Help! Trying to get the wife in the game.....

[hamburking]

This is quite a serious topic. Speaking from personal experience, if the wife does not enjoy sailing, and you go sailing without the wife, you may not have a wife to come back to.

On a totally unrelated topic...any single female sailors looking for experienced, recently single, male (54) crew on the great lakes this summer?...cause I'm available.

[robert sailor]

Originally Posted by geoleo

My dear wife --along with millions of others, including many men--also believes film actors are her imaginary 'friends'. otherwise she is highly intelligent.

It's sounds a bit different but millions of people believe in their personal imaginary friend who lives in the sky...it's all relative.

[daletournier]

A skipper staying calm and ensuring an environment of confidence, no yelling or anger goes along way to getting a woman to stay, alot of women that get on boats have very little understanding of the world they have just hopped on to, this can lead to fear and insecurity, having faith in a captain that has displayed confidence and calmness really helps them. The problem is often the captain at the start is learning as well and it can be very difficult for him not to show his frustration and fear which can often manifest into snappiness and anger. If the op can get a handle on this even if he has to " fake it till he makes it" it can make a difference.

A mistake I have made is not assigning enough responsibility, eg im trying to include crew or make them in charge of navigation, they need to be more than passengers, everyone needs purpose and to feel productive, useful.

The captain really needs to decide in advance if he wants to be responsible for his crews ( wife) happiness, if so then he really needs to ensure he runs the program at her pace not his, build confidence through small steps, this can be frustrating , but its the cost that may have to be paided. Thats a hard one for me, I got to a point in life where people have to step up, im not stepping down (not always), personal choice.

I personally think humor goes along way, I try to joke alot now when things aren't going my way.

The individual personalities involved ultimately determine the outcome, some people like home, the feeling of security and the routine of day to day life, some like change, unknown and generally want more. Its hard if you differ in these areas.

My partner is quite courageous, shes very much a homemaker family , routine woman but she also wants to experience more, this is the selling point, your going to die one day ,do you want the adventure of experiencing the world differently than most before this happens? She said yes.

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[robert sailor]

Back to the real topic for a minute.
Water soluble relationships are very common in the cruising world. Couples should really take these types of decisions very seriously. I think that there are 3 big variables involved, the relationship , living on the boat and sailing. The relationship has to be a very good one as living and sailing puts 2 people closer for longer than they have ever been. It will either strengthen the relationship or destroy it. There are times when you simply have no space to even avoid conflict so unless your relationship is an open one and a loving one I wouldn't even start because your chances of failure are very high. Imagine your typical couple that work spend maybe a few hours a day together and then more on weekends and with one foul swoop you are in each others face 24/7 every month, every year. You better be best friends.
Women enjoy making a new nest and adding all the things that give them pleasure its something that just comes natural. So that part is usually not that hard to find concensus. The tough part is getting enough room for all the spares,tools etc. plus the items she wants to have aboard. It's a smart move to really get your wife's buy in on the boat you are going to call home and that both of you share in how it's set up for cruising.
And finally the really tough part, the actual sailing. I won't bother going into how women should learn to sail but I do believe they should. It adds a huge amount of confidence and with that confidence the ability to continue to learn more and more. We all fear things we are ignorant of but once we have been exposed and begin to learn our confidence grows, the fears subside and we start to enjoy the activity. That plus the fact that if you do go overboard your wife knows what to do rather than continuing on without a clue and drag/drown you to death. (Yes it happened to a cruising couple ) Then we have offshore sailing and coastal sailing and believe me this is usually where the rubber meets the road. Picking a nice day and sailing to the next anchorage or marina is one thing but sailing 24 hours a day, never getting more than a few hours sleep at any given time and cooking while standing at an ever changing angle while dealing with whatever weather is thrown your way is another. If I had a dollar for all those folks who were going to get a boat and sail around the world but decided to cancel the whole plan I'd have quite a few bucks. In my experience it's often the woman that decides whether or not she's up for it so it's a real big step to go from the dream to the reality. The cruising areas like the Med, Caribbean and Mexico are all areas that can be day sailed with relative ease. I'd choose one of those areas as a cruising ground and stay with the short sails until you both have the knowledge and confidence to take the next step. Also not a bad idea to have a fall back position in case it doesn't work out, at least for the first couple of years.

