The Joke Thread

[micah719]

Most folks who lived under it or got to experience its attentions would not share your admiration. The Dark Ages were well named...ignorance, superstition, exploitation, short miserable lives, harsh conditions. Of course, the few that lived on top of the heap would dispute that....all for one means more for me....

We had a short interlude in the West when the Reformation shone some light into the lives of the common people, and have lived high on the hog ever since; but things are getting back to normal. Check out the iron hoofs of the coming global government being showcased in London right now; comprehensive surveillance and tracking, and the muscle to enforce it....and bread and games for the masses that are prepared to sell out freedom for a modicum of entertainment and "security". I wonder when public executions of "enemies of the people" will be reinstated? Can't be all that far away, and there is enough demand for donor organs, even with the disturbing ease with which one can purchase them in China.



Anyway, we're getting awfully morbid for a Joke thread.

A retired sailor purchased a computer and began to learn all about computing. Being a sailor, he was used to addressing his ships as "She" or "Her". But was unsure what was proper for computers. To solve his dilemma, he set up two groups of computer experts: one group was male, and the other group was female. The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as "HE" because: 1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem.4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better model. 5. Size does matter.

The group of men reported that computers should be referred to as "SHE" because: 1. No one but the creator understands their logic.
2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else.3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval.4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

This joke was plagiarised for your entertainment...intellectual property attorneys please wait over there abaft the lee taffrail.

[micah719]

I've struck gold....this is my second stolen joke:

A pirate and his parrot were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To his amazement, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into rum!" The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances. The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: "Just great. Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

[micah719]

Number three:

A man is skydiving off the coast of Florida, enjoying his free-fall. When he reaches the altitude where he must open his parachute, he pulls on the rip cord but nothing happens. "No problem," he says to himself, "I still have my emergency chute." So he pulls the emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens. Now the man begins to panic. "What am I going to do?" he thinks, "It's curtains for me!" Just then he sees a sailor flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure out where this man is coming from, or what he's doing, but he thinks to himself, "Maybe he can help me." When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?" The flying sailor replies, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

[micah719]

Muaaahahahahhaa

A destroyer pulled into a foreign port, and put down maximum liberty. The skeleton crew didn't notice a chimpanzee, escaped from a nearby civilian transport, crawled up the ropes and up to the smokestack. Down the stack, it made its way into the engine room. It came across a power panel opened up for maintenance, couldn't read the warning signs, and with a bright blue blast shorted out the ship's electrical system, and plunged the ship into darkness.

A little bit later, two junior Hull Technicians wander down with their flashlights, looking for the problem. They come upon the blackened body of the chimp. They shine their flashlights on its long, burnt arms. They look at each other. They highlight its short legs and odd feet. They look at each other. Finally one says, "Well, it's too hairy to be an Electrician, the legs are too short for a Hull Tech, and there would be more tatoos on a Bo'sun. Call the wardroom, see if one of the duty officers is missing."

[Adelie]

Originally Posted by micah719

Most folks who lived under it or got to experience its attentions would not share your admiration. The Dark Ages were well named...ignorance, superstition, exploitation, short miserable lives, harsh conditions. Of course, the few that lived on top of the heap would dispute that....all for one means more for me....

Was this comment aimed at me or DelMarry?

If it was aimed at me try again. I evinced no admiration for the situation during the dark ages. For that matter the situation in Rome, and throughout the empire, sucked out loud for everyone that wan't a citizen. Rome just looks good because of the large volume of literature that was left behind by citizens.

[micah719]

Yes, I was aiming in your direction...though perhaps it seems I misunderstood your intent. I'm sorry, please forgive me.

[Ex-Calif]

Originally Posted by Adelie

Just goes to show how little Cicero knew, Rome continued on as a viable polity for another 400-450yr and continued as 2 smaller entities for another 1000yr after that.

Rome is gone?

Last I checked it was still there although some of the buildings could use some brickwork...

[Adelie]

Originally Posted by Ex-Calif

Rome is gone?

Last I checked it was still there although some of the buildings could use some brickwork...

I was speaking of Rome as a political entity in the form of the Roman Empire. The western empire died out as a political unit about 476. The Holy Roman Empire persevered until 1806, this was a looser religious/quasi-political successor to the western roman empire.. The eastern roman empire, the Byzantine Empire, lasted until 1453 before succumbing. The roman political unit was revived in 1861 with the establishment of the Kingdom of Italy which has persisted in some form since then.

Just because a well spoken writer of antiquity, Cicero, made dire predictions about the fate of his society, doesn't make it so. And trying to recycle those predictions for today's situation is even less useful.

[delmarrey]

Lighten up guys! This is the joke thread. See what happens when one veers off course. Ya end up in the muck.

[micah719]

Bill & Hilary Clinton, George Dubya and Laura Bush, and a young pretty female reporter are riding the Subway.

The train enters a very dark tunnel and in the gloom a loud slap is heard.

When the train emerges into the light, Bill Clinton has a glowing red handprint on his face.

Hilary Clinton and Laura Bush think to themselves, "Bill groped the young reporter and she slapped him."

The reporter thinks, "Bill must have tried to grope me but got Laura Bush instead, and she slapped him."

Bill Clinton thinks, "Obviously George groped the reporter, and naturally she thought it was me and slapped me."

Dubya thinks, "I hope there's another tunnel soon....."

[Mick C]

Originally Posted by Adelie

I was speaking of Rome as a political entity in the form of the Roman Empire. The western empire died out as a political unit about 476. The Holy Roman Empire persevered until 1806, this was a looser religious/quasi-political successor to the western roman empire.. The eastern roman empire, the Byzantine Empire, lasted until 1453 before succumbing. The roman political unit was revived in 1861 with the establishment of the Kingdom of Italy which has persisted in some form since then.

Just because a well spoken writer of antiquity, Cicero, made dire predictions about the fate of his society, doesn't make it so. And trying to recycle those predictions for today's situation is even less useful.

What have the Romans ever done for us....!!!

[micah719]

Brought peace?

[Blue Stocking]

Originally Posted by Mick C

What have the Romans ever done for us....!!!

which one?--Polanski? -- or one of the others??

[atoll]

Originally Posted by Mick C

What have the Romans ever done for us....!!!

sauna's,freelove,great sewers and the first modern fresh water system........

[Blue Stocking]

Originally Posted by atoll

sauna's,freelove,great sewers and the first modern fresh water system........

--which they took with them when they vacated Britian