The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[Uncle Bob]

https://www.cruisersforum.com/forums...1&d=1651811664

[D&D]

Thoughts on ageing...

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it.

My bucket list: keep breathing.

Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, "Close enough."

Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.

I'm a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

Retirement to do list: Wake up. Nailed it!

Went to an antique auction and people were bidding on me.

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full, miss the point. The glass is refillable.

I don't have grey hair; I have wisdom highlights.

Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

I don't trip, I do random gravity checks.

My heart says chocolate and wine, but my jeans say, please, please, please eat a salad!

Never laugh at your spouse's choices. You are one of them.

One minute you're young and fun. The next, you're turning down the car stereo to see better.

I'd grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.

Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.

My body is a temple; ancient and crumbling.

Common sense is not a gift. It's a punishment because you have to deal with everyone else who doesn't have it.

I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what's going on. But, I remembered to send this to you.

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

Advice for the lovelorn ...

[GordMay]

[Jamme]

[Jamme]

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

Some ‘Notso’ famous, but wise quotations, from mothers:

“Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?” ~ Michelangelo’s mother

“Humpty, If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? No!” ~ Humpty Dumpty’s mother

“I’ve got a bill here, for a broken chair, from the Bear family. Do you know anything about this, Goldie?” ~ Goldilocks’ mother

“You know you’re a mom when you understand why Mama Bear’s porridge was too cold. ~ Anon.

“Yes, please get a new cup every time you need water.” ~ No mom ever.

“I don’t want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.” ~ Every new mother

“Four a.m. would be super helpful. Thanks.” ~ Any mother just asked: ‘When can we come see the baby?’

“My kid is turning out to be exactly like me. Well played, Karma. Well played.” ~ My mom



Some slightly better known quotes:

“Ah, babies. They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.” ~ Tina Fey

“I always say if you aren’t yelling at your kids, you’re not spending enough time with them.” ~ Reese Witherspoon

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” ~ Phyllis Diller

“I’ve conquered a lot of things… blood clots in my lungs — twice, knee and foot surgeries, winning Grand Slams being down match point, to name just a few. But I found out by far the hardest is figuring out a stroller!” ~ Serena Williams

[GordMay]

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[GordMay]

I’ve had some terrible days:
I got a job, coaching the Columbine High School Basketball Team, but we lost the big game, because we lost our two best shooters.
Then, my ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
Then, I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Then, I learned that a group of piranhas can maul a small child down to the bone, in under 20 seconds, and I lost my job at the aquarium.
Did you know that a fully grown bull Great White Shark is 15 feet long, and can open its jaws open up to 1.2 meters wide? It could eat a small child in seconds. Anyways, I lost my job at the that aquarium, too.
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice, for me.

[SailRN]

Have you come to that point in your life where the hereafter is more prevalent?


You know, you walk into a room, and you're thinking


What did I come into hereafter?

[Wotname]

For extra enjoyment, covertly throw those remaining parts into your buddies' tray of cleaning solvent.

[SailRN]

I have a theory that I've held since the early 1980s regarding leftover parts:

If you take any item, and take it apart and put it back together enough times, you'll eventually end up with two of them.

Craig