[btexpres85]

We got back from our trip yesterday and had a really good time. I made a few small steps in the right direction (at least from my perspective and hopefully hers).
We did the snorkel excursion on a large tourist CAT from St. Thomas to St. John (Honeymoon beach) - the weather was great seemed like a 25 kt breeze (4+ ft seas) - motored directly into the wind there. While motoring I would point out various sailboats - some really nice mono and of course she picked out the CATs. We did see a moderate sized mono healed badly (too much canvas) which she commented on in a not so pleasant way. We sailed downwind on the way back under jib only. The female skipper graduated from the college my son is now attending (UMD); she spoke highly of her last 7 years working on the water (previously having had 0 experience; her degree was in Art) . Anyway as that trip and the rest of the week went on my wife would as a question about my cruising plan that seemed reasonable and as if she truly wanted to know more. Her curiosity sure seemed like a great sign to me. Also while on St. Kitts at Couch shell beach(?) i spotted a dinghy coming in from a 30+ foot boat. I chatted with the sailing couple - 3 years on the boat (40's male french and 30's female Chinese) from Turkey. They were on a Moody 34 and had previously spent the night at Nevis only a couple of miles away and were on their way to the US. I discussed there trip with my wife to show her the possibilities. She does worry about the kids having a place to return to while on college breaks (we have 2 sons 18 and 20 years old) or during holidays...This seems to be a sticking point i have found for many. I can compromise on this and sell the suburban house and all we have accumulated to downsize - to a more affordable place in the south. Thanks again for all the ideas and responses - for those local in MD I would love to meet up and sail in the future.

[daletournier]

As Ann and others have said, kids and specially grand kids are a real game changer. Ive seen the grand kid boat leaving thing play out many times, in fact the PO of my boat sold due to that. Often the guys want to keep going but the women want to play nanny....its a tough one if we want a couple to be a traditional style relationship, always together.


Sent from my vivo Y35 using Cruisers Sailing Forum mobile app

[Hudson Force]

Originally Posted by daletournier

As Ann and others have said, kids and specially grand kids are a real game changer. Ive seen the grand kid boat leaving thing play out many times, .................

Ironically, we're moving off the boat after many years cruising and, while we're preparing to adapt to a home ashore, our Daughter's family, with our Grandson, are preparing to cruise away. 'all is good!

[Juho]

Happy sailing to all of you.

Originally Posted by btexpres85

We got back from our trip yesterday and had a really good time. I made a few small steps in the right direction (at least from my perspective and hopefully hers).
We did the snorkel excursion on a large tourist CAT from St. Thomas to St. John (Honeymoon beach) - the weather was great seemed like a 25 kt breeze (4+ ft seas) - motored directly into the wind there. While motoring I would point out various sailboats - some really nice mono and of course she picked out the CATs. We did see a moderate sized mono healed badly (too much canvas) which she commented on in a not so pleasant way. We sailed downwind on the way back under jib only. The female skipper graduated from the college my son is now attending (UMD); she spoke highly of her last 7 years working on the water (previously having had 0 experience; her degree was in Art) . Anyway as that trip and the rest of the week went on my wife would as a question about my cruising plan that seemed reasonable and as if she truly wanted to know more. Her curiosity sure seemed like a great sign to me. Also while on St. Kitts at Couch shell beach(?) i spotted a dinghy coming in from a 30+ foot boat. I chatted with the sailing couple - 3 years on the boat (40's male french and 30's female Chinese) from Turkey. They were on a Moody 34 and had previously spent the night at Nevis only a couple of miles away and were on their way to the US. I discussed there trip with my wife to show her the possibilities. She does worry about the kids having a place to return to while on college breaks (we have 2 sons 18 and 20 years old) or during holidays...This seems to be a sticking point i have found for many. I can compromise on this and sell the suburban house and all we have accumulated to downsize - to a more affordable place in the south. Thanks again for all the ideas and responses - for those local in MD I would love to meet up and sail in the future.

