Wife is Close to Axing Cruising Dreams

[NorthernSeaWolf]

Originally Posted by Ann T. Cate

How does he know he doesn't want to live on a boat? Is he unwilling to even try it? If so, I guess you have to decide *something*.

Godforsaken sounds like a looong way from the seas of BC.

He's actually quite funny... he won't do more than a few days, and he is constantly showing me Megalodon, Sea Creature and rogue wave videos on YouTube. Circumnavigation? No way - too many pirates! (routes that avoid pirates have those other scary things mentioned)

What do we have to decide? We are happy, we love each others company, I'm not going anywhere for a few years... I take off to the Great Lakes and the west coast to get me through...so we just enjoy today without labels.

YES - Godforsaken is too far from the San Juan, Gulf Islands, Sunshine Coast, Desolation Sound...Haida Gwaii - okay, I'm officially homesick.

[tryrsh]

Originally Posted by NorthernSeaWolf

He's actually quite funny... he won't do more than a few days, and he is constantly showing me Megalodon, Sea Creature and rogue wave videos on YouTube. Circumnavigation? No way - too many pirates! (routes that avoid pirates have those other scary things mentioned)

What do we have to decide? We are happy, we love each others company, I'm not going anywhere for a few years... I take off to the Great Lakes and the west coast to get me through...so we just enjoy today without labels.

YES - Godforsaken is too far from the San Juan, Gulf Islands, Sunshine Coast, Desolation Sound...Haida Gwaii - okay, I'm officially homesick.

He sounds like somebody who is bound and determined to die in a nursing home after loosing his mind to dementia and burying most of his friends and family. Ugh, no way! Not that I have a death wish (far from it) but if the day comes I end up in a nursing home I at least want some great memories and stories to tell!

All in all I'd say you have a healthy attitude about this relationship. Time and time again I've seen people settle and they are never happy. I'm a believer that a healthy relationship requires compromise, however that does not mean you compromise on the person you get into the relationship with.


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[NorthernSeaWolf]

Originally Posted by tryrsh

He sounds like somebody who is bound and determined to die in a nursing home after loosing his mind to dementia and burying most of his friends and family.

No way, he's too antisocial and the poor guy has already buried most of his family. I think he is genuinely freaked out by open water. His motorcycle is my sailboat - and that's okay. If dementia sets in, I can always strap his bike to a raft and tow him behind the boat... he won't notice a thing.

You're right, there needs to be compromise. I'm also a believer that suffering of any type comes from excessive attachment, and that love should come with the offer of freewill. If we can remember to not grasp with such clinging force, we might just sail through our storms without sinking, and enjoy a little more happiness.

[tryrsh]

Originally Posted by NorthernSeaWolf

No way, he's too antisocial and the poor guy has already buried most of his family. I think he is genuinely freaked out by open water. His motorcycle is my sailboat - and that's okay. If dementia sets in, I can always strap his bike to a raft and tow him behind the boat... he won't notice a thing.

You're right, there needs to be compromise. I'm also a believer that suffering of any type comes from excessive attachment, and that love should come with the offer of freewill. If we can remember to not grasp with such clinging force, we might just sail through our storms without sinking, and enjoy a little more happiness.

"Suffering of any type comes from excessive attachment if we can remember to not grasp with such clinging force we might just sail through our storms without sinking " that's profound! I've been mulling it over... Really don't have anything to add except thank you. I'm going to save these words with the rest of my favorite quotes.... And someday when the moment is right I'll share these words with my girlfriend... Which of course will not register with her and do absolutely no good


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[NorthernSeaWolf]

Originally Posted by tryrsh

that's profound! I'm going to save these words .... And someday when the moment is right I'll share these words with my girlfriend... Which of course will not register with her and do absolutely no good

If it won't register, then aren't you compromising on a daily basis?

You say profound, most Indiana locals say weird. I often find myself thinking about the interconnectedness and profound complexities of the universe. The galaxies, solar system, the wonders of quantum physics... and then I ask myself, "why do men have nipples?"

[tryrsh]

Originally Posted by NorthernSeaWolf

If it won't register, then aren't you compromising on a daily basis?

