The New Joke Thread

[socaldmax]

"Bad day at the course," a guy tells his wife. "Charlie had a heart attack on the third hole."

"That's terrible!" she says.

"You're telling me," the husband replies. "All day long, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie."

[socaldmax]

Guy gets to a long par 3 over water. A voice from above says, "Hit the new Titleist Pro V."

The guy tees up the Titleist and takes a practice swing.

The voice comes back, "Never mind, hit a range ball."

[socaldmax]

Three unmarried men were waiting to tee off when the starter walked up to them and said, "You see that beautiful blonde practicing her putting?"

"Her? Wow, she is beautiful," they all said.

"She's a good golfer," he continued, "and would like to hook up with a group. None of the other groups will play with a woman. Can she play with you? She won't hold you up, I promise." They looked at each other and said, "Sure! She can join us." Just as the starter said, the woman played well and kept up. Plus, they kept noticing, she was very attractive.

When they reached the 18th hole, she said that if she sank her 18-footer, she'd break 80 for the first time. "Guys, I'm so excited about breaking 80 that I have to tell you something. I had a great time playing with you. I can tell you all really love golf. I want you to know that I'm single and want to marry a man who loves golf as much as I do. If one of you guys can read this putt correctly and I make it, I'll marry whichever of you was right!"

All three jumped at the opportunity. The first one looked over the putt and said, "I see it breaking 10 inches left to right." The second looked it over from all sides and said, "No, I see it breaking eight inches right to left."

The third man looked at the woman, looked at the ball, and said, "Pick it up. It's good!"

[socaldmax]

A golfer standing on a tee overlooking a river sees a couple of fishermen and says to his partner, "Look at those two idiots fishing in the rain."

************************************************

A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, "Of course."

To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn't hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time.

When they reach the ninth fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green.

After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started.

"Of course," says the old man, "when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall."

[socaldmax]

O'Keefe regularly plays golf on Sunday mornings with three Orthodox Jews. Every Sunday, they break par while he shoots 90. At the end of the season, he asks for their secret. It's their religion, they tell him. They go to synagogue, study, pray, celebrate the festivals and Sabbath, then play golf on Sundays and have great rounds.

Desperate to play well, over the winter O'Keefe converts, joins a synagogue, prays, celebrates the festivals and Sabbath, and looks forward to spring.

Come spring, he meets his friends and they tee it up. Again, they break par and he shoots 90. Frustrated, he explains that he converted, prayed, worshipped, and studied, but his golf didn't get any better.

One Orthodox Jew asks, "Which synagogue did you join?"

"Beth Shalom," O'Keefe replies.

"Fool," comes the reply. "That's the synagogue for tennis."

[socaldmax]

As a couple approaches the altar, the groom tells his wife-to-be, "Honey, I've got something to confess: I'm a golf nut, and every chance I get, I'll be playing golf!"

"Since we're being honest," replies the bride, "I have to tell you that I'm a hooker."

The groom replies, "That's okay, honey. You just need to learn to keep your head down and your left arm straight!"

[socaldmax]

A man who has been stranded on a deserted island all alone for 10 years sees a speck on the horizon. "It's too small to be a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer, he rules out the possibility of it being a small boat, then a raft.

Suddenly, a gorgeous blonde woman emerges from the surf wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned man and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, is that ever good!"

Then she asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?"

Trembling, he replies, "Ten years!"

She unzips a waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens it, takes a long swig, and says, "That's fantastic!"

Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper down the front of her suit, looks at him seductively, and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

The man, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

[socaldmax]

A multimillionaire bachelor goes to his club to play golf with two friends. Not knowing who would be joining them, they walk to the first tee.

As they finish teeing off, a tall, beautiful, raven-haired woman asks if she can join them. Although the bachelor thinks this is going to slow down their play, he agrees. The woman tees up a ball and, without a practice swing, smacks it straight down the middle.

This goes on all day and she finishes even par for the round, beating all the men.

They invite her back the next week. They have a great time, and she shoots the same score. The bachelor thinks to himself, "This is the girl of my dreams!" So he asks her out on a date. They go out, find they have much in common, and have a great evening.

They make another golf date, during which she shoots two-under and gives a clinic in shotmaking.

The millionaire is now convinced that they are meant to be together. He invites her back to his apartment, where they talk for hours. Everything is progressing smoothly, so he invites her to his bedroom. Their passions run riot, but she doesn't let things go too far and he drives her home.

