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Old 09-10-2021, 07:46   #1
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I love living on our boat, my husband hates it.

We’ve been together for 20 years, lived onboard for 5, bought a house 2 years ago and I hate living on land. All of it.
My husband says he doesn’t want to live on a boat full time until he doesn’t have to work anymore ( 20+ years )
I feel like that might be too late. I love living on the boat, even though life is harder, I’m so comfortable in this space. Makes me happy. I don’t know what to do. Do I give up on living on the boat until we retire and hope I live that long and am good enough health to live and sail.
Meh.
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Old 09-10-2021, 07:57   #2
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Re: I love living on our boat, my husband hates it.

Welcome aboard Farawaysailor! You say you've been living aboard for 5 years and now he wants to move ashore? Does that mean selling the boat? Would he settle for a condo and keep the boat? Maybe he craves some work space or a garage (I can see that!) How about a storage unit to keep extras or tools and stuff?
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Old 09-10-2021, 08:12   #3
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Re: I love living on our boat, my husband hates it.

What are his specific complaints?

After a lifetime on boats, I often feel the same way he does and I’m currently still tying to sort out continuing on boats, or going for land life.
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Old 09-10-2021, 08:14   #4
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Re: I love living on our boat, my husband hates it.

Welcome.

It does not apply to this question but I would suggest updating your profile with your general location and your boat make & model in the "Boat" category. This info shows up under your UserName in every post in the web view. Many questions are boat and/or location dependent and having these tidbits under your UserName saves answering those questions repeatedly. If you need help setting up your profile then click on this link: https://www.cruisersforum.com/forums...ml#post3308797

I would happily help more if the link above is not enough.
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Old 09-10-2021, 08:15   #5
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pirate Re: I love living on our boat, my husband hates it.

Divorce him.. Mental cruelty..
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Old 09-10-2021, 08:19   #6
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Re: I love living on our boat, my husband hates it.

Greetings and welcome aboard the CF, Farawaysailor.
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Old 09-10-2021, 08:25   #7
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Re: I love living on our boat, my husband hates it.

Farawaysailor what if he lives on land say, half the year, and visits you weekends or whatever?
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Old 09-10-2021, 08:27   #8
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Re: I love living on our boat, my husband hates it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Farawaysailor View Post
We’ve been together for 20 years, lived onboard for 5, bought a house 2 years ago and I hate living on land. All of it.
My husband says he doesn’t want to live on a boat full time until he doesn’t have to work anymore ( 20+ years )
I feel like that might be too late. I love living on the boat, even though life is harder, I’m so comfortable in this space. Makes me happy. I don’t know what to do. Do I give up on living on the boat until we retire and hope I live that long and am good enough health to live and sail.
Meh.
Change husband.
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Old 09-10-2021, 08:28   #9
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Re: I love living on our boat, my husband hates it.

Live on the boat now. 20 years is a long way off and you may not be as able as you are now. I had friends who said they were going cruising when they retired. None did as they were too old by then.
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Old 09-10-2021, 08:39   #10
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Re: I love living on our boat, my husband hates it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Farawaysailor View Post
We’ve been together for 20 years, lived onboard for 5, bought a house 2 years ago and I hate living on land. All of it.
My husband says he doesn’t want to live on a boat full time until he doesn’t have to work anymore ( 20+ years )
I feel like that might be too late. I love living on the boat, even though life is harder, I’m so comfortable in this space. Makes me happy. I don’t know what to do. Do I give up on living on the boat until we retire and hope I live that long and am good enough health to live and sail.
Meh.

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Old 09-10-2021, 08:42   #11
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Re: I love living on our boat, my husband hates it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Farawaysailor View Post
We’ve been together for 20 years, lived onboard for 5, bought a house 2 years ago and I hate living on land. All of it.
My husband says he doesn’t want to live on a boat full time until he doesn’t have to work anymore ( 20+ years )
I feel like that might be too late. I love living on the boat, even though life is harder, I’m so comfortable in this space. Makes me happy. I don’t know what to do. Do I give up on living on the boat until we retire and hope I live that long and am good enough health to live and sail.
Meh.
After 40 years of professional experience working with couples and training therapists and coaches, as well as personal experience of two divorces before I finally got it right, here's what I've learned-

First- For a committed relationship to work well over a lifetime each partner needs to be committed to what their partner needs and to their happiness.

So you need to focus on and commit to your husband's happiness and he needs to commit to and focus on yours. If ONE of you is doing this it doesn't work, if BOTH of you are doing this you are an unbeatable team.

Second, as an unbeatable team who is committed to your marriage and each other, you find The Third Option.

