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Old 13-02-2013, 17:15   #1921
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Re: The Joke Thread

Here's one my daughter sent me:


There is the story of a statistician who told a friend that he never took airplanes: "I have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on the plane," he explained, "and although this probability is low, it is still too high for my comfort. " Two weeks later, the friend met the statistician on a plane. "How come you changed your theory?" he asked. "Oh, I didn't change my theory; it's just that I subsequently computed the probability that there would simultaneously be two bombs on a plane. This probability is low enough for my comfort. So now I simply carry my own bomb."
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Old 15-02-2013, 00:56   #1922
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Re: The Joke Thread

We teach this at school:-
BEST AUSTRALIAN JOKE EVER

An Aussie, a little bloke, was sitting at a bar in Sydney when this huge,burly American guy walks in.
As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor.
The big, burly Yank says,"That's a karate chop from Korea."

Well, the Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer.

The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. "That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.

The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves.

A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out.

The Aussie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a crowbar from Bunnings."
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Old 15-02-2013, 23:40   #1923
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Re: The Joke Thread

Sensually Subtle!


Have you ever seen a twenty dollar note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile,slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar note.

"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar note all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile,seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar note.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 60,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.
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"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

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Old 16-02-2013, 02:40   #1924
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Re: The Joke Thread

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.
“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me? A faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!”
And the husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Fine, go ahead,” she sobbed,” but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”
And the husband began — “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days!
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same.”
The husband took a quick breath and continued – “She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Please … do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?

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Old 16-02-2013, 20:10   #1925
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Re: The Joke Thread



Coops.
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Old 16-02-2013, 20:22   #1926
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Re: The Joke Thread

A rich guy comes home from work and his wife reminds him that it is her birthday, and he has forgotten. She tells him that she is going shopping tomorrow and there better be something in the garage when she comes home that does 0-100 in less than three seconds. So he buys her a set of bathroom scales.

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Old 17-02-2013, 03:14   #1927
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Re: The Joke Thread

Stupid question, excellent response!

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian.
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:!
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWERon't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this interview was over.
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Old 17-02-2013, 03:55   #1928
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Re: The Joke Thread

It's very funny, but unfortunately untrue, dammit. It actually made the headlines on a couple of radio talk shows before it was debunked. But what the hell? You can easily see a reporter saying it, especially over here.

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Old 17-02-2013, 04:07   #1929
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Re: The Joke Thread

Since when was there any truth in jokes? LMAO

I think the story matches Cosgrove's character none the less....

Fricken cool here Coops send some sunshine willya?
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Old 17-02-2013, 04:11   #1930
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Re: The Joke Thread

It does I agree, and as I said, it is funny, so all is well. You sure that you want some of our weather then? East Coast low forming, heavy rain and very strong winds forecast all week, very happy to send it your way. Sailing this week looking dubious.

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Old 17-02-2013, 04:24   #1931
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Re: The Joke Thread

Ah crap hey? We left Gladstone two weeks after the last rain event!! The weather here tends to cycle every two weeks, mild 9deg days with no wind chill is good, but when it's zero then -6 windchill this Aussie wants out!

Thread drift over, take care.
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Old 17-02-2013, 11:45   #1932
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Re: The Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lagoon4us View Post
Ah crap hey? We left Gladstone two weeks after the last rain event!! The weather here tends to cycle every two weeks, mild 9deg days with no wind chill is good, but when it's zero then -6 windchill this Aussie wants out!

Thread drift over, take care.
Come join us in Crete .
Sunshine to spare .
Company isn't bad either LOL.
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Old 17-02-2013, 12:03   #1933
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Re: The Joke Thread

We'll do the Lithium run!!!
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Old 17-02-2013, 12:20   #1934
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Re: The Joke Thread

Been fighting this computer all morning and just realized I have a new button to push.

Now, all I need is an air bag, so I won't bang my head in frustration.


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Old 17-02-2013, 12:55   #1935
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Come join us in Crete .
Sunshine to spare .
Company isn't bad either LOL.
Angela if you guy's are at Crete make sure you go to Goat's Head, not to be missed!
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