The Joke Thread

[Serenity_]

My brother and I had just returned from surfing in the morning to have breakfast with his wife at a local restaurant. With our boards mounted on top of the car on our racks, we pull into the parking lot just as she did. Just then it begins to rain and we scurry inside when she turns to us and says "your boards are on top of the car, aren't you afraid they are going to get wet?"

True story

[daddle]

..another true story:

After a truly fabulous evening sail under a full moon the girlfriend says "I just love the full moon, let's do this again next weekend."

BaaBoom!

[delmarrey]

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term
exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's
Milk,' worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular,
was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just
before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...


7.) It comes in 2 cute containers.

He got an A

[delmarrey]

pretty funny.

While at Sucia Is/Echo Bay I caught this young lady admiring herself with the camera while her parents were on shore. A short little blast with the air horn sent her scrambling inside.

[delmarrey]

how we came to have an oil shortage here in the USA.

Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in:

ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
North Dakota
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
~~~
But our dipsticks are located in Washington DC!

[Serenity_]

Originally Posted by daddle

..another true story:

After a truly fabulous evening sail under a full moon the girlfriend says "I just love the full moon, let's do this again next weekend."

BaaBoom!

HAHA, and on that note, cue facepalm.

[Chief Engineer]

Originally Posted by boatman61

It takes just

£1

On a boring Sunday afternoon ....

... To really piss someone off on Monday morning!

Is this one of those Dan Brown, Masonic Clues?

[KCee]

The 61 year old joke must be a few years old - ballpoint pens were invented in 1938 !

[D.D.]

THE CHICKEN

Ken came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ken.'

Ken was stunned. ' I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ken was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. ...

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past . 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?

'Not bad, replied Ken the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating' explained the rooster.

'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

'Never,' said Ken.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"Ken, wake up! You [crapped] in the bed!"

[dazed&confused]

couple of mates runnin a law firm hire a hot new secretary,
the senior guy, john, takes the secretary out to dinner
he comes into work the next day and tells his mate, Rob, that they had sex.
"I think she's better than my wife" John says
rob figures that he's gotta try her out, so he takes the girl out to dinner, has sex with her, and the next day he tells john
"ya, I think you're right, she is better than your wife"

[dazed&confused]

two guys walk into a bar, the third guy ducks

[delmarrey]

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging
Through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the

Standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out,

"Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately

The sea turned into 'the hard-earned thirst' quencher. The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men

Considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish

Had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo!

Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

[sailingmonica]

The wife came home early and found her husband in
their bedroom making love to a very attractive young
woman. And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful
pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful
wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want
a divorce right away!' And the husband replied,
'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you
what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll
be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the
car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift.
She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on
her and let her into the car.I noticed that she was very
thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she
hadn't eaten for three days.So, in my compassion, I brought
her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night,
the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on
weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she
needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was
doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes,
so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave
her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but
don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,
.which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that
you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you
bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at
work has a pair the same.'The husband took a quick breath and
continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that
as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her
eyes and said,
Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use ?

[fishwife]

The ten best one liners at the recent Edinburgh Fringe

*1. Tim Vine
"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what – never again."
*2. David Gibson (as Ray Green)
"I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."
*3. Emo Philips
"I picked up a hitch-hiker. You gotta when you hit them."
*4. Jack Whitehall
"I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands ... I say 'bought' – I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."
*5. Gary Delaney
"As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."
*6. John Bishop
"Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."
*7. Bo Burnham
"What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."
*8. Gary Delaney:
"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."
*9. Robert White:
"For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates - empty."
*10. Gareth Richards
"Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub."

[fishwife]

and the worst

*Sara Pascoe
"Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."
*Sean Hughes
"You know city-centre beat officers... Well, are they police who rap?"
*Gyles Brandreth
"I've got nothing against lesbians. I mean, that's the point, isn't it?"
*Doc Brown
"I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our Price."
*John-Luke Roberts
"I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge."
*Sarah Millican
"I bought a cross-trainer to keep fit. I suppose that it's not enough to just buy it."
*Bec Hill
"Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."
*Dan Antopolski
"How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."
* Andi Osho
"Floella Benjamin is in the House of Lords. How did she get in, through the round window?"
*Gareth Richards
"My mother is always taking photographs of me - she said if you disappear tomorrow I want you to look good on the news."
*Emo Phillips
"I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."