The Joke Thread

[kjames]

IDIOT SIGHTING No.1
My daughter and I went to the McDonald's check-out to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note.
Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.
She said, 'You gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's in St Albans , Hertfordshire.!!

IDIOT SIGHTING No2
We had to have the garage door repaired The GARADOR repairman told us
that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'
We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park , near Watford ..

IDIOT SIGHTING No3
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign from our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing, any-more.'

Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.

IDIOT SIGHTING No 4
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.

>From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire.

IDIOT SIGHTING No 5
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened at Luton Airport

IDIOT SIGHTING No 6
The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a Local County Council employee in St Albans , Hertfordshire. (And she's NOT blonde)

IDIOT SIGHTING No7
When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car,
we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the Driver's door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'
His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire.

STAY ALERT! They walk among us - AND THEY BREED!

[skipmac]

Originally Posted by kjames

IDIOT SIGHTING No.1
My daughter and I went to the McDonald's check-out to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note.
Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.
She said, 'You gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's in St Albans , Hertfordshire.!!

I had a similar thing happen to me. Was at my doctor's office for a checkup. Leaving I had to make a $25 copay (yes in the USA we have to pay for medical care). Had just been to the bank so decided to pay cash instead of credit as I usually do. For the $25 fee I gave the clerk at the counter two twenties. She looked at them, looked baffled and started looking for a calculator.

I tried to explain the simple subtraction but by then she was flustered and worried and had to find the calculator. Another clerk saw there was a problem and came to help. The first explained the problem to the second who started helping her look for the calculator because she couldn't figure it out either! This was at my doctor's office! Hopefully the medical personnel are a little better trained.

You know both of these clerks must have had at least a high school degree to get a job at a large medical clinic and neither could do the most basic math. What had they been doing for the 12 years they were in school? I'm worried. And scared.

[BigJohn]

Originally Posted by skipmac

I had a similar thing happen to me.

Had this happen to me at Selfridges ...

Wife bought something costing £10.40. She later decided to swap it for something else ...

The new item cost £10.20 and the female idiot at the counter was having babies doing the math !!!

Eventually, she called her manager who came down with a calculator to verify the refund amount !!!

I even suggested that I leave without the refund since it was taking too long and definitely not worth my time ... but NOOOOOOOOOOO ... that would screw up the accounting department ... I HAD to wait ...

[carstenb]

Originally Posted by skipmac

I had a similar thing happen to me. Was at my doctor's office for a checkup. Leaving I had to make a $25 copay (yes in the USA we have to pay for medical care). Had just been to the bank so decided to pay cash instead of credit as I usually do. For the $25 fee I gave the clerk at the counter two twenties. She looked at them, looked baffled and started looking for a calculator.

I tried to explain the simple subtraction but by then she was flustered and worried and had to find the calculator. Another clerk saw there was a problem and came to help. The first explained the problem to the second who started helping her look for the calculator because she couldn't figure it out either! This was at my doctor's office! Hopefully the medical personnel are a little better trained.

You know both of these clerks must have had at least a high school degree to get a job at a large medical clinic and neither could do the most basic math. What had they been doing for the 12 years they were in school? I'm worried. And scared.

Yes it is scary. Lots of people today can't do even simple arithmetic in their heads. Not talking Trig or Calc, just plain simple adding and subtracting.

They were taught to use a calculator - no need to understand what is going on.

If you think is a problem - Having iPad etc in schools, means none ever LEARNS anything anymore. They are taught to look it up in Wiki or google it. I've heard lots of teachers actually say. "Why do they need to learn it? They can just google it."

I shudder

[Coops]

I pay for nearly everything in cash and I have this little game which is cruel, but, I give them say $20 for an item that is $4.50. Then just as they open the till, offer them 30c and say "will this help?". The look of confusion is wonderful as they try to work it all out.

Coops.

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by Coops

I pay for nearly everything in cash and I have this little game which is cruel, but, I give them say $20 for an item that is $4.50. Then just as they open the till, offer them 30c and say "will this help?". The look of confusion is wonderful as they try to work it all out.

Coops.

Here in the Philippines they are smarter than that....... They have no change!!

Sent from my GT-N7000 using Cruisers Sailing Forum mobile app

[GILow]

Originally Posted by Coops

I pay for nearly everything in cash and I have this little game which is cruel, but, I give them say $20 for an item that is $4.50. Then just as they open the till, offer them 30c and say "will this help?". The look of confusion is wonderful as they try to work it all out.

Coops.

Evil, but somehow... satisfying.

[kjames]

A Man's Age -- as Determined by a Trip to Bunning's (big Oz Hardware chain)
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --.
Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from
who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you
need to run to Bunnings to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favourite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Bunnings
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Gold Coast's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Bunnings until the Chemist has your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to Bunnings. Go to K-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
In your 90's & beyond:
What's a bundings ? Something for my garden?
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

[ronrelyea]

speaking of change ...

I ran into a Buddhist Monk running a hot dog cart down in New York City. I asked him to make me one with everything ... and he did!!!!

I paid with a 20 but didn't wait for the $15 back ... I finally realized that change has to come from within ;-)

[wsulli]

Absolutely true story my dad went to McDonalds ordered 3 burgers minus ketchup. As the clerk is filling the order he starts putting ketchup on them, dad says young man I said minus ketchup, to which clerk adds even more,dad says I said MINUS rather loudly. He adds even more, ketchup is now flowing off the burger . Dad a little irate now says I said MINUS ketchup, the clerk responds "my god man how much do you want",----------------

[DDabs]

Are all of these change stories true?? My God that is frightening as hell.

[frank_f]

Possibly not but they are entertaining.

I believe all cash registers and POS' produced since the '90's have auto change systems built into them. You punch in the total and the amount tendered and the machine tells you how much change to give. In Canada, since we removed the penny from circulation, the systems also show the rounded up or down change amounts (cash only, debt and credit are still charged to the penny).

And for the joke part:

Three couples were applying to become members of a church. The minister told them that they would have to abstain from sex for two weeks, then come back and tell how they did.

The eldest couple came back and said that abstaining was no problem.

The middle aged couple said the first week was rough but the second week was easier.

The newlyweds said things were OK until the wife dropped the paint can. The minister asked, "Dropped the paint can?" The husband replied,"Yeah. Seeing her bent over like that, I couldn't help myself."

The minister sighed and said,"I'm afraid you're not welcome here."

The husband replied,"We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."

[capt-couillon]

Originally Posted by avb3

If you want to try to understand the incomprehensible, try following this Newfie's yarn. I've met this guy... He is NOT drunk... He just talks that way. Funny, funny stuff.

elmo0003 - YouTube

Can you imagine the conversation betweeen him, a Cajun and an Aussie?

Mais!... gar ici tete dure. Ain't us what talk funny me, it y'all from up de bayou. Come Acadie an ask for dem bagel, den look funny when we brings you a small hound dog.

My credentials sir,
C'est sa Couillon

[Therapy]

Originally Posted by DDabs

Are all of these change stories true?? My God that is frightening as hell.

I can make change but have great difficulty doing even simple math in my head. I am sorry each time I encounter the obstacle. Perhaps you could see it in your soul to forgive me the fact that I simply do not have that ability.

Originally Posted by frank_f

Possibly not but they are entertaining.

I believe all cash registers and POS' produced since the '90's have auto change systems built into them. You punch in the total and the amount tendered and the machine tells you how much change to give. In Canada, since we removed the penny from circulation, the systems also show the rounded up or down change amounts (cash only, debt and credit are still charged to the penny).

Part of the reason for it is to reduce the incidence of mistakes in giving the correct change. Also, it can sometimes be seen on the screen available to the customer and the customer (if they did not do the math - for whatever reason) can see the correct amount and be sure they are not getting ripped off. A slick clerk can make a lot of money in a work day.

I am not asking for a handout or anything but maybe a little sympathy for some not gifted because you can bet your ass that there is something I can do fast and easy that stumps you every time.

[shorebird]

Rude, ignorant clerks? How about this one at a sub sandwich shop. (true story.)
Me: I'd like the steak and cheese special you have on multi-grain bread please."
Her. "Would you like cheese on that sir?"
"Well, it is called a steak and CHEESE sandwich."
"That does NOT mean it comes with cheese, sir."
me, with the snappy comeback,"well, does it come with steak?"