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boatman1 · 09-10-2021, 13:27

Nothing says that a couple cannot remain married/together and spend nights and days apart. Stay on the boat and visit each other

alansmith · 09-10-2021, 13:30

Red Head, thanks for posting up. I want to say it is one of the best posts I have read on CF in a long long time. Emotional intelligence in abundance...sanctity of marriage...."you be you and let me be me" (popular song lyric)

Your husband is a lucky man....and the stratagym has played out successfully.
Very few people have the skill set to settle such a problem down. God bless the two of you.

amfm · 09-10-2021, 13:41

Quote:

Originally Posted by Farawaysailor

We’ve been together for 20 years, lived onboard for 5, bought a house 2 years ago and I hate living on land. All of it.
My husband says he doesn’t want to live on a boat full time until he doesn’t have to work anymore ( 20+ years )
I feel like that might be too late. I love living on the boat, even though life is harder, I’m so comfortable in this space. Makes me happy. I don’t know what to do. Do I give up on living on the boat until we retire and hope I live that long and am good enough health to live and sail.
Meh.

do like we did spend weekends on it till he does retire good luck

Howard888 · 09-10-2021, 14:12

My wife and I bought a boat in 2003 to escape the Bush era. We ended up living aboard and home schooling the kids for five years while cruising to New Zealand where I grew up.
My wife learned to love the cruising lifestyle, but she never cared for the boat to be heeled over. Now the kids have grown and left "home" and I am ready to get back out on the water full time, this time with a Catalac catamaran to solve the heeling issue.
Our problem is that we have a business in New Zealand that we need to run over our Summer. We hope the solution will be to have Summers in the US sailing legs of the Great American Loop, followed by Summers in New Zealand running our backpacker hostel.
Perhaps we can mesh with a couple that want to spend winters cruising the G.A.L. while we are back to being land lubbers. This might save two marriages.

jclark500 · 09-10-2021, 14:38

Wife swap???

**Hudson Force** · 09-10-2021, 14:42

'seems like a choice has to be made. We were faced with a similar dilemma. After 45 years of enjoying living aboard and cruising, my wife lost her mobility to negotiate steps; getting on and off the boat; or being safe walking on the deck.
'sold the boat and took to the land. Sure, I miss the life aboard, but there's still possibilities for adventure and I thrill to see the bottles standing upright in the refrigerator. ...Adapt and choose to keep the adventure!

sail sfbay · 09-10-2021, 14:43

Welcome to the forum!!

Experienced a similar situation but in this case my wife wanted to buy a powerboat to live on after living on land for 35+ years, which we did. After 2 years she wanted to move back on land and buy a house, which we did. During all this time we had a sailboat and now a powerboat also for weekdays and long weekends so we never gave up boating. After 44+ years I found it is easier to compromise but we still have boating whenever we want.

SeanPatrick · 09-10-2021, 16:07

As others have said, the quote below is absolutely true in my opinion. My wife and I have been together for eighteen years, and we love each other more and get along better than ever before. Whenever we've had a major disagreement, I've asked myself: "Is this more important than our marriage?" The answer has always been "No." ... obviously.

You have to decide for yourself what's worth letting go and what's worth fighting for. Personal happiness is vitally important. You won't find it in someone else. But if you care deeply enough about another person, some compromises become easier to make.

Of course, any "relationship" is just that, not one person doing all the taking and no giving.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SV__Grace

Nothing is black/white, the world is full of gray and there are always creative ways forward if you're looking for them, but you won't find them if you aren't looking for them. It will not work if the choice is between two unworkable options. Assume the Third Option is possible and find it or create it.

There are solvable problems and unsolvable problems, there are relationship deal-breakers that must be met and there are Wants that are changeable and while you might strongly want them, you don't "need" them and it would be tragic to break up a marriage over them. Figuring out the difference is key. Most marriages have unsolvable problems and can be very happy living with them if you let go of attachment to having it 100% your way. If you aren't willing to give and take you aren't cut out for marriage!

tmccaffery · 09-10-2021, 17:08

Same situation, but reversed. However, in my case, every time I gave she took, but did not give back. Full-time cruising went to 50/50 cruising/ashore, but between hurricanes in the Bahamas and then the pandemic, we never spent more than 6 weeks aboard the boat. The next shoe to drop was "Your dream isn't my dream. I won't go sailing with you, but maybe you can find some guy friends to go cruising with." This is much easier said than done.

About a six weeks later she left to help with her sister's recovery from breast cancer. After being away from a month she called one morning to tersely tell me that she was filing for divorce. I loved her very much and her unilateral decision has hurt me deeply. But, sometimes the best you have to give is simply not good enough for the other person. What I have learned to accept is that the only person that has the right to determine whether whatever you have done is "good enough" is you.

Clivevon · 09-10-2021, 17:17

Yep. It does take two to tango. No matter how hard you try (been there, got the scars) you cannot tango on your own.

MJH · 09-10-2021, 17:23

Quote:

Originally Posted by Farawaysailor

We’ve been together for 20 years, lived onboard for 5, bought a house 2 years ago and I hate living on land. All of it.
My husband says he doesn’t want to live on a boat full time until he doesn’t have to work anymore ( 20+ years )
I feel like that might be too late. I love living on the boat, even though life is harder, I’m so comfortable in this space. Makes me happy. I don’t know what to do. Do I give up on living on the boat until we retire and hope I live that long and am good enough health to live and sail.
Meh.

You don't say what he dislikes about living onboard or what you dislike living on land. That would be interesting to hear defined.

Compromise for a start since you have both house and boat. If he has the standard M-F work schedule then you go to the boat on Friday after he leaves for work and he arrives after work for the weekend. If his job allows a 40 hour-four day week that's a plus. Agree on a test time period and go from there.

~ ~ _/) ~ ~ MJH

Chotu · 09-10-2021, 17:32

Quote:

Originally Posted by MJH

You don't say what he dislikes about living onboard or what you dislike living on land. That would be interesting to hear defined.

Compromise for a start since you have both house and boat. If he has the standard M-F work schedule then you go to the boat on Friday after he leaves for work and he arrives after work for the weekend. If his job allows a 40 hour-four day week that's a plus. Agree on a test time period and go from there.

~ ~ _/) ~ ~ MJH

Exactly. I almost feel like reposting my question. Not a word about the actual situation.