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john61ct · 20-11-2018, 20:39

At the search for such a unicorn.

https://youtu.be/US2nyRgg-SY

Settle for house-trained?

Dan GB · 21-11-2018, 00:29

Quote:

Originally Posted by gamayun

Hmm, that comment piqued my interest so I looked into the term some and found this study that self-aware couples in long-term relationships are more satisfied. So maybe I'll skip buff and young and go back to my original criteria with the hope it's not as rare as you might think.

https://www.scientificamerican.com/a...ng-self-aware/

Hmmm, as so often it turns into semantics and what things mean.

I took "fully self-aware" to a high and lofty place of being aware of myself, what drives me, values, beliefs, how and why I do the nonsense that I do. Sort of thing. Not 'enlightened' but in that direction.

In that article, the baseline definition seems to be more 'awareness of how you come across to other people'. That is much more achievable, I agree.

I have always felt that it's not that complicated. I think we have a built in guidance system, compass if you will, that moves us or attracts us to the direction we need to go. Can't remember from which film, but there was an unexpected line that stayed with me: "The heart wants what the heart wants." (Tried to find the film and discover that my poignant keepsake is all over the place, to the point of being a cliché - dang!). It's not intellectual, it's not usually rational, sometimes BOOM and sometimes it creeps up on you over years. But always leads to that moment when you become aware that you are attracted to someone.

You are attracted to what you need next. The criteria we create may be part of that, or not.

All good

**JPA Cate** · 21-11-2018, 01:13

^^^^^ It may not be quite that simple, actually, i think you have to put it out there to the universe, that (if it's what you want) you are now ready to meet your soul mate. ....And then, you have to wait, and if you've gotten over your hubris at such a statement, maybe, in fact, you are ready to meet each other, and hope you realize it at the time!

Ann

Dan GB · 21-11-2018, 03:30

I am with you there 100%. Knowing what you want, defining it in clear terms for yourself and the universe, is very much what I believe.

Having said that, it is also bizarre how the opposite, kind of, can be true. At least in my experience.

Married young, it was great, ten years, split up. Spent my 30s as a serial monogamist. Great women, some of them great friends still (well, one of them, lol) but in the back of my mind was this idea that I was looking for that special one to build a family with. And none of them were quite that. Fine. Many adventures, some of them horror stories, most sweet.

Get to 42, thinking "Hmmm, didn't think I would be starting a family quite this late..." Adding in years to meet someone, develop it all into something, future timeline stretching forward. And, here's the point, distinctly got to a point where I surrendered and gave up on the whole idea.

And BOOM, once I gave up on it, the universe introduced me to The One. 15 years later, two kids, many adventures, many dramas, some tough times, more in love than ever.

There is something powerful in surrender as well.

gamayun · 21-11-2018, 05:14

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dan GB

And BOOM, once I gave up on it, the universe introduced me to The One. 15 years later, two kids, many adventures, many dramas, some tough times, more in love than ever.

There is something powerful in surrender as well.

Awww, sweet story! Since I always forget who has said what here, please pardon me for asking if you've already said, but does she and the kids also enjoy sailing?

I do agree with you and Ann that one has to be both open to a relationship and accepting of who the universe throws our way. I have been semi open to the idea, but first I need to get better at weeding out the narcissists and fun-loving heavy drinkers to which I seem to be initially attracted. A "self-aware" man would be the antidote to this, me thinks

Dan GB · 21-11-2018, 09:05

Quote:

Originally Posted by gamayun

Awww, sweet story! Since I always forget who has said what here, please pardon me for asking if you've already said, but does she and the kids also enjoy sailing?

I do agree with you and Ann that one has to be both open to a relationship and accepting of who the universe throws our way. I have been semi open to the idea, but first I need to get better at weeding out the narcissists and fun-loving heavy drinkers to which I seem to be initially attracted. A "self-aware" man would be the antidote to this, me thinks

Alas, while she accepts my commitment to sailing, she is honest and equally committed to not do what doesn't float her boat. She will do little fair weather trips but the idea of long term cruising or blue water is not for her. My boys (ten and 13) like the idea of sailing during and after, but not before. "Do we really have to? Dad..."