[meatservo]

Iv'e been recently racing with Women who owned the boat and was privileged to be their "bitch boy". I learned a lot, was invited back, cause' I didn't act like a dick. Then I have also been the co-pilot on contract trips with female captains. Every one a positive experience. Women Rock! I have never been threatened by female competence. I find it much more commonplace to work with men who are lazy, incompetent, and have a poor work ethic among the younger generation. Obviously this pretty much excludes anyone who ever wore a uniform for the U.S.A. or the U.K.

Like minorities who succeed, the bar is higher, and they set their personal standards much higher because of the perceived and actual discrimination.

meatservo

[JPA Cate]

Originally Posted by meatservo

Iv'e been recently racing with Women who owned the boat and was privileged to be their "bitch boy". I learned a lot, was invited back, cause' I didn't act like a dick. Then I have also been the co-pilot on contract trips with female captains. Every one a positive experience. Women Rock! I have never been threatened by female competence. I find it much more commonplace to work with men who are lazy, incompetent, and have a poor work ethic among the younger generation. Obviously this pretty much excludes anyone who ever wore a uniform for the U.S.A. or the U.K.

Like minorities who succeed, the bar is higher, and they set their personal standards much higher because of the perceived and actual discrimination.

meatservo

So, OP, you see where you need to go: invite your good lady to read this whole thread, and then, maybe contribute.

A.

[double u]

luckily women have führers like van der beek...("...threatened by female competence..." could be his prob)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihd7ofrwQX0

[rognvald]

Originally Posted by double u

luckily women have führers like van der beek...("...threatened by female competence..." could be his prob)

Pity the world if we didn't have amateur psychologists who attempt to define
the human condition with psycho-babble. Funny!

[Eggbah]

Oh btexpres85!! It sounds like all went well and that a cat is in your future. Isn't St. John just GORGEOUS!??! I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you and your wife. I have faith that she'll have a great time sailing the open seas with you

Originally Posted by btexpres85

We got back from our trip yesterday and had a really good time. I made a few small steps in the right direction (at least from my perspective and hopefully hers).
We did the snorkel excursion on a large tourist CAT from St. Thomas to St. John (Honeymoon beach) - the weather was great seemed like a 25 kt breeze (4+ ft seas) - motored directly into the wind there. While motoring I would point out various sailboats - some really nice mono and of course she picked out the CATs. We did see a moderate sized mono healed badly (too much canvas) which she commented on in a not so pleasant way. We sailed downwind on the way back under jib only. The female skipper graduated from the college my son is now attending (UMD); she spoke highly of her last 7 years working on the water (previously having had 0 experience; her degree was in Art) . Anyway as that trip and the rest of the week went on my wife would as a question about my cruising plan that seemed reasonable and as if she truly wanted to know more. Her curiosity sure seemed like a great sign to me. Also while on St. Kitts at Couch shell beach(?) i spotted a dinghy coming in from a 30+ foot boat. I chatted with the sailing couple - 3 years on the boat (40's male french and 30's female Chinese) from Turkey. They were on a Moody 34 and had previously spent the night at Nevis only a couple of miles away and were on their way to the US. I discussed there trip with my wife to show her the possibilities. She does worry about the kids having a place to return to while on college breaks (we have 2 sons 18 and 20 years old) or during holidays...This seems to be a sticking point i have found for many. I can compromise on this and sell the suburban house and all we have accumulated to downsize - to a more affordable place in the south. Thanks again for all the ideas and responses - for those local in MD I would love to meet up and sail in the future.