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Old 11-12-2010, 16:00   #1066
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I'd give my left arm to be ambidextrous!!!
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Old 13-12-2010, 14:37   #1067
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The Onion on Abby Sunderland

Abby Sunderland - Concocted History's Most Extreme Plan To Get Out Of A Summer Job | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

"Few will be able to forget when 16-year-old California native Abby Sunderland set out this year to become the youngest person ever to circumnavigate the globe solo and avoid having to work a summer job just like everyone else her age. . . ."
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Old 16-12-2010, 19:51   #1068
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Wink Anyone for a Christmas Carol

Silent Monks................

Faithful are the Wounds of a Friend, but the Kisses of the Enemy are Deceitful! ........
The measure of a man is how he navigates to a proper shore in the mist of a storm!
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Old 16-12-2010, 20:06   #1069
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Silent Monks is a rip off-
Subterranean Homesick Blues by Bob Dylan Music Video on Yahoo! Music
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Old 16-12-2010, 21:32   #1070
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Now that ther's funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 16-12-2010, 21:41   #1071
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Originally Posted by kenny chaos View Post
He ain't all there, is he?
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Mark Twain
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Old 19-12-2010, 11:04   #1072
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For all you retired cruisers:

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for an STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts, this is the code for you....

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence
Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker
Wheels Need Oil
LMGA: Lost My Glasses Again
GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)

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Old 19-12-2010, 11:14   #1073
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Glad you wrote it in bold letters. LMGA
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Old 28-12-2010, 13:54   #1074
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Wink European Standard Language is coming!

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vordskontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
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Old 28-12-2010, 17:42   #1075
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Cadillac for $20

A guy sees an ad in the paper: "Cadillac, 2 years old, $20". He calls the number & asks, "Where's the misprint?"
The woman answers, "No missprint, $20 is the correct price."
"Then what's wrong with the car?"
"Nothing, it's in great condition."
"Come on, people don't sell Cadillacs for $20!"
She replies, "My husband just died, & in his will he stipulated that I was to sell his Cadillac & give the money to his mistress..."
-- Jon Hacking s/v Ocelot
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Old 28-12-2010, 17:59   #1076
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how to become a milloinaire and own a yacht

love this one,when faced with wealthy owners complaining about costs associated with their toys.

punchline; start off as a multimillionaire...................
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Old 30-12-2010, 11:35   #1077
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Forewarned is forearmed... I didn't see this one coming.. enjoy

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."
Aboard SeaWolf
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Old 08-01-2011, 02:32   #1078
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No - I won't explain it to those that can't get it.....

A bloke walks into a brothel and says: "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"

The madam replies $60.

"Wow, what do I get for that," he says.

She says: "A baggy green cap and an Australia cricket shirt.
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Old 08-01-2011, 05:13   #1079
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Originally Posted by Underdog View Post
A bloke walks into a brothel and says: "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"

The madam replies $60.

"Wow, what do I get for that," he says.

She says: "A baggy green cap and an Australia cricket shirt.
"take no prisoners"
so many projects--so little time !!
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Old 08-01-2011, 10:30   #1080

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what do you call a thousand lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start!!!!!1
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Jokes, paracelle

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