The Joke Thread

[D&D]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.
Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[Seaworthy Lass]

Originally Posted by carstenb

Only poison? Aren't you letting him off the off rather easily? I would have thought flogging round the fleet, or keel-hauling would have been more of your pleasure Seaworthy.

Thought he may enjoy the flogging too much so I didn't offer him that .

[micah719]

Any room left in the shoe locker? An ideal and very practical addition:



'Scuse me, there's someone at the door......

[lostsheep]

Ever wonder what the feathers in an Indian's headdress stand for?

A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian Chief, asked the
significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.

"Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied.
Pointing to a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather.
Him?", pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers."
The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!"
The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall."
Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!"
The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."
The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"
The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"
The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"
"No deer," said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast."

[S/V Antares]

A young women jumps into a Bahamian taxi in Marsh Harbor compleatly Nude.
The old taxi driver looks in the Mirror but does not start the Taxi.
She says "What, have you seena naked lady before?
He says "I not looking at you like dat mon... I have seen plenty naked ladies in my long happy life... I just wondering where da money is what you going to pay me with!"

[Coops]

OOOps! Realised that i had posted it before, sorry.

Coops.

[D&D]

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said,"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis & Leroy replied,"Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said,"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.

"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.."

Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said,"Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

[Doodles]

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling finally started going down just enough where he could see her a little bit out of the corner of his left eye.

[Coops]

Here?s proof that husbands do listen to their wives.
This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:
-----------------------------------------------------
Milk and eggs
-----------------------------------------------------
A wife asks her husband,
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

(I'm sure you're going back to read it again!)

Coops.

[Therapy]

Originally Posted by Coops

Here?s proof that husbands do listen to their wives.
This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:
-----------------------------------------------------
Milk and eggs
-----------------------------------------------------
A wife asks her husband,
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

(I'm sure you're going back to read it again!)

Coops.

I tried to explain that kind of talking to my wife............didn't work. And I thought we had been together long enough that we could communicate.


Recently.......at work.......... Q - "Do you have enough laps (surgical sponges) for now?" A - "Yes, could I have five more?"

But this is a joke thread.

ARRGGHHHHH!

[D&D]

I recently spent $2500 on a young Black Angus bull. I put him out
with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull.


Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

Holy crap! The bull started to service the cows within two days. All of my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred all my neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"

I don't know what in hell was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kind of taste like peppermint.

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by Therapy

I tried to explain that kind of talking to my wife............didn't work. And I thought we had been together long enough that we could communicate.


Recently.......at work.......... Q - "Do you have enough laps (surgical sponges) for now?" A - "Yes, could I have five more?"

But this is a joke thread.

ARRGGHHHHH!

You should hear what I have to go through with my wife, her not being proficient in english. The first years it was funny, Now....

[daddle]

Never been so disturbed as when this AIS target was behind me in the dark ...

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by daddle

Never been so disturbed as when this AIS target was behind me in the dark ...

dong [dɒŋ]
n
1. (Music, other) the deep reverberating sound of a large bell
2. Austral and NZ informal a heavy blow
3. a slang word for penis
vb
1. (Music, other) (intr) (of a bell) to make a deep reverberating sound
2. (tr) Austral and NZ informal to strike or punch

In Greek mythology, Peneus (Πηνειός) was a Thessalian river god

Come to your own conclusion.

[D&D]

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.
Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch.It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!
The dispenser for the modern "seat covers"(invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the Floor!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless(God I should have gone to the gym!!!)thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance".

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have Known there was no toilet paper!"Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday -the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time).That will have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.
The door hits your purse,which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.
"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
It is wet of course.
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper -not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly,dear,"You just don't Know what kind of diseases you could get".

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too
At this point, you give up.. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.
You're e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d.
You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket! and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, .....so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this".

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom.
Annoyed, he asks,"What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?" ...........

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!).It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door!