The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[GordMay]

A man called the hotel manager:
He said "Come up quickly, I fought with my wife, and now she wants to throw herself out the window!"
The manager replied: "Sir this is a personal matter, and we can't get involved. I can call sec..."
The man interrupted "No! This is a maintenance issue.
The window won't open!".

[Montanan]

[Montanan]

Remember when air for filling your tires was free at gas stations, well now it cost $1.50. You know why?

Inflation.

[Montanan]

If you get lost in the forest find an opossum and follow it, you will soon be in the middle of a road.

[Montanan]

[Montanan]

[Montanan]

I was going to start a ride-hail service for senior citizens. I was going to call it Oldsmobile.

[Montanan]

Month 4

So how is that New Year's resolution coming along?

[JPA Cate]

...like expensive crystal thin stemmed wine glasses on a sailboat...

[GordMay]

There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car; and one day, two cars tried to cross over, from opposite directions, and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other.
One driver poked his head out of his window, and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"
The second guy rolled his window down, and yelled back - "I do!", and backed up his car.

Civil Engineer: Lets build a bridge!
Rude Engineer: F*%k you!

Q:What do you call a horse that's fallen of a bridge?
A: Dead.

Q: Why do authorities fear that the collapsed Francis Scott Key bridge, in Baltimore, was made with 'Mafia' concrete?
A: They're finding more bodies, than there were people missing.

Q: What do you call a green bat, that walks across a yellow bridge?
A: I don’t know, but at least, it isn’t a disrespectful/offensive post.

[Montanan]

Can't just have one.

[OutOfControl]

Two ladies were talking in heaven.

“Hi! my name is Janet, what is your name?”

“I'm Sherry. It's nice to meet you. Can I ask you how you died?”

“Sure, I froze to Death.”

“How horrible!” responded Sherry.

“It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

Sherry responded, “I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

Janet said, “So, what happened?”

She continued, “I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.

Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

Janet said, “Too bad you didn't look in the freezer... we'd both still be alive.”

[GordMay]

Originally Posted by OutOfControl

Two ladies were talking in heaven...
... Janet said, “Too bad you didn't look in the freezer... we'd both still be alive.”

I heard it a little differently:

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded, so he sits down with St Peter, and says:
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates, when a man arrives.

“Hi sir, welcome to heaven, hey new rules... you’re not allowed in unless you’ve had like a really bad day”

The man doesn’t pause before screaming:
“Bad day? A bad day! Let me tell you about my day. I have suspected my wife of cheating on me for a year now, and I decided to come home at lunch, and catch her in the act. So I go up to my apartment on the 10th floor and I nearly bust straight in. Anyway she’s lying on the couch, naked and screaming at me! I can’t find the guy anywhere, until I go outside on the balcony, and there’s this guy, naked, holding on to the balcony floor. And he’s screaming at me too! Well next thing I go into this rage... I just stomp on his hands, and he falls the ten storeys. But at the bottom these branches break his fall, and he starts to get up! He’s alive! So I grab the nearest thing, our fridge, and I haul it out onto the edge of the balcony, and lever it over the railing, sending it right at him. I don’t know what happened next though, cause I gave myself a heart attack while doing it!”

Peter nods “wow yeah that is rough. In ya come”. The next guy in line walks up, naked:

“Hey so yeah, new rules, you have to have had a bad day to get in”

“Well let me tell ya. I was home sick from work, and I just got out of the shower. Anyway I walked out onto my balcony of my fifteen floor apartment, to get some fresh air. A gust of wind whipped my towel off, and I reached out to grab it... but I ended up falling over the edge! Luckily, I managed to turn mid-air, and grab onto this balcony. So I am hanging there, screaming for someone to help me, when this god damn mad man comes running out, and starts stamping on my fingers! I then fall ten storeys, but I’m saved! All these branches, in these trees at the bottom, slowly break my fall. I was just getting my bearings, when I look up and a fridge is flying at my face”

Peter nods... perplexed... “wow. Yeah. Okay. That sounds rough, in ya go... next”:

This other guy walks up, and Peter says “same as the last two, you’ve had to have had a bad day to get in”.

The guy looks at him and goes:
“Okay. So imagine this. You’re naked inside a fridge”

[carstenb]

the gift of a sharp retort has sadly left us. Few people command the language as others in the past have done. Here's a gang of putdowns that are in a class by themselves



1. "He had delusions of adequacy. ” Walter Kerr
2. "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”- Winston Churchill
3. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. - Clarence Darrow
4. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
5. "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
6. "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.” - Moses Hadas
7. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” - Mark Twain
8. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” - Oscar Wilde
9. "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
10. "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.” - Winston Churchill, in response
11. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here” - Stephen Bishop
12. "He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” - John Bright
13. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.” - Irvin S. Cobb
14. "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” - Samuel Johnson
15. "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. - Paul Keating
16. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” - Forrest Tucker
17. "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” - Mark Twain
18. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” - Mae West
19. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” - Oscar Wilde
20. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.” - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
21. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music.” - Billy Wilder
22. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it.” - Groucho Marx
23. The exchange between Winston Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
24. "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
25. "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -- Jack E. Leonard
26. "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." -- Thomas Brackett Reed
27. "He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." -- James Reston (about Richard Nixon) —Robert L Truesdel

[Montanan]