This pattern continues for a month: Great golf, great dates, but nights of abbreviated passion. The bachelor can't take it any more.

"I know the time we spent on the golf course and in my apartment is wonderful. And even though we haven't been fully intimate, I know that I love you, you love me, and that you are the girl I want to marry!"

"Darling," she says, "I have something to tell you. I can not hide it anymore. I am actually a man!"

His mouth drops open, his face turns red, he begins to shake. She's convinced he's going to have a heart attack, or worse, when finally, in a blind rage, he shouts, "And all this time you've been playing from the red tees!?!?"

[socaldmax]

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from the Prime Minister of Israel.

"Your Holiness," said one of the cardinals, "the Prime Minister wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never played golf. "Do we have a cardinal who plays who can represent me?" he asked.

"None that play well," the cardinal replied. "But there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is very devout. We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play as your personal representative. Besides showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea and the call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus came to the Vatican to report to the Pope. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," the golfer told the Pope.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus."

"I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some great golf in my life, this was the best I've ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons accurate and purposeful, and my putting perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"And there's bad news?" asked the Pope.

"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Woods."

[socaldmax]

After slicing his tee shot into the woods, a golfer heads off in search of his ball, which he finds behind a large tree. After considering his positio -- and not wanting to take a drop and lose a stroke -- he decides to hook the ball around the tree. He swings, the ball hits the tree, ricochets back at him, and instantly kills him.

When he opens his eyes, he sees the Pearly Gates and St. Peter standing before him.

"Am I dead?" he asks.

"Yes, my son," replies St. Peter, who looks the man over and notices his clubs.

"I see you're a golfer," St. Peter says. "Are you any good?" "Hey, I got here in two, didn't I?"

[socaldmax]

There's a golf course where the parking lot is just to the right of the first fairway. Separating the fairway and lot is the access road to the pro shop.

One day, a ball comes flying off the first tee, hits the rear window of one car and shatteres it, ricochets into the windshield of another car and cracks that, then bounces and hits a golfer in the head as he is unloading his clubs. He has to be taken to the hospital.

After surveying the damage, the golf pro asks each golfer as he walks off the ninth green if anyone hit a slice of the first tee. After numerous negative replies, the pro finally finds his culprit. The golfer admits that, yes, indeed, he hit his first tee shot to the right, but it went out-of-bounds, he and the rest of his group didn't bother looking for it.

The pro explains about the two car windows and the golfer in the hospital. By the time he finishes re-creating the scene, the entire foursome is visibly upset, and the golfer who hit the errant shot moans,""Oh, that's terrible. What can I do?"
The pro says, "You should probably trying rolling your hands a little to the right to strengthen your grip."

[Saleen411]

Socaldmax.....just a wild guess.....golfer?

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by Saleen411

Socaldmax.....just a wild guess.....golfer?

No, not even close!

I tried once at Kanehoe, HI with some friends, and after shanking an entire rack of balls into the ocean, I resigned myself to drinking and riding in the golf cart! LOL


I do enjoy the jokes though!

[carstenb]

The two elderly golfers were having a round. The seventh green was adjacent to the road. As the one got ready to putt, a funeral cortage drove by on the road alongside the green.

The golfer stopped lining up his putt stood erect, took off his cap and waited solemnly until the herse had passed, then he lined up and sank the putt.


"Tom," said the other golfer, " That was a very thoughtful gesture from your side. Unbelievably polite. I respect you for it."


"Well," came the reply, "I sortta felt I had to, after all we were married for 38 years".

[Saleen411]

OK, I'll jump on the golfing bandwagon...an oldie but goodie.....


So there's this guy who golfs with his buddies every weekend, and his wife keeps bugging him to take her along and teach her to play. He finally relents, and the following Sunday finds them on the first tee. She's never played, so he tells her to go down to the ladies tees, watch him drive, and then try to do like he did. She goes down to the reds, the guy hooks his drive, and the ball hits his wife, killing her. The police come to investigate, and the coroner says, "It's the damnest thing I ever saw. There's an imprint on her temple, and you can read "Titlist 1." "That was my ball," the guy said. "What I don't understand," the coroner continued, "is the one on her hip that says "Titleist 3." "Oh," the guy replied, "that was my mulligan."