The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[StuM]

Originally Posted by johnny AoB

If a chicken and a half
can lay an egg and half
in a day and a half,
how long does it take a grasshopper with a wooden leg
to kick all the seeds out of a dill pickle?

(Let me know if you figure it out)

Just in case anyone is having difficulty visualising this.
(Ok, I know - he's "poking", not "kicking" )

[johnny AoB]

The CEO of an industrial giant was planning on retiring and the board asked him to select his successor. There were three candidates, all equally qualified, the CFO, the chief engineer and the VP of sales. The CEO was stymied as to how to choose the right one. Finally, he decided that he would ask each one an ultimate question the answer which would determine his successor.

After explaining to each candidate what he was going to do, he invited them into his office one-by-one.

First, he invited the CFO and asked him very seriously “What is Pi?”
The CFO thought for a couple of seconds then responded “3.17”.
Without showing any emotion the CEO said “Thank you”. And the CFO left his office.

Next, came the Chief Engineer, and the CEO asked “What is Pi?”
A big smile came across his face as he answered “3.1415926535 8979323846 …”
Again the CEO thanked him and the Chief Engineer left.

Last the VP of Sales entered the office and the CEO asked “What is Pi?”
The VP leaned toward the CEO and in a low voice asked “What would you like it to be?”

[chrisr]

at last...the joke thread is back...hooray

saw this one and couldn't help but think of CF






cheers,

[belizesailor]

Originally Posted by Tayana42

Speaking of the increased cost of lumber, I just saw an ad for tooth picks prices by the board foot.

.....

[johnny AoB]

Two girl ostriches were strolling down a beach when they were spotted by two boy ostriches. One of the boy ostriches turned to the other and said “Let’s have some fun and chase the girl ostriches.” And so they did. As the girl ostriches giggled and ran down the beach they came to a cliff that jutted out into the sea. One girl ostrich said to the other “What do we do now?” The other girl ostrich said “Let’s hide.” and so they quickly dug a couple of holes in the sand and buried their heads. The boy ostriches came running up to the cliff and looking at each other said “where did they go?”

[OutOfControl]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.

Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

[Adelie]

Anticipating that someday this thread will also go off the rails badly be closed and wishing to avoid the next one being called “The Newest New Joke Thread” or some such mouth full of marbles I changed the thread name to include the year started. This also being my way of expressing my hope and expectation that this one will make it to the end of the year.

[goguygo]

I sold newspapers on the street when I was a youngster.

One of the bars I went in to sell papers had this sign on the wall...


Our Credit Manager is Helen Waite.
If you want credit, go to Helen Waite.

[GordMay]

[fgd3]

Originally Posted by Adelie

Anticipating that someday this thread will also go off the rails badly be closed and wishing to avoid the next one being called “The Newest New Joke Thread” or some such mouth full of marbles I changed the thread name to include the year started. This also being my way of expressing my hope and expectation that this one will make it to the end of the year.

A good idea but perhaps you should have included the month and day as well.

[Adelie]

Considered that but, as I said, expression of hope this version makes it to the end of the year.

[johnny AoB]

The Bird Of Your Dreams.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their order, the man orders, “ a hamburger, fries and a coke”, and turns to the ostrich……”what’s yours?” “I’ll have the same replies the ostrich.
Returning with the meals the waitress says,” that’ll be $9.50 please”…
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.
The next day, same thing, and for the following week the man and ostrich frequent and order the same meal…and each time the man produced the exact amount
For the bill.
Considering it routine, the waitress welcomes them the following week with
“the usual?”…
“No, this time it’s a treat, so I’ll have steak, baked potatoes and salad” says the man.
“Yep, the same”, says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “that will be $32.62 thankyou”
Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the counter…………
The waitress cannot hold back her curiousity any longer,
“Excuse me sir, how do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time???”
“Well”, says the man, “several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes…………..
My first wish was that if ever I had to pay for something, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That’s brilliant”, says the waitress, “most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right,” says the man, “ whether it’s a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount is always there!”
The waitress had to ask, “ But sir, what's with the ostrich….??”
The man sighs, pauses and sheepishly replies…………………………
…………..
……………
………….
………….
…………“My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long, long legs who would agree with everything I said…..”

[Jamme]

A new swabbie joins a pirates’ crew. He goes to the captain's quarters and meets the Pirate Captain. He's a grizzled man with a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch.

Swabbie: Ahoy Captain, it's looks like you've had quite the history.

Cpt: Aye, I've been sailing these seven seas since before ye were born.

Swabbie: May I ask how you lost your leg, Captain?

Cpt: Ah, was in the middle of a battle, we took a broadside and a cannon ball ripped me leg clean off, so I got this peg leg.

Swabbie: And may I ask how you lost your hand, Captain?

Cpt: Ah, I boarded a galleon and was sword fighting the buccaneers, and the bastards lopped me hand clean off, so I replaced it with this hook.

Swabbie: And may I ask how you lost your eye, Captain?

Cpt: Ah, a seagull pooped in me eye.

Swabbie: You were blinded by a seagull pooping in your eye?

Cpt: No, but ‘twas me first day with the hook.

[Eigenvector]

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.



The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'



'Why not, you asked me what was wrong in a crowded room and I told you,' he said.



The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'



The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?


There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.






The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice..
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'



'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

[Jamme]

Speaking of genitalia: a pirate limps into a bar with a squirrel hanging out of his pants holding a steering wheel. He says to the bartender, "Me squirrel is driving me nuts!"