The Joke Thread

[GordMay]

Fishwife:
I'm presuming that some knowledge of who those people are, might help to make some sense of those (2) contributions.
Otherwise, they're complete nonsense, to me.

[fishwife]

Gord, they are all comedians. Google 'Edinburgh Festival' and' Edinburgh Fringe' to be a little wiser, but I do admit, one liners may not travel well Wiser as in having more knowledge, you're already pretty wise.

P.

[David_Old_Jersey]

Originally Posted by fishwife

and the worst

*Sara Pascoe
"Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."

I liked that one

[sailingmonica]

Be sure to read the comments of flight attendants
and crew listed below...


Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously.




From the cockpit on KULULA.COM- South Africa's Budget Airline

WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY NTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN.

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
------------------------------------------------------------------

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

---o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

----o0o---

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

----o0o---

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

---o0o---

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

---o0o---

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

---o0o---

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

---o0o---

From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

---o0o---

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

---o0o---

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

----o0o---

"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

---o0o---

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."

---o0o---

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

---o0o---

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

---o0o---

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

---o0o---

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

---o0o---

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

---o0o---

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."

---o0o---

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

---o0o---

Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

---o0o---

A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

[Burls]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

[GordMay]

Thanks Burls. Those struck too close to home!

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.”
The other says, “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”

[LakeSuperior]

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our
fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a
few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the **** inside!"

[S/V_Surya]

Gosh,

I'm rich!

Silver

in the Hair

Gold

in the Teeth

Stones

in the Kidneys

Sugar

in the Blood.

Lead

in the Ass

Iron

in the Arteries

And

an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.

[Underdog]

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy," I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."

"Is that right? " replied the manager, " My wife is from New Zealand !"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

[Underdog]

In the Deep South of the U S of A there’s an old man that has a habit of getting up early to sweep his path free of leaves. He is doing this, as usual, on a misty morning, when he sees a young fellow walking down the dirt path that runs by his place holding something in his arms. He can’t make out what it is through the mist, so he calls out. “Hey son, what have you got there?”

“Ol’ man, I got me a roll of chikin’ wire – I’m a’goin’ out huntin’ chikins.”

“Are you stupid boy? You’ll never catch any chickens with chicken wire.”

The boy lets out a laugh and walks on.

Later that day as the old man is rocking in his chair on the porch he is amazed to see the boy walk by with about 20 feet of chicken wire unravelled, trailing behind him, and 15 chickens stuck in it.

Next day he is out sweeping the path again, again it is a bit misty, and he sees the lad walking towards his house carrying something.

“Hey sonny, what have you got there now?” He shouts out.

“Ol’ man, I got me a roll of duct tape – I’m goin’ out huntin’ ducks.”

“You young fool, you can’t catch ducks with duct tape.”

The boy laughs again and walks on.

Later that day the old man is again on his porch and he sees the lad walk past with 30 feet of duct tape dragging behind him and 12 ducks stuck to it. He shakes his head in wonderment.

The following day, he is out there again and through the mist the boy walks towards him, again carrying something that he can’t make out.

“Son, what are you carrying there now?” he calls out.

“Ol’ man, I got me a stick of Pussy Willow…….”

“Wait up son – I’ll get my hat.”

[Underdog]

A man comes home from work, walks inside the front door of his home and is greeted by his wife.
“Hello Darling, how was your day? You look tired; sit down for a bit and rest. Can I get you anything?”
The man sits on the couch with a nice view of their garden and puts his feet up on the coffee table.
“Yes dear, I think I might as well have a beer before it starts.”
His wife goes off and gets him an icy cold beer from the fridge, which he opens and sips at, looking at the view.
She re-enters the room and says, “Have you finished that drink dear? Would you like another?”
“Yup, guess I can have another before it starts.”
She hands him another cold beer, which he drinks.
His wife comes in again and says, “How’s your drink, dear?”
He replies, “I suppose I could handle another before it starts.”
She begins to get heated up and says, “What’s all this about it ‘starting’? You’ve come in here, put your feet up done nothing but drink beer and now you…..”
He interrupts her…..”Don’t worry, it’s started…..”

[Underdog]

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last, didn't get the joke.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...
23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
37. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

[Underdog]

A son wants to place his father in retirement home, but he is concerned that it should not be just any old retirement home. He wants the best for his father.

He scours the advertisements for the places close by that are available, and selects two that he thinks may be suitable.

Deciding to do a little personal research he makes an appointment and visits one to speak with the manager. Introducing himself, and explaining his father’s situation and his desire to find somewhere that is really nice for his father he asks what this retirement home is like.

“Sir, you may rest assured that your father will love his time here” says the manager. “Everyone loves it, it is a pretty new facility and we take the very best of care with all our equipment, the gardens are immaculate and pool spotless. There are many people here that have been here since we opened and they couldn’t be happier here.”

“Well, I would expect you to say things such as that about the place you manage,” the man replies, “What I would really like to do is speak with one of the residents and get their experience of the place, if that is alright with you?”

“Certainly sir, no problems at all…. In fact here comes Mr Singh walking up the drive, he has been with us almost since we started here and would be happy to talk with you, I am sure.”

The man walks up to Mr. Singh and explains his situation all over again, and asks what the home is like.

Mr Singh says, “Well, I must say it is very, very nice here. The equipment is always in perfect order, the gardens are immaculate and the pool is always spotless. But more than that is the fun we have here; you Australians are always laughing and joking so much, and I find that very amusing. For example, we have a man here with red hair – and they call him ‘Blue’ – that is very funny. Another fellow has no hair at all and they call him ‘Curly’, which is most amusing. And as for me……. I haven’t had sex in 40 years, yet every time they see me coming they say ‘here comes that F*#@ing Indian.’”

[RayW]

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Bubba's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat... and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my Pappy, his father, and his father before him?

'Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said: 'Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you damn idiot.

[GordMay]

Solving for Pythagorean Theorem: