Sell the boat or keep it?

[Sea Dreaming]

Originally Posted by john61ct

Man asks for advice about a boat. . .

I think this statement by Ann Cate covers boats pretty well too!

Exile, indeed, who knows? But, where there is a woman or man involved, there is no one but each of them to know what he or she really wants. No one else can speak for them, even when similar experiences of life are involved. We all see through the filters of our own personalities.

Ann

[Exile]

Originally Posted by Ann T. Cate

Exile, indeed, who knows? But, where there is a woman or man involved, there is no one but each of them to know what he or she really wants. No one else can speak for them, even when similar experiences of life are involved. We all see through the filters of our own personalities.

Ann

All too true Ann, and very nicely put as usual. It's an old cliché that in reality applies universally.

[valhalla360]

Originally Posted by KiminAK

Can it not be that he loves her, she loves him, she just doesn't like to sail?? She loves him, she wants him to be happy, she's happy with him going sailing without her?

If that was the case, I think he would have said just that instead of:
Recently it has been made clear to me that my wife has no further interest in sailing (not that she ever really did).

That SCREAMS to me that she let it be known that there had better be a change in the relationship and she is expecting a change in something very soon. It may or may not be acceptable for the OP to keep a boat but figuring out the relationship issue is the first priority before figuring out if keeping the boat makes sense.

I'm not suggesting the OP's wife doesn't love him dearly (for all I know, they might love each other to death or love to see the other dead), but the crux of the issue is clearly a relationship issue first and the boat situation is secondary to resolving the relationship issue.

[weavis]

Gosh Doctors!

Who cares?

He wants advice on keeping a 50 footer that he got just right for himself, faced with a change in plans of sailing companion, he is asking what others did so he can look a the logistics of age and maintaining it. His private business is exactly that.

[hamburking]

Originally Posted by Sea Dreaming

Actually, women don't "itch". They spend 20 years being patient, trying to make life work, giving their all. After 20 years they realize they aren't getting what they want and move on.

For us it was 30 years. I thought all the tough times were behind us. We owned 8 boats together. Of course there's more to the story, but yes, money (or lack thereof) was a factor. They say that when a wife leaves, she takes your wallet by grabbing it through your scrotum. I can confirm that.

[JPA Cate]

hamburking: I have been struck before by your situation. I don't know your pain, but it must have been considerable. You missed telltale signs. I don't know how or why that happened, but I am sorry for your pain.

For whatever little it is worth, it is not exactly great fun to have a husband of 20 yrs. cast one off like a dirty dishrag, either. Personally, I think divorce is like casting Christians to the lions, and the participants both are the Christians.

Both are hurtful. For both, the healing comes from within.

Hopefully, you'll be able to get back on the water, and experience the healing that has to offer. None of knows what the future will offer. Again, I am sorry for the pain.

Ann

[daletournier]

Originally Posted by Sea Dreaming

Actually, women don't "itch". They spend 20 years being patient, trying to make life work, giving their all. After 20 years they realize they aren't getting what they want and move on.

This applies equally to guys as well, just some stick in there.

Sent from my vivo Y35 using Cruisers Sailing Forum mobile app

[daletournier]

People often just want different things or develop different desires as time goes by, I think this is normal, its the denying this that isnt natural. There's always a cost, that's just life.

If I was the op I'd go sailing alone or with crew or a combination of both, the boat would not get sold, I'd set it up so its easy to singlehand. If the wife wants to come along at times then great, if she dosent so be it.

Being alone at times dosent have to mean your lonely, it may take some getting used to but there are some real benefits.

People need to live the lives they wish to live and be true to themselves. Not living your life because your partner wants a different one only builds resentment.....not for me.

Sail the world in your boat.

Sent from my vivo Y35 using Cruisers Sailing Forum mobile app

[boatman61]

Its better to be alone than lonely in a relationship..
I've never felt lonely when I'm on my own..

