 'night light,' turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parrot and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local taxi company and requested a cab. The taxi arrived, and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the parrot. My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.

The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night, so she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long, I said, as we drove away.

"That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out. She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked, so I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the backyard. She'd better not **** in the vegetable garden again!

The silence in the taxi was deafening.

[svmariane]

WARNING:
The link leads to an old Benny Hill television episode that in today's society might be labeled as sexist, possibly misogynistic, somewhat problematical in a multiple culture forum - and assuredly not for some.

If the above leads you to believe that you will be offended, or that you MIGHT be offended, then simply DO NOT follow the link.



For the rest... This is classic funny.

Audio is great; video quality somewhat deteriorated from multiple re-recording - sorry about that.

No words spoke. Benny's usual theme music, Yackety Sax, is replaced with Chariots of Fire. Best heard if your system has stereo speakers.

Enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N8s1fNvMtR0

[captain58sailin]

So a horse walks into a bar; and the bartender asks "Why the long face?"

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by AnglaisInHull

Challenge: this just popped into my mind, and what better place to get rid of it?

A couple of lines from my mis-spent youth; there were more but I've forgotten them:

- She was only a bootlegger's daughter, but I love her still ...

- She was only a telegrapher's daughter, but she didit, didit, didit ...

Any ideas for nautical themes - sailor's daughter, harbour master's daughter, etc? No misogyny intended, can be sons if you prefer.

I'll give it a try....
She was only a sailor's daughter but she knew how to make me harden up to a Reach!

[sailorboy1]

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde had all entered a singlehanded race but failed to make it to the starting line.

The brunette lost her mast overboard during a grueling qualifying passage and couldn't get it repaired in time.

The redhead decided the flexing of the hull around the keelbolts she discovered at the last moment might lead to structural failure when she was far at sea and beyond the range of easy rescue.

The blonde couldn't find crew

[Jason Flare]

How do you stop bacon from curling in the pan?

You take away their little brooms

[Tiberius]

> Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar.
>
> A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Trump and Cruz sitting
> over there?' The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'
>
> So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you
> guys doing in here?'
>
> Cruz says, 'We're planning WW III.' The guy says, 'Really? What's going
> to happen?'
>
> Trump says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one
> blonde with big tits.'
>
> The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big
> tits?'
>
> Trump turns to Cruz and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a crap
> about the 140 million Muslims.’

[moepitman]

Tommy and his dad are walking through the cemetery one day when Tommy says:

"Dad! There's two people buried in that grave!"

"How do you know that, son?"

"The headstone says "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

[D&D]

These are (supposed to be) genuine answers from 16 year olds...
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'.
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome .
Q. What is a seizure ?
A. A Roman Emperor.
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

[socaldmax]

That must have been the AP class, much smarter than the average 16 yr olds I've met.