Dealing with Non-Custodial Parents

[David M]

Is there a child custody agreement with the court? If there is such a document, then what is stated is effectively the law. If the father objects to taking his child out to sea then he has the right to file a motion with the court to create a child custody agreement or to have the existing agreemet modified.

If I were the father, this is what I would do if I still wanted to see my son on a periodic basis. Being a divorced father with a son...absolutely!

[David_Old_Jersey]

Originally Posted by sailingrn

So take it one day at a time. One never knows how the future will unfold. So far we are very blessed and I know blessings will continue, it's just a matter of how I look at it....

That's my take on things as well - all things considered, could be a lot worse.

[lawdawg]

I did a lot of family law and there seems to be a bunch of terms being tossed around incorrectly. If there is a visitation schedule you likely have joint custody with one of the parties set as primary, that is not the same thing as sole custody. The court almost always wants someone set as 'primary physical custodian' so that one of the parties has a final say. If one party has relinquished their parental rights, they have no say, the child is no longer theirs in the eyes of the law and the child cannot even inherit from that person as a child. Usually the courts do this in situations such as adoptions.

[boatman61]

Greetings, Welcome and Happy New Year....
Don't suppose it'd help to invite the ex out once in a while to see how good the life is for his son...?
On second thoughts cancel the above....
Hope you reach an agreement...

[hellosailor]

rn-
Having some familiarity...I can say that I understand exactly how complicated it can get. And that I neither believe or disbelieve or assume anything from either side, as they say "there's his side, her side, and what really happened." Dunno about the details, just that if the court assigned sole custody, and the custodian CARES ENOUGH TO ASK...that's two signs in your favor.

" You do have a right to leave your son." Homey don't think so. It could get problematic, depending on why you are sole custodian (discretion being the better part of valor, I'm not asking). A court might say "that's abandonment" and things could get nasty...you might very well need permission from the court to leave your son back with his father.

"Sorry, son, but the judge says you'll just have to come on a trip around the world"?<G>


Oh yeah.

[captainKJ]

Originally Posted by boatman61

Greetings, Welcome and Happy New Year....
Don't suppose it'd help to invite the ex out once in a while to see how good the life is for his son...?
On second thoughts cancel the above....
Hope you reach an agreement...

The Ex could always be holding on to the anchor in 200 feet of water when he is pushed////meant falls off

[boatman61]

Originally Posted by captainKJ

The Ex could always be holding on to the anchor in 200 feet of water when he is pushed////meant falls off

Ouch... do I sense a touch of bitterness somewhere....
Personally I figured my son was better off with my ex... me being an irresposible biker/adventurer/chancer and all that... she offered security... I did not

[captainKJ]

Originally Posted by boatman61

Ouch... do I sense a touch of bitterness somewhere....
Personally I figured my son was better off with my ex... me being an irresposible biker/adventurer/chancer and all that... she offered security... I did not

you would have to define security,, what is ones man security is another mans prison,,,,,,

30 years mortgage and a white picket fence that you are locked into and can not leave or the freedom to go and do what you want when you want it

which is security and which is ludicrous and insane

[boatman61]

Originally Posted by captainKJ

you would have to define security,, what is ones man security is another mans prison,,,,,,

30 years mortgage and a white picket fence that you are locked into and can not leave or the freedom to go and do what you want when you want it

which is security and which is ludicrous and insane

Actually I was talking about my childs sense of security/stability/wellbeing.... not mine
It was my instability that was a threat to his future as I saw it... not that much good looking after myself in the conventional sense...lol.

Anyway... lets keep US out of it and stick to the OP....

Lady... this is a tough one that only you can resolve... if the courts have given you sole unconditional custody... go for it... Dad will have to lump it.
But maybe its better by trying to get him onside if possible (no anchors) and work something out... as I said before invite him aboard when the whole family goes out for a sail.... unless there's a lot of residual bitterness
In which case its a hiding for nothing...
You and only you know 'how it is'.... all we can do is speculate and in the end you'll have to bite the bullet anyway....
If it feels 'Right' do it... not just 'Because you can...'

