The Joke Thread

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by GordMay

Solving for Pythagorean Theorem:

A typical 3-4-5 right triangle 36.8º so whats the joke?

[Adelie]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

A typical 3-4-5 right triangle 36.8º so whats the joke?

The normal expectation when told to 'find x' is to solve the mathamatical question involved.

The joke is in ignoring the expectation and literally locating 'x' on the page.

[boatman61]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER...... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

(I don't care who you are, that's funny.)

[boatman61]

Girlie Wisdom!

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills, she has 14 kids but doesn't really care..
One of life's mysteries is how a 2-Kg box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 Kg!
The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today..
Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers'.

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!



SEND THIS TO BRIGHT WOMEN YOU KNOW AND MAKE THEIR DAY!!!

LIVE SIMPLY...LAUGH OFTEN...LOVE DEEPLY

[boatman61]

Every day
we
have
something
to
be thankful

for...










Today
we are thankful that the photographer was not standing on the other side!

[boatman61]

new york, times, serif">Blonde Mortician
new york, times, serif">A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing..

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.



'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.


'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'


'So I just switched the heads.'


(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

[boatman61]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.




Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.










After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.










True to his word, he made the first contact:










" Marion ... Marion "












"Is that you, Bob?"










"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."










"That's wonderful! What's it like?"









"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.








I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.










Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.










Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"










"No............I'm a rabbit in Surrey

[boatman61]

Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button ,nine months later a little Pop-Upappeared that said:


Scroll down...You'll love this .......

'You got Male!

[boatman61]

How fast can you guess these words?


1. BOO_S


2. _ _ NDOM



3. P_N_S



4. F_ _ K


5. PU_S_



6. S_X
































1. BOOKS
2. RANDOM
3. PANTS
4. FORK
5. PULSE
6. SIX

[boatman61]

Stress Test

I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate.

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it..

It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water.

The dolphins are identical.

A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical;





a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins.

The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.

Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a holiday.
















Please Do Not Reply, I will be on holiday!.


Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

[GordMay]

Boatman's (2) Dolphins Stress Test Photo

[Blue Stocking]

Originally Posted by GordMay

Solving for Pythagorean Theorem:

NOW I REMEMBER YOU, GORD.!! You sat next to me, and allowed me to copy your answers in trig.

Remember, we had that teacher that told us pi are square, and you corrected him with, pi are round, cornbread are square.

[GordMay]

Originally Posted by Blue Stocking

NOW I REMEMBER YOU, GORD.!! You sat next to me ...

I hope you don't mind if I brag that I knew you back when, before you'd transcended the handicap of knowing me.

[nirmal]

This is a good one. I read this couple of days back in book of Sailors.

How much did the pirate pay for his peg-leg and hook? An arm and a leg...

[GordMay]

"I'm gonna celebrate Labor Day by crackin a beer and not givin a ****." ~ Nick Nolte