Advice for a dreamer needed.

[chuckr]

OH -- I did forget one thing -- just like a French Mistress boats need to be exercised on a regular basis to maintain peak performance. Leaving her sit for long periods is not good for a boat -- we find even living aboard full time we need to keep her exercised to make sure she performs when we need her to perform.

[hoppy]

Originally Posted by ColonelWima

We, my wife and me, won't make it around the world anymore as we are in our 70 ties, however my dream has been partly achieved as we live and sail on a boat. My wife used to be afraid when loosing sight of land but not anymore. We sail the Aegean islands, where if you plan well, distances between them are no more than 50 nm and you do not need to loose sight of land. Also if you want you might encounter rough weather. This meant that when we slowly increased distances, loosing sight of land and sometimes met not such good weather my wife lost here fear and is happy. Based on our experience it might be a good idea to spent your sailing time here. There are plenty boats of different make and size for rent here which my help to choose the correct boat for your dream.

This is to me a sensible approach to dealing with the fear. The OP should perhaps consider moving the boat to the Aegean before crossing to the Carribean if the wife has not gotten over the fear.

I'm not sure why a few posters are so negative about buying and having a distant boat? Plenty do it. If you want to minimise the maintenance time, find a reliable service company who you can get to do the work for you. It costs, but based on the OP's boat desire, it's not going to be a hardship.


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[Juho]

Buy a boat that your wife loves, not the one that you have dreamed of. There might be a considerable difference between these two models. My best guess is a boat with classy, functional and well equipped interior, and one that is stable and built to high safety standards. That could mean a good quality cruising boat (or potentially a catamaran in the case that your wife hates heeling). Let her make the decision. You make the background work and introduce the the best (from the female perspective) boats to her.

[hoppy]

Originally Posted by Juho

Buy a boat that your wife loves, not the one that you have dreamed of. There might be a considerable difference between these two models. My best guess is a boat with classy, functional and well equipped interior, and one that is stable and built to high safety standards. That could mean a good quality cruising boat (or potentially a catamaran in the case that your wife hates heeling). Let her make the decision. You make the background work and introduce the the best (from the female perspective) boats to her.

Given that the OP's wife has sailing experience and dreams, I would already expect that she has been involved in the process of creating a short list of boats that has been narrowed down to the Hanse.


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[Juho]

Originally Posted by hoppy

Given that the OP's wife has sailing experience and dreams, I would already expect that she has been involved in the process of creating a short list of boats that has been narrowed down to the Hanse.

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That would be a good approach. Giving disproportionally large weight to the preferences of the of the other party could be even better (= a good plot to buy the wife in to the project).

[barnakiel]

Most of what you want will work and your plan sounds 99% viable. I would proceed with execution.

I doubt anything will warm up anyone to doing what you want to do. Some people like sailing, boats and ocean adventures (= ocean boredom), others do not. My partner jumped up and said yahoo when I suggested we quit our jobs and go sailing till we find we want to do something else.

So on the sailing / vacation / fun / in the sun front you are covered. The other thing you simply say nothing and watch that lady carefully trying to find out what actually she gets her kicks out of. Then play along. You may like crocheting after all.

Elans are nice boats. Expect Bavaria quality with sleeker looks.+

Cheers,
b.

[Taichungman]

Follow your dream; you won't know if it will work unless you try. I bought a Cat in the 80's and moved on it and lived and sailed for two years. My wife finally jumped ship and I sold the boat and we moved ashore. We eventually divorced; I should have kept the boat. But, living on that boat was the best two years of my life. And, now 30 years later my EX-wife told me that it was best of hers also. Go figure.

[Sea Dreaming]

Originally Posted by dkroar

I would advise you both to look up "Little Cunning Plan" blog, and read the A-Z series on Anxiety. Fear is not an illusion, and if you trivialize her concerns that way, you will only find that the line will be drawn in concrete. -Off-Boat-Topic-, I know.

I appreciate when my "fears" are met with empathy, and then worked out together through actions, experiences, and practice. I'm doing things I would never have dreamed of otherwise. I applaud your plan to start out easily, and work your way towards more liveaboard time, but as was previously stated, you might see plans morphing into something else, be flexible, and see where your life together takes you.

Agreed!

Further, don't take the advice to just get the boat your wife wants. Really dicuss the boat together. Learn about boats together. Speaking as a woman, I don't need to be pandered to. What I need is to be treated as an equal and with the same respect given others. Just doing things my way is neither respectful of my intelligence nor makes me feel loved. It makes me feel patronized. Respect that your wife will have valuable input and is very capable of rational discussion about what you both need in a boat.
Boats come in a thousand configurationd. Knowing what you both need shall help you narrow your choices AND you will both feel good about it.

[JPA Cate]

Welcome aboard, Pjoke, or Anders. How would you like us to call you?