[AllezCat]

Hi rn and all,
There are 2 types of custody: legal and physical.
I assume you have sole legal custody, and joint physical custody.
legal custody regards decisions about schools, etc.
Physical regards where the child resides - if joint (physical)custody then one parent is usually primary and the other has a co-parenting schedule.
Legal custody doesn't mean a great deal (IMHO)- you going to argue with your ex about schools??
But, legal custody does not automatically entitle the custodial parent to relocate, as they will be breaching the co-parenting schedule.
Perhaps the child could stay with the father and visit the yacht regularly - best of both worlds...
I am divorced after 4 years in court - have great relationship with daughter and ex. We just traveled to Australia to see my family. And we have written into our stip that the child can stay on our boats (and we have the right to install gpstracking etc), but schedule remains except by mutual agreement.
Guys please do not assume a man is a bad parent for anything that occurs in the cesspool of divorce court...
view tropia versus tropia for the relocation precedent...

[ozskipper]

Originally Posted by sailingrn

Just wondered if there are any folks out there who have had to deal with a blended family situation while cruising. My 11-year-old son goes to see his father every other weekend and several weeks during the summer. I have sole custody, so am entitled to make all decisions regarding my son's education and living arrangements. However, I've always included his father in these decisions out of respect. My current husband and I have been talking about and planning the transition to live aboard our 44 foot Gulfstar and begin cruising. My son has a very good relationship with my husband and loves to sail. He is extremely ready and excited to see the world on a boat. We have a business and aging parents at home so will be forced to travel back every few months to touch base and my son would have these opportunities to see his father. He would not be seeing him less, but the visits would just be longer each time instead of every other weekend. But, needless to say my ex-husband is less than thrilled with this whole thing. Not only me moving his son onto a boat and home schooling him, but sailing on the ocean no less! My son's father and family have been telling him the boat will sink and that sharks will eat him.

It is not my intention to take my son away from his father and my husband and I have already communicated to my son that we wouldn't leave without him, even if it means we have to wait. But my son doesn't want to wait, we are all ready to go now and the visitation situation seems to be one of the major hurdles. I could do whatever I want and just deal with his dad along the way, but I'm quite positive some serious custody and legal steps would be taken. But not only that, I feel my son could ultimately suffer because of his father's anger toward me.

We have 3 other children, two boys who are 19 & 20 and a 3-year-old little girl. Life has been incredibly challenging and stressful for us and none of us seem to be cut out for the day-to-day get up go to work and school year after year scene. We are each just fading into life and monotony. During warm weather we spend as much time as possible on our boat on the lake and our family is drawn together in such a special way. It’s as if we start breathing again and really living. I understand we can try to do as much as possible while on dry land to foster this kind of feeling, but deep down we know there is a whole world out there to see. I'm sad we can't see it now while the children are still young and especially sad that it's because of my ex-husband. I guess we all have to live with our past, but this is a tough one.

I know there are so many different types of cruising families out there and would love to hear about how others have overcome similar obstacles to living their dream.

Wait 5-6 years. Its not "that" long. The kid will be much more independant (late teens) and will be less likely to regret your decision to remove him from his fathers day to day life. He is too young to understand that now and would see the adventure through rose coloured glasses.

This is really a moral question and you probably need to take it to a self help/social values site.

I remember being offered a very high paying job that would have taken me away from the kids after my divorce. It was very tempting. But I stayed for the kids sake. I dont think removing either parent from a childs life is ever positive (assuming that mom and dad arent crack heads).

I am very biased here. I certainly sacrificed a real adventure myself and looking back I dont regret not having the fat cheque book. What I do value is the fact the kids got quality time with both parents.

Put up with the monotany for a few more years, and as I said, wait till the child is able to make a grown up decision. Besides, find any parent who really loves the day to day monotany of life. I think most would rather be having an adventure, but they put up with the boredom, school trips, soccer practice, dance lessons and so on for the sake of the kids not themselves!

Cheers
Oz

[Minggat]

Originally Posted by ozskipper

Wait 5-6 years. Its not "that" long. The kid will be much more independant (late teens) and will be less likely to regret your decision to remove him from his fathers day to day life. He is too young to understand that now and would see the adventure through rose coloured glasses.

This is really a moral question and you probably need to take it to a self help/social values site.

I remember being offered a very high paying job that would have taken me away from the kids after my divorce. It was very tempting. But I stayed for the kids sake. I dont think removing either parent from a childs life is ever positive (assuming that mom and dad arent crack heads).

I am very biased here. I certainly sacrificed a real adventure myself and looking back I dont regret not having the fat cheque book. What I do value is the fact the kids got quality time with both parents.

