The Joke Thread

[Sea Wolf]

SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,

'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'!!

In God we trust!

IF YOU SEE SOMEBODY WITHOUT A SMILE, GIVE THEM ONE OF YOURS.

[Bill Burgette]

Three friends married women from different parts of the
country.


The first man married a woman from Wisconsin. He told her
that she was
to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of
days, but on
the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes
washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from North Dakota. He gave
his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the
cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day
he saw it
was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean,
the dishes
were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.


The third man married a girl from Jersey. He ordered her to
keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry
washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said
the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he
didn't see anything, but by the third day,
some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a
little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough
that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the
dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

[TaoJones]

Originally Posted by moggie

Don1500,
Wakey wakey!!!

A close reading of both "jokes" will reveal that the first is from the left end of the political spectrum, at the expense of the right. The second flips the script and is from the right end of the political spectrum, at the expense of the left.

Since both are self-serving and relatively benign, I left them both up to cancel one another out rather than remove them for being political.

[Sea Wolf]

The guy with a tie.

There was a knock on the door this morning. I opened it to find a young man standing there who said. "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

I said "Come in and sit down." I offered him coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Beats the **** out of me, I've never gotten this far before....

[senormechanico]

That's cold.
I talk with them.
They're nice and also local.
I have a business at home, and this island is a small rock...

[nes]

............. A sailor gets home late..............



He left home about 8:30 a.m. to do some work on his boat at the marina with his friends. On the way out the door he answered his wife's "what time will you be home?" question with "probably about 1:30, I'll have lunch at the deli in the marina."

1:30 came & went, 3:00 passed, 6:15, still not home, finally at about 7:00 pm he rolls in the driveway, and presents his wife with a pizza, and begins the apologetic story.

I finished cleaning the boat about 11:30, had lunch, and I started home, when alongside the road I saw this attractive girl with a flat tire on her car. I stopped to help, got the tire changed, and looked around for a place to wash my hands. She offered money, but I refused, so she suggested that I at least allow her to buy me a beer. She said there's a tavern just up the road, and they have a restroom, you can clean up a bit. I agreed to stop, we had a beer, then another beer, then a couple more, and I realized that this girl was not only pretty, she was very friendly, and a good companion to spend time with. Before I knew it, we were in the motel next door having sex. And that is why I am so late getting home.

His wife looked him right in the eye and said "don't lie to me;

YOU WENT SAILING, DIDN'T YOU?

[James Baines]

Sherlock Holmes and Watson were on their annual camping vacation to the UK Lake District. Holmes awoke Watson and asked: “Look around Watson and tell me what you see”.
Watson said “I see the faintest glimmer of light, I begin to see the edge of the lake, I begin to see the trees around us from which I deduce that dawn is about to break”.
Holmes said “All very well Watson but I was hoping you might have noticed that during the night, someone stole our bloody tent!!!”

[Bill Burgette]

My girlfriend and I were sitting around the navigation center playing on the laptop. I wanted to join a forum to check on some electronics. I was feeling a little amorous so when it asked for a password I typed in P.E.N.I.S. and gave her a wink. She nearly died laughing when I received the message back from the forum that stated "Password Rejected, Not Long Enough. Me and Ole' Rodney Dangerfield......same boat.

[Bill Burgette]

Kinda reminds me of the time I was sitting on the boat sanding a little teak. A Jehovah's witness was walking the dock. He stopped and asked for permission to come aboard and talk to me. I said, "sure, step on over, have a seat and I'll go make us some coffee. I went below, got some coffee and a homemade cinnamon roll and gave them to him and said, "Well, what do you want to talk about?" He shrugged his shoulders, looked at me with a blank look and said, "Beats the crap out of me, I've never got this far before."

[Minggat]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black

hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man

walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about

200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the

dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this

may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen

a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to

help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment, of brotherhood

and silence, passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Sure, get in line."

[delmarrey]

I was born before: television, penicillin,*polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox,*contact lenses, Frisbees and, the pill.

There were* no:*credit cards, laser beams or, ball-point pens

Man had not invented:*pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and, man hadn't yet walked on the moon*

My Parents got married first, ..* And then lived together..***

Most families had a father and a mother.*

Until I was 15, I called every man older than me, "Sir".
And after I turned 25, I* still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."

I was born before, computer-* dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

My life were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense, for the most part.**

I were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.*

Serving My country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege..

I thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.** *

Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.**

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing*condominiums.*

I'd never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, or yogurt.**

I listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.**

If I saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, I considered it junk.**

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exams.**

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.*

There were 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.*

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a* streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.*

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.*

You* could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . .. . But* who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.**

In my day:* "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink,*"pot" was something your mother cooked in and, "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.*** "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, "chip" meant a piece of wood,*"hardware" was found in a hardware store and "software" wasn't even a word.*

And I was in the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.*

No wonder people call me "old and*confused".*

How old do you think I am?

[hummingway]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

I was born before: television, penicillin,*polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox,*contact lenses, Frisbees and, the pill.


No wonder people call me "old and*confused".*

How old do you think I am?

You had to be born before 1887. That's when contact lens were invented (old and confused? More like dead and moldy!)

[Adelie]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

I was born before: television, penicillin,*polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox,*contact lenses, Frisbees and, the pill.

There were* no:*credit cards, laser beams or, ball-point pens

Man had not invented:*pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and, man hadn't yet walked on the moon*

My Parents got married first, ..* And then lived together..***

Most families had a father and a mother.*

Until I was 15, I called every man older than me, "Sir".
And after I turned 25, I* still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."

I was born before, computer-* dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

My life were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense, for the most part.**

I were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.*

Serving My country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege..

I thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.** *

Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.**

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing*condominiums.*

I'd never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, or yogurt.**

I listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.**

If I saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, I considered it junk.**

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exams.**

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.*

There were 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.*

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a* streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.*

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.*

You* could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . .. . But* who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.**

In my day:* "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink,*"pot" was something your mother cooked in and, "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.*** "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, "chip" meant a piece of wood,*"hardware" was found in a hardware store and "software" wasn't even a word.*

And I was in the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.*

No wonder people call me "old and*confused".*

How old do you think I am?

Old enough to have forgotten that the teen birth rate in the 1950's was more than twice what it is now?

Old enough to occasionally forget the correct use of 'were' and 'was"?

Old enough to remember when American youth were so degenerate and morally weak that even a second hand whiff of reefer smoke would lead to an orgy with anyone who happened by? (I saw 'Reefer Madness' so I know how it used to be.) I guess that explains the teen prenancy rate.

Today it just gives them the munchies. I guess that explains the current obesity problem.

Old enough to remember when Joe McCarthy was considered a patriot and an American Hero?

Old enough to remember a time when people holding socially suspect opinions would have the FBI visit their employers just before losing their jobs?

Old enough to remember the time before African-Americans were called 'blacks'?

Old enough to remember 11cent gas would be about $3.25 when adjusted for inflation? (1933ish)

Old enough to remember when most women stayed with the men who beat them because there was not socially acceptable alternative?

Old enough to remember when cocaine was an ingredient of coke? The term seems to have come full circle.

[Minggat]

Heck, just the story is old. I mean tape decks and electric typewriters? Even FAX machines have almost disappeared now.

[s/vfootloose]

The first clothes dryers were invented in the early 1800s, the television was in 1900, primitive air conditioners were used in the 700s modern elec air con in 1902, and before the pill how many married because the baby was already on the way, not to mention how many girls were married at 12,13 14 years old.