As long as I am not disingenuous about it, and try to force my passion onto them, I think it will work out somehow. My plan, such as it is, is to cruise in 4-6 week hops as often as I can negotiate, and slowly circumnavigate that way.

Obviously not realistic in any way but what can you do?

rickster1965 · 21-11-2018, 09:46

Awesome story my friend! My turn...lol? Nevermind, I'm good where I'm at...lol I already scared one wife away because of my love for sailing and the water...lol

gamayun · 22-11-2018, 07:35

Quote:

Originally Posted by john61ct

At the search for such a unicorn.

https://youtu.be/US2nyRgg-SY

Settle for house-trained?

Oh, to reach that unreachable star....perhaps there have been too many romantic novels and movies where everyone falls happily into each other's arms forever in love that have doomed the rest of us!

gamayun · 22-11-2018, 07:39

Quote:

Originally Posted by rickster1965

Awesome story my friend! My turn...lol? Nevermind, I'm good where I'm at...lol I already scared one wife away because of my love for sailing and the water...lol

Welcome to CF, Rickster! I see you've been lurking for a couple of years but haven't posted much yet. Be careful about getting involved in this thread, which I see is going on three years now. It'll take over your life and start to define you

john61ct · 06-12-2018, 09:56

Quote:

Originally Posted by gamayun

I need my man to be a fully self-aware and independently functioning adult. Now how hard can that be?

Relevant post came my way, curious how that first longread article linked resonates with the women here?

> Finding another person to love is finding another person to lose http://www.metafilter.com/178035/Fin...person-to-lose

I found the resulting discussion both hilarious and depressing at the same time.

piloto · 07-12-2018, 17:12

Quote:

Originally Posted by gamayun

Ha, ha, yeah. You joke but I see relationships all the time like this. I need my man to be a fully self-aware and independently functioning adult. Now how hard can that be?

I read that metafilter thing and, yes it was a bit depressing. I think that there is so much dissatisfaction reflected in peoples attitudes that it becomes a distraction to becoming self aware as opposed to self absorbed. As lost as people migh feel about their aloneness, it tends to be reflected in the results they encounter when they entertain the idea of not being alone and open themselves up to being receptive or even seeking companionship. All of their reservations and past experiences contribute to what they draw closer to themselves. More simply put, whatever someone feels about another is generally what the other person senses and feels about them. Our society has become a shopping market with two dimensional "products" available for sampling. The old stumble and bumble method doesn't hold water anymore, cause we can go online and search through the profile aisle, choosing photos and portrayals over the substance of interaction. I guess I kinda liked the old way where you might find someone that you felt a connection with and attraction for because you ended up sharing similar experiences and backgrounds or beliefs and this might lead to some form of compatibility and intimate connection. We are creatures of touch and warmth, best shared when able or withheld when not. That is if you were self aware and independently functioning to begin with. Many people can't stand the sound (or silence) of their own thoughts.

john61ct · 08-12-2018, 04:31

Modern daily life is not so conducive to just stumbling upon a compatible partner in the offline world.

It takes a lot of conscious effort to physically get out there put yourself in a context where you're meeting lots of new people.

I'd find it exhausting, in fact can't imagine it being worth the effort to go about it that way.

So it's a real comfort to know I can make do without. Sure there are disadvantages, but we all get to make our own decisions in that arena.

Really, shared co-housing would go a long way to reducing the downsides. Building or finding & joining a real community needs to be an explicit goal, takes a heck of a lot of work in our current society.

Being completely isolated is the default state it seems.

**boatman61** · 08-12-2018, 05:29

How can this thread claim to be an honest look..
Most posting are not truly Single..
Methinks theres more single Lurkers not posting..

Blue Crab · 08-12-2018, 06:52

Quote:

Originally Posted by boatman61

How can this thread claim to be an honest look..
Most posting are not truly Single..
Methinks theres more single Lurkers not posting..

Tell me about it, I'm still available! Gals, single guy, 77, not too bad considering. Seeks non-self aware babe under 40 with a good job and nice home on a quiet canal with 5' draft at low tide. Couple of small tattoos ok. Send pics of quiet canal.