You say profound, most Indiana locals say weird. I often find myself thinking about the interconnectedness and profound complexities of the universe. The galaxies, solar system, the wonders of quantum physics... and then I ask myself, "why do men have nipples?"

Compromise daily... Sure but compromise is part of any human relationship. The big compromise, the one that is relevant is compromising on the wrong partner in the first place. And that is the real challenge. Time and time again we read on here of those who's dream will die because of the compromise of an incompatible partner. "There but for the grace of God go I" I won't make that compromise.

Yeah most Indiana locals say weird... Like, it's "weird" you float around in a small plastic boat on an ocean full of Pirates, they will get you! You see most "Indiana locals" have seen Pirates of the Caribbean (some more then once) and they know that ocean is full of them! I find nothing profound about the observations of most Indiana locals

The most simplistic explanation for men having nipples I can come up with on short notice is God, took a short cut... But I'm really know expert in matters of God or the relations of men and women. So I come seeking knowledge on an online cruising forum... Misguided...perhaps


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[NorthernSeaWolf]

Originally Posted by tryrsh

Time and time again we read on here of those who's dream will die because of the compromise of an incompatible partner.

You can't always control who walks into your life, but you can control which window you throw them out of.

[goat]

Originally Posted by NorthernSeaWolf

YES - Godforsaken is too far from the San Juan, Gulf Islands, Sunshine Coast, Desolation Sound...Haida Gwaii - okay, I'm officially homesick.

I know that feeling. Grew up sailing on the Douglas channel and been to Haida Gwaii numerous times. My last boat was moored in Nanaimo, and I sailed the hell out of the Georgia strait. Now I'm living in Howdidienduphere Alberta. If I didn't have a boat in California, and a plan, I think I'd just shrivel up and die.

Best of luck,
goat

[NorthernSeaWolf]

Originally Posted by goat

I know that feeling. Grew up sailing on the Douglas channel and been to Haida Gwaii numerous times. My last boat was moored in Nanaimo, and I sailed the hell out of the Georgia strait. Now I'm living in Howdidienduphere Alberta. If I didn't have a boat in California, and a plan, I think I'd just shrivel up and die.

People like us need a long-term plan, and an occasional short-term out. I miss everything about coastal BC. So, despite years of anecdotal proof that confirms I'm the dumbest smart kid I know, at least I realize this thing I'm doing in Indiana can't be long-term.

Good luck to you too!

[Ex-Calif]

Originally Posted by tryrsh

C

The most simplistic explanation for men having nipples I can come up with on short notice is God, took a short cut... But I'm really know expert in matters of God or the relations of men and women. So I come seeking knowledge on an online cruising forum... Misguided...perhaps

According to this article you are mostly right. Not so much a shortcut as using a "human" mold and then customizing for the intended purpose. Cheaper production costs...

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2014...n_5532506.html

Related to topic, I don't think anyone "can" axe anyone else's dreams.

The hardest thing to do is to end a relationship when the life plans don't match. But it is still a choice of the parties to remain.

There are a bazillion dynamics in every relationship and no solution from the internet is going to work in any specific situation, but...

If there is no communication or if the communication is not honest, there is going to be trouble.

My first marriage lasted 3 months. We had been dating for 2 years. I was talking about going overseas and living an "expat" life. She was "all in" - then we got married, then she started showing me houses 2 blocks from her mom's house. Then the job offer came in - I had applied before the wedding. Then she basically said, "You are crazy. I'm not going to the Philippines."

I moved out and the rest is "history." I don't blame her - we really weren't listening to each other.

I may be cynical but I think the whole marriage paradigm has outlived its usefulness... I see many young kids not getting married in order to maintain their independence and I say, "Good on them!"

You also see a lot of silver hairs hooking up and living together unmarried.

[tryrsh]

Originally Posted by NorthernSeaWolf

People like us need a long-term plan, and an occasional short-term out. I miss everything about coastal BC. So, despite years of anecdotal proof that confirms I'm the dumbest smart kid I know, at least I realize this thing I'm doing in Indiana can't be long-term.

Good luck to you too!

