Challenge: Overcoming Major Hurdle to World Cruise: Convincing the Wife !

[tanksalot]

After 30 years of marriage I filled my long-standing passion for sailing 8 years ago by buying a 27 ft. sailboat. My wife "went along" with my passion, but her numerous (unjustified, in my opinion) fears dampened our enjoyment significantly. We used moorings for the last 7 years, but this year I conceded to getting dockage at her request.

The difference in her attitude is amazing!! She brings up "going down to the boat" more often than I do. Now, (especially after reading this thread) I realize that with the dock space we have another "home". Neighbors. Stability. Social chatter. None of these are my priorities, and there's the difference! I would prefer distant solo peaceful anchorages, mooring away from others and the adventure of going "where-ever". My wife needs a sense of security (although you're never REALLY totally safe), social interaction and a "home". The challenge is in accepting those differences and reaching mutually-agreeable compromises.

No, not easy.

Watch "Blink", a couple that meet sailing, get married, raise 2 kids aboard their 27 foot sailboat and circumnavigate Iceland. Good movie!!

[ConradG]

Daddle, that's my approach to some degree. I realize that I have the need to go although my girlfriend doesn't know if she really wants to do it. She has kids in school still so can't right now anyway. Mine are grown and at college and I am weeding out my stuff and selling my place and following the path that I must. I lived through living a life of chasing carrots for the future and although I could always say I was moving in "the right direction" I couldn't ever say I was doing what I wanted and enjoyd doing what I was doing. What makes you who you are? Are you who you want to be? I realize that for me to be who I am for her I have to do what I must. Ultimately she doesn't want to keep me from that as I don't want to keep her from doing what she must. The details will fall into place. Whatever they end up being. Having recently lost both parents I realize how short life really is. Have you done what you want to in this life? Are you doing what you need to? I just purchased my boat and will start work on her when she gets here. I can see having her in the water next year if all goes well, but "well" may change. Perhaps a year or two of "shakedown" cruising before I move aboard but that seems pretty silly at this point because I could just as easily be doing that as I go. I have become comfortable with uncertainty so long as I can answer yes to the question "are you doing what you want to?" This includes taking everything into consideration including my relationship with my girlfriend. I need to do this. It may turn out that she can join me at times or I can join her. It may turn out that she enjoys it. It may not. I may be able to be away from her. I may not. My hope is that she will enjoy the life and join me when she can eventually joining me for good.
Try looking at it a little differently. If she had something she needed to do, something that was defining her very essence, would you want to be in the way of her doing it? Even if it wasn't your cup of tea? I realize the hole you are in. I bet many of us are in that same hole. I certainly am. It isn't easy but also, it is. What can you do about it? I can pretend I don't have to go but the fact is, right now that's what I have to do. I hope and believe that we can be stronger for it.

[susan kennedy]

Did you know before you got married that you wanted to cruise the world and that she is not the adventurous type? If so, why get married? Did you feel you could change her?

[mintyspilot]

Originally Posted by susan kennedy

Did you feel you could change her?

Hmmm... surely that's what women do to their menfolk. First, dispose of all his disreputable friends, next change his behaviour and finally spend the next decade complaining about how he is no longer the man she married.....



(Ducks and runs for cover....................)


Seriously though, it is often said that you never know who you are marrying until you have been married for years. Sometimes people's psychology changes when they make such a big change in their lives.

My (then) girlfriend was very strong minded, very opinionated and very determined. Now, after decades of marriage and some kids she has "softened" and tells me to decide this or that or the other for the sorts of decisions that she would have made herself all those years ago. She has definitely changed and it is a relief in some ways and sad in others.

On the other hand, after decades of marriage we are very comfortable with each other and as long as we are together we will be happy. So when I suggested the madcap scheme of ditching everything and sailing off over the horizon she was not terribly bothered as long as we are together, the boat is comfortable and family and friends can find us and visit us.

Maybe all the original poster has to do is wait. The old proverb says that "Everything comes to he who waits". Maybe time will sort the whole thing out, one way of another.

[category4jay]

Originally Posted by susan kennedy

Did you know before you got married that you wanted to cruise the world and that she is not the adventurous type? If so, why get married? Did you feel you could change her?

susan susan please:
yes of course i knew before i got married that i wanted to cruise the world and so did she.
she WAS the adventurous type
why does anyone get married-love
of course i did not get married with the intent of changing her later. thats ridiculous-wouldnt have married her if she needed to be "changed"

Im telling ya everything changed after we got married and had kids shortly thereafter

[Stillraining]

I look in the mirror and I no longer recognise the reflection..Everything has changed..

I must need a new mirror...as I still feel the same inside...but I reckon that must have changed as well.

