I love living on our boat, my husband hates it.

[P3sailor]

I've heard similar comments when friends say they're getting a divorce when the kids are out of the house. Not one has followed through with that one. Suddenly reality takes a front row seat!

[RiverRat37]

Originally Posted by P3sailor

I've heard similar comments when friends say they're getting a divorce when the kids are out of the house. Not one has followed through with that one. Suddenly reality takes a front row seat!

No, not so. Many have followed thru. And some didn't follow thru .... they got out before the kids were out of the house. It's not a one-size-fits-all.
Let's get back to cruising, eh?

[Lancerbye]

I loved living on the boat and my wife didn't, so she is living on land far away and I am living on the boat.

[David Ess]

Originally Posted by Lancerbye

I loved living on the boat and my wife didn't, so she is living on land far away and I am living on the boat.

Congrats, and likely with a younger , fresher model. I mean a fresher boat...I mean a younger model, I mean a younger boat........I mean a .........Oh, just forget it.

[KRK-8]

I'm in the same boat, except I'm in the planning stages. I've always wanted a liveaboard life. Being on, in or around water is a must-have for me. I grew up a water baby. My husband of 25 years grew up a land baby & only enjoys wading waters. So, on my own, I bought a trailer sailer for myself. I've enjoyed doing my own thing while he does his land stuff.

We are fairly close to full-time retirement (5 years), and I've spent the last 2 years planning for a land/water retirement life. After many, many discussions with my husband, we came up with a few compromised scenarios (all of which entail not living in the U.S. because it's just too expensive). Every option involves buying or renting some kind of liveable land structure, either waterfront or within 5 miles of a large body of water to accommodate a pocket cruiser sailboat. To make it all work & for both of us to be happy, we really need a home-base on land, however basic it may be. My husband, however, wouldn't mind living on a houseboat -- in addition to a sailboat for me. We love to travel - land, air & sea - but the hubby needs land to rest his head in between adventures.

For us, living basic so we can travel is our common denominator. Find your common denominator & go from there -- get creative! And have some fun with your husband when you're conjuring up your dream life together!

[captstu]

There are plenty of husbands with the same problem, maybe you could work out a swap.

[ArmyDaveNY]

I wish you the best of luck with this. SV Grace had some really good points, and in particular, this one: "If ONE of you is doing this it doesn't work, if BOTH of you are doing this you are an unbeatable team." She also talks about a third option and Redhead provides a great example of a third option.

Again, I wish you success and happiness with whatever route you choose.

[Clivevon]

Originally Posted by captstu

There are plenty of husbands with the same problem, maybe you could work out a swap.

Very sorely tempted to say something, but I am resisting that temptation, just to prove I can...

[Clivevon]

Originally Posted by SV__Grace

After 40 years of professional experience working with couples and training therapists and coaches, as well as personal experience of two divorces before I finally got it right, here's what I've learned-

First- For a committed relationship to work well over a lifetime each partner needs to be committed to what their partner needs and to their happiness.

So you need to focus on and commit to your husband's happiness and he needs to commit to and focus on yours. If ONE of you is doing this it doesn't work, if BOTH of you are doing this you are an unbeatable team.

Second, as an unbeatable team who is committed to your marriage and each other, you find The Third Option.

Dysfunctional couples have black/white thinking, it's either her way or his way, and if she gets her way he is missing out and vice versa. This is limited thinking, uncreative, and creates an adversarial relationship.

Nothing is black/white, the world is full of gray and there are always creative ways forward if you're looking for them, but you won't find them if you aren't looking for them. It will not work if the choice is between two unworkable options. Assume the Third Option is possible and find it or create it.

There are solvable problems and unsolvable problems, there are relationship deal-breakers that must be met and there are Wants that are changeable and while you might strongly want them, you don't "need" them and it would be tragic to break up a marriage over them. Figuring out the difference is key. Most marriages have unsolvable problems and can be very happy living with them if you let go of attachment to having it 100% your way. If you aren't willing to give and take you aren't cut out for marriage!

More about this in my book Radical Marriage if you're interested.

This is the wisest & most sensible thing I have seen in a very long while - maybe ever. Please listen to this person.

[warren5421]

I am a lot older than you. The way we handled it is living close to Lake Michigan with a trailer boat that I use in the summer and the wife gets the grandkid's fix. The winter months we live in a Florida condo with a 40' slip that I keep a sail boat for doing Caribian roaming. Sometimes the wife is with me sometimes in the condo and sometimes she is back in Indiana for the grandkids. When I do the Caribbean thing with out her I have a couple that sails with me she knows or a friend she knows. It works for me and her, maybe not for you. By the way we are both 76 and this lets me be safe sailing when she isn't with me.

[MicHughV]

the Magellan, if that is what you have, is not a very big boat....a solution would be to get a bigger, roomier boat.

[Clivevon]

I have had the same problem - in reverse. I love sailing - my wife tried it for quite a while but found that she hated it. It was the single largest issue between us - by a mountain higher than anything else - in fact I dont think there is anything else. Divorce has been mentioned long ago - but I have done that twice already (not hard to do in 58 years of married life - I started young) & she is the love of my life. So we have found that third way instead. Compromise. 31 years together now & still counting. I go sailing now, at weekends & on shorter trips with other people, maximum 9 days, totalling about 50 days a year all in - no long term living aboard, in fact she doesn't get on the boat at all these days. She has other interests - family, ladies clubs, art & theatre groups & the like, while I am away, & we are in touch every morning & every night. She does not begrudge my time away, or what the boat costs - she knows how important it is to me. It is always good to get back home.

For me, the things to understand were these: I never did decide to love sailing - it gradually happened to me over time, bit by bit. Likewise, she never decided NOT to love sailing - it just happened. It is not reasonable to expect someone you love to do something they hate just because you love it. Mountain climbers dont insist their wives (or husbands) tag along, do they?

So your situation does not have to be a dealbreaker for you or your husband. If you want to, you can & will find that third way that keeps you both happy & together - even while apart. But you gotta wanna...

[Moosemiester]

While this isn’t a relationship advice forum… I stayed in a bad marriage too long. Now I’m single, happy, and me and the dog are leaving in the Spring to cruise until I’m too old to do it.

Choosing the boat over her was the best thing I ever did.

YMMV

[Deep Blue Water]

If there's no ready solution between the two of you as exampled by the other posters, and your love of the sea is as strong as you suspect, then perhaps being single is the best path. I'm not an advocate of breaking up. After all is said and done, you need to be happy

[Scorpius]

I've been in this situation. My partner and I went offshore for four years in the early 1990's. We both remember it as the best four years of our life. When we got back we both resumed our careers. We kept the boat. After a few years I got the serious itch to go cruising again (we could afford it). She had a great job (university lecturer) and we had a wonderful, albeit small, home near the university. After waiting a few years, and me going crazy wanting to get going again, and her not, we split - alhough we're still good friends and see each other socially often. Since then I've been able to do a lot of sailing although I've not made it offshore again - at least not on my own boat.

Life is a series of priorities and choices. After much soul-searching you etermine what is REALLY important to you and make those your prioritised. Then, as you go through life, hopefully you can make your choices consistent with those priorities. If not, it's back to the soul-searching.

As has been pointed out earlier in this thread, if you and your partner can at least partially align your priorities, great. If not perhaps it's time to consider other alternatives.

I really like the idea of having a storage area or workshop (to satisfy your husband's needs) near your boat. It's something that's easy to do around here - but maybe not so easy near you.

Good luck. Sticky situation - but NOBODY should live in misery.