Thread drift alert!

Got a chuckle out of this... So your stuck in a corn field in "godforsaken Indiana" That amuses me... And be nice to my corn... It bough me a nice boat. And this fall when it's gone from the field I'll be gone to the boat it bought me. So see, when you think of corn as boat bucks it's really not so bad!


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[exMaggieDrum]

Originally Posted by thinwater

I don't know about your financial position, but there are answers if it is a passion. Dreams come and go.

• Painting the house costs only paint and materials. You do it yourself. What other contractor costs can you cut?
• Same on the boat. Only materials. You may have a lot of learning to do.
• Additional income? I have some side work that is earmarked for the boat. Since that pays all boat expenses, from a separate account, there are no discussions.
• Cheaper marina? Fancy doesn't count for much, for me. It counts for nothing if money's tight.

If this seems like too much, then it is a wish, but not yet a passion. You decide.

I don't know about the wife either. But the above path should eliminate one source of conflict.

Doing your own work can save a "boatload" of money but doing it wrong could cost you more than that. I didn't know anything about boats when we bought one. I got a job at a boatyard (I was fortunate that my SO funded this less than lucrative move considering we had a major black hole called S/V Maggie Drum). I learned enough to do most anything except a major engine rebuild. I found out just how complicated boats can be and hard it is to just even understand what problems there are not even considering how hard some are to fix. Many things are easy but many are not.

I did end up fixing way too many problems that had been "owner-ized" though (overloading circuits, undersizing alternators, improper wiring, etc. etc.). Way too many boat owners take on projects that they have no business doing. Some of the fixes have been actually dangerous, others just costly to repair. But - the best way to save is to do your own work up to your knowledge and the seriousness of the project. Bad cosmetic fixes are in a different ballpark than bad electrical or propane fixes or upgrades. Don't be afraid to take on stuff, just do your homework and be able to know when to get a more knowledgeable person to help.

[Vasco]

Originally Posted by SkiprJohn

I wonder if there are more single cruisers than married cruisers?

Anyone doing polls?

.

I think the ratio of singles to couples must be 3:100. This is from observation, mostly in the Bahamas. Of course the next season it's a new batch. God knows how many of the couples remain together after the first cruise to the Bahamas especially in a season with lots of fronts. And usually, if they separate, the boat gets sold too! If the couple breaks up, the boat usually goes. If they don't break up they stop cruising. Very few single cruisers start out as a couple. But I do know one couple where both were singlehanders to start with.

[Ex-Calif]

Originally Posted by Vasco

I think the ratio of singles to couples must be 3:100. This is from observation, mostly in the Bahamas. Of course the next season it's a new batch. God knows how many of the couples remain together after the first cruise to the Bahamas especially in a season with lots of fronts. And usually, if they separate, the boat gets sold too! If the couple breaks up, the boat usually goes. If they don't break up they stop cruising. Very few single cruisers start out as a couple. But I do know one couple where both were singlehanders to start with.

The long-term couples that share a passion for the sea are truly blessed. They offer relationship advice from a place of "success" and sometimes criticize some of our singles as not being suitable relationship material.

The reality is, finding a land partner just based on people's personalities and differences is hard enough. Add the notion of living on a boat and the pool of partners is extremely small.

It's interesting advice to offer, "Just hang out in a marina and prince(ess) charming will be along shortly."

Probably riding on a unicorn...

[JPA Cate]

Hello everyone,

IMO, it is a big ask of a landlubber woman to give up everything she knows and likes to follow someone else's dream. She may have different dreams of her own. As Ex-Calif. wrote, those of us who enjoy it long term are in some ways really different from our sisters, and as he suggests, may be poor examples.

The "womanly" woman who wants solely to caretake her man is pretty rare now. So you guys are stuck with women who have partaken of women's lib, and they don't want to be dictated to. So, yes, you will have some challenges to get a partner who will buy into your dream, and you may have to offer some quid pro quo to make it all work.

Yesterday, jsailjt posted quite a long post on another thread, describing in great detail how he works with his wife to bring her along. IMO, his approach is the only one that has a chance of working.

Ann