Dysfunctional couples have black/white thinking, it's either her way or his way, and if she gets her way he is missing out and vice versa. This is limited thinking, uncreative, and creates an adversarial relationship.

Nothing is black/white, the world is full of gray and there are always creative ways forward if you're looking for them, but you won't find them if you aren't looking for them. It will not work if the choice is between two unworkable options. Assume the Third Option is possible and find it or create it.

There are solvable problems and unsolvable problems, there are relationship deal-breakers that must be met and there are Wants that are changeable and while you might strongly want them, you don't "need" them and it would be tragic to break up a marriage over them. Figuring out the difference is key. Most marriages have unsolvable problems and can be very happy living with them if you let go of attachment to having it 100% your way. If you aren't willing to give and take you aren't cut out for marriage!

More about this in my book Radical Marriage if you're interested.
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Old 09-10-2021, 08:45   #12
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Re: I love living on our boat, my husband hates it.

DO NOT WAIT

I'm being forced off Flying Pig ("I'm" because I very much don't want to leave) because the admiral has the whimwhams after 15 years.

If you have the ability to cruise, financially, do it now. You may not have the ability to do so later.

On the other hand, if hubs has no interest in cruising, then it's just where and in what you live, a much lesser problem. I have no idea of the landside home, or what drives hubs there, but I very much 'get' your greater peace on the water. If it weren't for the constant maintenance and cost to do so, I'd happily live aboard.

But from the usual problem solver and owner-of-lotsa-tools fixer in the family, when I get off the boat, I never want to have a tool in my hand unless I'm helping someone else - and I don't want to get off the boat, but would in a heartbeat if staying involved no cruising (my current reality) but having to keep it cruise-worthy and dry. So, it looks as though I'm getting off the boat...

I feel your pain.
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Old 09-10-2021, 08:48   #13
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Re: I love living on our boat, my husband hates it.

Welcome to my world - well, not exactly, but close.

I waited 12 years to move aboard and there are many more days I love it than not. He on the other hand, not so much. He's a tool hoarder at heart and if there's no small barn to store stuff he's frustrated.

So, after 7 years of living aboard here's how we handle it.

We rent a storage space on land so he can buy more tools.

He also felt the weight of all the jobs on his shoulders, so I learned a lot of the "blue" jobs - I can change the oil, water and check the batteries, fill the day tank, paint, varnish, tune an outboard, etc. Take some of the pressure off him.

He goes back East twice a year for 3 months at a time so he can keep his business going and he lives on land and has a "normal" life. I spend the six months doing stuff I like that I would probably not do if he were here. I organize (all his tools, ahem) I do cosmetic work on the boat (currently learning reupholstery skills) well, you get the picture.

We find we like each other a heck of a lot more if we let ourselves be ourselves. He likes a lot of things about land life - more than I do for sure. As soon as we took the pressure off ourselves, the arguments stopped. Do we have a traditional marriage? Uhh, no. But we consciously decided to let the other be happy doing what makes them smile.

I don't know if some similar compromise will work for you but give it some thought. Oh, and this time he's been gone only two weeks and is looking at return flights - and he's started calling the boat "home" before now when he said "home" he meant our house on land. And there are some great reunions!!!

Good luck to you both, I hope you find your answer.
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Old 09-10-2021, 08:59   #14
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Re: I love living on our boat, my husband hates it.

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Originally Posted by boatman61 View Post
Divorce him.. Mental cruelty..

Ouch!
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Old 09-10-2021, 09:02   #15
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Re: I love living on our boat, my husband hates it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SV__Grace View Post

There are solvable problems and unsolvable problems, there are relationship deal-breakers that must be met and there are Wants that are changeable and while you might strongly want them, you don't "need" them and it would be tragic to break up a marriage over them. Figuring out the difference is key.
That advise is OK as far as it goes. But wait ... there's more.

I took my wife on a 2-week cruise in the FL keys, bareboat charter, to see if she liked cruising as much as I did. She wanted to steal the boat and keep going (well, mostly). So we decided to build a 39' Eldredge-McInnis cruising sloop. Had the hull done by a professional and took over from there. Went along well for a few months ... then she lost interest. Then she got unhappy. I ended up choosing her over the boat. It turned out to be a mistake (she took to firewater more than cruising). The marriage ended anyway and the boat never got built. I'm a pragmatist and I 'let it go'. But I believe I'd have done better to chose the boat in retrospect.
Marriage can be terrific and it can be horrible. But we each must decide for ourselves. Sure caving to your partners interests can be important -- obviously. But there's a limit to what each of us must give up. If it's too much ..... then don't back down. There are a few hundred thousand other partners out there. He's not the "only" one. So try to work it out but if it won't .... do what you must. Living in an unhappy marriage is the worst choice.
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