The Joke Thread

[Pelagic]

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well,
So he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

[Golden Wattle]

Originally Posted by Pelagic

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well,
So he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

Brilliant.....

[T1 Terry]

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.

They get back to his place
and as he shows her around his
apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom
is completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom,
with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy
to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears.

She is impressed – a sensitive man at last!

They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,
after a while, she finds herself thinking,
'Oh my Goodness! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips..

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where they rip off each other's clothes…
…and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in
the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,
strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes,
and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

T1 Terry

[Pelagic]

Are you thinking of buying a boat? Not sure if it's a good and strong boat? Wonder how strong the hull is?
Don't know how to test it out before buying?

Click on link below.

Tough boats

[osirissail]

Great video clip. I think they might have gotten the idea from an old Jeff Foxworthy comedy routine. He does the "you know you're a redneck . . ." jokes. One of his routines I have on CD is about his father who was stopped by the highway patrol while returning home from a fishing trip. The officer and the father go through some one liner jokes and get to the point of asking about the fishing boat that they are towing behind the car. The officer says its okay to tow the boat but "they do require you use a boat trailer." "And please ask your buddies to get out of the boat . . ." It is a quite hilarious comedy routine along with a lot of other "redneck" jokes on the album.

[T1 Terry]

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First
Is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is
Boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by
Feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is
Attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because
Lions eat anything..

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South
American Bees.
As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees.. He grabs the spade and
Smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because
Lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.
He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with
Mushy Bees

T1 Terry

*Moderators note: for those of you not British
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mushy_peas

[Blue Stocking]

Old Perc Sane joke from National Fisherman publication, say, 40yrs ago.
City boy asks Maine boatbuilder "Is the oak you're steamin' the timbers out of, green?"
Old timer says" Birds was singin' in it yesterday"

[Capt Phil]

A nice calm, respectable lady walks into a pharmacy and looking the pharmacist straight in the eye says, 'I'd like to buy some cyanide'.
The pharmacists asks, 'What in the world do you want to buy cyanide for'?
The lady replies, 'I want to poison my husband'.
The pharmacists' eyes got big and he explains, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. You'll be arrested and I'll lose my license! Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide, period!'
The lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacists wife.
The pharmacist looks at the picture and says, 'You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

[boatman61]

Banned from Sainsbury's

Didn't like shopping there anyway.
Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me?
I told her NO !! . . . . . . I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me !!

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

[Blue Stocking]

ROFLMAO. Like Freddy Kruger your baaa aackkk >

[GordMay]

A Marine Drill Sergeant, known for his insensitivity and tough demeanor, during roll call one day ended his talk with, "Oh, by the way, Kowalski, your mother died last night."

A couple of weeks later, he told another troop in the same manner, "Don't bother calling home this week Johnson, your house burned down last night and killed your entire family."

Word of these incidents leaked to the Commanding Officer, who called in Sergeant Pyrczkovich and counseled him, instructing him to be a bit more sensitive to the men.

So, after receiving news of the death of Private Lazinsky's grandmother, he decided to try another ploy.
"Okay, men. Everyone whose grandmother is still alive, take one step forward.

Not so fast, Lazinsky....."

[Captnkev25]

Uh oh

[delmarrey]

Uh oh!


.

[GordMay]

Greetings and welcome aboard the CF, Captnkev25.

Thanks for sharing your experiences, Kev & Del.

[lookoutnw]

YOu know, it is great to poke fun and laugh like crazy at others mistakes and pictures of them screwing up royally. I ain't gonna tell how many times I have been thankful that no one had any picture devices handy in my life...
Now I dare some of you to show YOUR screwups. Or maybe that should be a new thread? Named : Jokes on Me? ...