I will be a dissenting voice here. First off, I think the boat is really too big, and too expensive for your plan, it will inevitably become complicated, and 50 plus footer is a huge boat to learn in. It is not the purchase price, but the costs of mooring and maintenance in your absence. Neither one of you mayl ever get free to enjoy it.

Ask your wife if she is willing to give up her work, that lovely source of external validation, as well as funds. If the answer is "no", that whole issue will need to be addressed. Someone above suggested chartering for those brief holidays. Actually, you could learn a lot about different boats that way, a plan that would ultimately give you more flexibility. I'd start about 36 feet.

I agree with the woman above who wrote to include your wife in all the decision making, and not from a male superior position.

When you think about this dream, who do you think will fix things? The simpler the boat, the easier that all will be, and the smaller, the less expensive. The forces generated by 50 plus footers require more expensive sails, bigger hardware, &c. Mooring costs will be less with a smaller boat, and possibly it might even be safer for you two. It is desirable to be debt free and able to retire without debt. Consider what you need, a very different issue from what you want. Consider the maintenance on say, having a washing machine. Need a water maker too? Or, are these "wants", and maybe okay to use laundromats? Consider what you guys personally have for your bottom line with regards to creature comforts. Consider what is the smallest boat you would find acceptable, armed with that number, perhaps you could upgrade in quality.

Ann

[Hudson Force]

We are all different in our expectations and ability to adapt to living space, but my wife and I would do well with something around 35 to 38 feet. We have remained aboard a somewhat larger boat after our children have moved away as adults, but we don't actually need our full 41 feet. Before our children were born we lived well on a 30 foot boat. In some ways there is a greater freedom in having less!

In addition, I would claim that our most significant success in living aboard and cruising for 44 years has been our agreement that everything is negotiable.

[Don C L]

I'm with Ann on this too. You have really shot for the fence on your first idea for a boat. You say your wife is an able sailor, perhaps she has some experience that makes her wary of circumnavigation? Do you and your wife enjoy being out on the sea now? Maybe fly to the Caribbean and charter there first to see how it goes? I always think it is best to come to cruising by way of sailing.. that is, get a small and very fun boat to sail and see if it catches your heart.. and your wife too! Better yet two small boats and learn by racing each other! Confidence in yourselves as sailors, in the boat, and in the sea, will make the dream come together more realistically.

[Lepke]

Women should skip this post, most won't like it.

Focus "like a laser" on your dream, if that is really your dream. You have 2 choices, live your dream or live your wife's dream. They are different. I first lived on the water when I was 7 and am 67 now. I have seen hundreds of maritime relationships. Most no longer exist. Most of the men from those relationships, divorced at least once, work some shore job they hate. If they still can afford a boat it is mostly abandoned. A few, maybe a dozen are still living their dream but with wife/girlfriend # 2,3,4.... Only a couple have wife #1 and still cruising.
Statically most relationships do not last. Very few women actually like boat living. A few more loyal companions will put up with it. Most will harp, nag, or whine until you give up your dream or they leave. And some won't try it at all.
If you're lucky, you have a naturally happy woman. Most are not. They hide their unhappiness like a dark family secret, but eventually it will come out. It is a myth that you can make a woman happy. A few are happy naturally the rest are not. There is nothing you can do to change that.
Keep in mind your dream. Face life the way it is, not how you wish it to be. Decisions will come in your life and you will get to decide if living your dream is important or if something else will do.

[Hudson Force]

I doubt if a degree happiness is an innate quality of males or females. In any case happiness is not typically an outcome of fate or fortune. Happiness more often is the result of wise decisions and planning.

Happiness is not happenstance!

[barnakiel]

Originally Posted by Hudson Force

(...) Happiness more often is the result of wise decisions and planning.

Happiness is not happenstance!

Let me strongly disagree with this. I noticed people are either happy or unhappy. More like color of the hair, something we are born with or without.

I also think there is sometimes a drift through the life so that a happy kid may be a less happy adult towards their old age.

I have also noticed sudden and (definitive?) changes: like may happen in a sudden loss of one we love.

But on the whole, I believe, it is something we are born with.

Just my impressions from looking at others and at myself too.

b.

[Sea Dreaming]

Originally Posted by barnakiel

Let me strongly disagree with this. I noticed people are either happy or unhappy. More like color of the hair, something we are born with or without.

I also think there is sometimes a drift through the life so that a happy kid may be a less happy adult towards their old age.

I have also noticed sudden and (definitive?) changes: like may happen in a sudden loss of one we love.

But on the whole, I believe, it is something we are born with.

Just my impressions from looking at others and at myself too.

b.

And now I am going to diagree with you!

My experience has been that happiness is a self directed thought process. One can choose to be happy. The happiest people do so! Happiness is not fated or defined at birth. Its deliberately seeking thoughts that please you and deliberately choosing to observe the fruits of those pleasing thoughts. In a way, a very real way, happiness is like self esteem. Its an inside job!