The Joke Thread

[MarkJ]

This photo taken in Grenada yesterday.

[James Baines]

Originally Posted by MarkJ

This photo taken in Grenada yesterday.

We saw one a few years ago in S. Carolina, it said:
“Worms, Maggots, Hot Dogs and Cold Beer”.
Suddenly, we weren’t that hungry anymore…James

[GordMay]

You can't get there from here.

[lookoutnw]

Originally Posted by GordMay

You can't get there from here.

AAEE UH, Nottoo Millinocket fer shuruh, can't get the accent right. Grew up Down-east a bit. Took me a long time to find my 'R's and loose the accent.

[Aussiesuede]

3 ducks got into trouble and were summoned to court.

The judge asked the first duck to stand up and state his name.

The duck said: "My name is Quack".
The judge asked: "Why are you here?
The duck replied: "Because I got caught blowing bubbles in the pond."
The judge said: "Ok, I sentence you to 6 months probation"

The judge then asked the second duck to stand up and state his name.

The duck said: "My name is Quack Quack".
The judge asked: "Why are you here?
The duck replied: "Because I got caught blowing bubbles in the pond too."
The judge said: "Ok, I sentence you to the same - 6 months probation"

The judge then asked the third duck to stand and said: "Don't tell me, your name is Quack Quack Quack?
?
?
?
?
?

The third duck replied: "No, my name is Bubbles"

[Pelagic]

Larry Is In The Hospital . . . ....

Who in the hell is Larry?

Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?" Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo"? she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking"? she said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is in the Hospital, Critical Care Unit,

[S/V Antares]

I hope this was not posted before, I can't stay up long enough to read back that far!

Wife’s Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:
Boat wouldn't start. Can't figure it out.

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by S/V Antares

I hope this was not posted before, I can't stay up long enough to read back that far!

Wife’s Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:
Boat wouldn't start. Can't figure it out.

If ones love can't get you up and running, then it's time for moments of a muzzle.

[Blue Stocking]

--so the penguin says to the bartender " I AM casually dressed"

[captainKJ]

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.”

“No, no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.“

[Pelagic]

The Obedient Italian Wife!

There was an Italian immigrant man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his Italian wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there dressed in black (what else), and her best friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"


She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertaker locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."


The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm an Italian Catholic and I cannot go back on my word. I promised him I was going to put that money in the casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him??"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

[Capt Phil]

A teacher explains to her fourth grade class that humans are the only animals in the world that stuttered.
A little girl raises her hand and says, 'I had a kitty that stuttered'.
The teacher, knowing how precious these stories from little ones could become, asks the girl to describe the incident.
'Well,' replied the little girl, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and before we knew it, the rotweiller that lives next door got a running start and jumped right over the fence in to our yard'.
'That must have been really scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was!' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised the fur on her back and said Fffff...Fffff...Fffff...' 'But before she could say 'F*ck Off, the rotweiller ate her'.
The teacher had to leave the room.

[Kapena]

Joe walks into his favorite bar and shouts to the bartender " I'm buying a drink for every one here". The bartender replies " Joe, whats come over you? I've never known you to buy any man a drink and tonight you're buying for the whole house".
"I was walking along the train tracks last night" says Joe. "I come across a woman tied to the rails, just like in the movies! Well, I cut her loose, took her home and we made love all night long. Every position you can think of! It was the best sex I ever had."
"That's terrific" says the bartender. "Was she pretty?"
"I don't know" says Joe. "I never found her head".

[lookoutnw]

Not a joke but, The last joke remnds me of something.
There was a resturaunt in Orono Maine many years ago if my memory serves me right, which it usually doesn't. The name was 'The Silent Woman'. It had a statue of a woman in 'pilgram' garb in front, but she didn't have a head.
This was 30+ years ago. I heard theat teh POitically Correct / (ID 10 Ts) made tehm take down the statue. Sad world...

[justlearnin]

Originally Posted by Bill Burgette

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
'

Bill dude your not paying attention in the streets and especially WALMART. It's happening bud and a lot of even scarier stuff.