Put up with the monotany for a few more years, and as I said, wait till the child is able to make a grown up decision. Besides, find any parent who really loves the day to day monotany of life. I think most would rather be having an adventure, but they put up with the boredom, school trips, soccer practice, dance lessons and so on for the sake of the kids not themselves!

Cheers
Oz

What he said.

We all want to run off and play. But sometimes we still have dues to pay.

One of the most valuable lessons in life I have ever learned goes like this,
"Good things comne to those who wait". Could have saved a lot of grief if I had learned it earlier in life.

[Spudman]

Originally Posted by sailingrn

Just wondered if there are any folks out there who have had to deal with a blended family situation while cruising. My 11-year-old son goes to see his father every other weekend and several weeks during the summer. I have sole custody, so am entitled to make all decisions regarding my son's education and living arrangements. However, I've always included his father in these decisions out of respect. My current husband and I have been talking about and planning the transition to live aboard our 44 foot Gulfstar and begin cruising. My son has a very good relationship with my husband and loves to sail. He is extremely ready and excited to see the world on a boat. We have a business and aging parents at home so will be forced to travel back every few months to touch base and my son would have these opportunities to see his father. He would not be seeing him less, but the visits would just be longer each time instead of every other weekend. But, needless to say my ex-husband is less than thrilled with this whole thing. Not only me moving his son onto a boat and home schooling him, but sailing on the ocean no less! My son's father and family have been telling him the boat will sink and that sharks will eat him.

It is not my intention to take my son away from his father and my husband and I have already communicated to my son that we wouldn't leave without him, even if it means we have to wait. But my son doesn't want to wait, we are all ready to go now and the visitation situation seems to be one of the major hurdles. I could do whatever I want and just deal with his dad along the way, but I'm quite positive some serious custody and legal steps would be taken. But not only that, I feel my son could ultimately suffer because of his father's anger toward me.

We have 3 other children, two boys who are 19 & 20 and a 3-year-old little girl. Life has been incredibly challenging and stressful for us and none of us seem to be cut out for the day-to-day get up go to work and school year after year scene. We are each just fading into life and monotony. During warm weather we spend as much time as possible on our boat on the lake and our family is drawn together in such a special way. It’s as if we start breathing again and really living. I understand we can try to do as much as possible while on dry land to foster this kind of feeling, but deep down we know there is a whole world out there to see. I'm sad we can't see it now while the children are still young and especially sad that it's because of my ex-husband. I guess we all have to live with our past, but this is a tough one.

I know there are so many different types of cruising families out there and would love to hear about how others have overcome similar obstacles to living their dream.

Everyone has something to say. But think about it for a sec ! You can't take a child that small away at that age. Regardless if you are primary or not. Your dreams might just have to wait a few years honey. That's real

[dohenyboy]

I went through a very messy divorce and I have seen everything as far as other divorces go.
I will recognize that my position might be considered extreme, and will probably offend you, but here it goes.
You have to think about what is good for the child and that is all that is important. After all, they are the innocent parties which you brought into the world.
If someone with children gets divorced and had children, you have absolutely no business getting remarried until the youngest child is at least mid teens and preferably 18. Anyone who does otherwise is just plain selfish. It is so stressful for kids to have step parents.
If you do get remarried, its tremendously stressful for a child to have half siblings living there with him or her.
Not so important what the father wants or what kind of custody he has. Unless he is dangerous to the child, the important thing is that the boy needs his dad. not just every month or six months or so, but at any random moment.
It was hard for me waiting 10 years being alone but it was the best for my kids. They did not have to worry about a stepmother at my house. My attention was not divided. Does not matter how great the stepfather is, they still need the dad.
Now they are all grown up, and much happier than they would have been if I had not thought of them first.
Sometimes I remember the runner up to Miss Universe I let go, but, in perspective it was the better choice.
You will have to give up your cruising dreams for 5 or 7 years. You can take week long trips possible but that is it. or take trips in steps. Cruise one week, then fly everyone back home for a while, then cruise for another week.

[Minggat]

Dohenyboy,

You are right. And since you put it in absolute terms, you are absolutely right. That IS offensive.

The OP was not asking if she should remarry again. And since she already is now remarried, that type of input is inappropriate/insensitive..... in my opinion. At least you did tie you comment into the subject in the last couple of lines.

Divorce is horrible. Can't get around that. There is no one style or answer that fits all situations. I'm happy that you are happy with your choice. But when you go to the trouble of calling it extreme yourself, it comes off more.... (restrain), especially when you throw in the part about Miss Universe.