[Kenomac]

Originally Posted by elandra65

Thanks for your responses,

a little more info. I am in my later fifties, kids are independent and I have no debt and do have some assets. Finances are not so much the issue. I really don't want to sell and buy another boat as every time I do this it takes me enormous amounts of time and money to get it to a point where I am happy taking it offshore and I don't think I would be much better off financially doing this in any case. Been there done that too many times!

I had thought about getting crew for the passages etc and I guess this is the sort of information I am requesting. Using family as crew is not really practical as they all have careers with very restricted vacation opportunity. Best they can do is fly to a location and spend a couple of weeks which they have done before. It kinda works.

regards

Andrew

Andrew,

I sail our 53ft boat half the time by myself, anchorage to anchorage to meet my wife at various locations. She joins me for four, 3 week-long intervals spread over a six month time period. You can do it; no need to downsize or modify your relationship as others have suggested.

[River Cruiser]

I'am in a similar situation, I live aboard 8-9 months of the year and go back home during the winter months. My wife visits 1 or 2 weekends per month, it's a 250 mile drive from home to the boat on the Mississippi River. She has her flowers, vegetable garden and bee hives to tend to. I would not sell the boat, I know the feeling of having a boat that you've put a lot of work and $$$ into making it your own. The difference between me and Andrew is I have a 38' power boat that isn't a problem to singlehand and I cruise the inland rivers not the oceans visiting foreign ports. With a little effort I would think you can find 1 or 2 others who enjoy your type of cruising to help crew your boat. Or possibly several others that would take turns for various legs of your journey, I would try to maintain the same people year to year. Also paying the crew expenses as you would your wife's while on the boat would be beneficial to getting qualified people. I would also make sure to go home and spend time with my wife as absence makes the heart grow fonder.

[dallycally]

10 yrs of sailing the Caribbean Bahamas and east coast of USA, with my wife. Now some Grand children, Nana will fly to the destination, but not full time.
I got a crew at the club and have had the best time on three different occasions. It might surprise you how many people want the experience, that are already sailors. Your boat should be comfortable for a crew. We stopped, since we are an outside boat 5 -7 time going south from Boston and had a ball. The safest part of the trips was out at sea.
I would also keep the 50' if your doing offshore.
This year (after two years on the hard) after figuring this all out, I'll head to Key West and get a slip and take it a little easier.
Your not getting any younger.
Hope this helps!

[elandra65]

Hi all,

what a great response. Thank you all very much and there is much to consider here. I have also saved a bunch on a marriage counsellor

After reading through the comments about the boat size I do agree a smaller boat would be more suitable but there appear to be many single handling larger boats. As mentioned I generally do that anyway with the two of us on the 50 footer so no big problem, so far! As mentioned, away from the dock is not a problem and I avoid marinas where I can.

I love the comment about asking "fellow addicts" Maybe I asked the question knowing the answer I would get subconsciously!

Perhaps the compromise position is to keep the boat and do passages with crew from time to time. Then my wife can fly out to wherever. Of those single handers out there in a similar position how do you go getting and choosing crew for passages etc? I know there are websites out there for this
purposes but is this the best method?

thanks once again for all your input.


regards


Andrew

[john61ct]

Originally Posted by elandra65

I have also saved a bunch on a marriage counsellor [emoji2]

8-D

Originally Posted by elandra65

keep the boat and do passages with crew from time to time. Then my wife can fly out to wherever.

Not a "compromise" but an ideal solution.

Compromise may be needed in negotiating the details destinations, time spent apart vs together; ideally you will both be highly motivated to help each other be happy!

Originally Posted by elandra65

how do you go getting and choosing crew for passages etc?

I used to pick up crewing gigs just hanging out at clubs, helping race days, deliveries, networking among a local community.

As stated above whatever you do, start with day sails, maybe weekends, increasingly long trips, feel very solid about someone before committing to long periods at sea together.

[john61ct]

http://www.cruisersforum.com/forums/...d.php?t=180484