[Dockhead]

Originally Posted by category4jay

This is my first posting ever. Here goes. Any tips out there from the cruising world to help me "help" my wife consider a cruising life? I dont want to push my dream on her although she knows (for 25 years) its what ive always wanted to do. I've tried to show her through travel to exotic places, barefoot windjammer cruises, etc. that theres another part of this journey than concrete jungle work and raising kids (7 and 11) in a "safe suburban" environment but to no avail. She isnt budging guys. She is perfectly content with her comfortable, predictable life here in the desert as it exists. I need to pursue my lifelong dream-hopefully with her. I feel like im 50 going on 30 and she's 45 going on 60. No im not going thru a midlife crises. This has just been going on for many years now with no resolve. Anybony else gone thru this? Thanks guys.

Short answer: You're screwed.

Longer answer: Although there's not much you can do about it, there are a few things you can try. Gentle persuasian -- VERY gentle, and bribery are good places to start. Create the ideal conditions for her, if you can get her on board to try it out for a week or even a weekend at a time (NO lectures about water usage, you do all the cooking and cleaning, no bad weather, no long passages, etc., etc., etc.!). Sometimes they take to it. In any case, START SLOW -- don't try to push her into a full-fledged "cruising life"; that will end in divorce. Start with occasional sailing weekends or vacations, in ideal conditions.

You have the same problem many sailors do. I have it myself. I am still in an active phase of my career so can't sail for more than a couple of weeks at a time anyway, so we are not facing a decision about becoming liveaboards or anything like that. She will come with me from time to time for a week or two at a time, and she has started to like it to some extent. She's not much interested in it but she doesn't hate it (thank God she doesn't get seasick) and can be persuaded to devote vacations to it. But mostly I sail without her. She is understanding about that, for which I am very grateful, so all in all it's a more or less workable compromise at this point.

In marriage, obviously, there is a ton of give and take. Part of the "give" means not being able to fulfill every dream you have. It's sad but that's life. Your happiness is not yours alone anymore; you have to find ways to be happy together. If you have a more or less decent marriage, it's a lot more important than sailing. You may have to make sacrifices.


Do your kids sail? If you managed to get even one of them well bitten by the bug, that might help a lot. Make it into more of a whole family activity, which could help a lot to get her drawn into it.

One thing which worked for me -- I managed to get her best friend and her best friend's kids interested in sailing. So they love sailing vacations, and my wife gets naturally caught up in their enthusiasm.

Don't forget that old standby in marriage -- bribery. My wife is crazy about Italy. So next year the boat gets moved to Italy, although I have fairly little interest in cruising there and it's a fairly awkward place to get to for us. But it's very simple -- happy wife = happy you. If I can make her happy by showing her nooks and crannies of Italy -- from our boat -- then all I can say is -- yeah! I'd cruise in Hell, if it meant she would be with me and happy.

[mintyspilot]

Originally Posted by Dockhead

I'd cruise in Hell, if it meant she would be with me and happy.

Shortest and best answer of all.....

[Dockhead]

Originally Posted by Kordie

This is going to sound really shallow and probably offend several.

I was married to a woman who had no interest in anything I did. The world revolved around her - I later found she had Aspergers which made a lot of things fall into place.

After 17 years of marriage, the last five years where she studied medicine (an awful time for all of us around her as we all supported her wholeheartedly to achieve her dream), marriage that I thought was sacred and inviolable and I did all I could to keep her happy, she met a fellow at work who understood her and within a few weeks had left our daughters and me for him. She was so taken with him that she didn't even call her daughters for nearly three months. After 6 months she announced she was coming back to us but unfortunately I had found that our family was all much happier without her being cranky every evening so I surprised her by saying no.

Fast forward two years and I couldn't be happier. I realise that not all woman are unhappy unless they get what they want. Some are even quite selfless and often put their partner's happiness first

My message is that you need to draw a line. Don't suspend your life compromising your dreams to keep someone else happy. If this is your dream then tell her, invite her along but make sure you go.

If she is prepared to compromise then she will meet you at different places and even join you now and then. You can't expect her to uproot her life to do something against her will but conversely she can't expect you to abandon your dream just because she isn't interested.

If the marriage doesn't last then guess what. You will be busy sailing and meeting like minded people and I bet you will end up happier than ever.

Life isn't a dress rehearsal.

Apologies to all I offend with my flippant view of sacred matrimony.

Cheers,

Simon

It's not a flippant view, but it's not quite right IMHO.

There is no such thing as a worthwhile (I didn't even say good) marriage without a ton of compromise, including abandoned dreams. Good spouses will do their best to help each other achieve their dreams, but it is not always possible.

Not all spouses are good. Some of them are actually only living for themselves, don't actually care about your happiness, and may even be screwing around behind your back as in the above example.

But then you have completely different problems, which are a lot deeper than not getting to fulfill your dreams, like sailing. The wrong way to determine whether you have that situation, IMHO, would be to do what the poster suggests, and just say, screw it, I'm doing what I want to, and see what happens. You had better work out your larger issues first. If you end up alone, then it will be easier to do the things you want, but if you let that be the driving factor then the outcome may be wrong.

[zeehag]

really sorry but i cannot figure out how it is that men choose women who donot sail when they want to cruise ..lol....when there are many women who DO sail who are solo--lol--must be the men donot appreciate the strength women who do sail tend to possess..LOL....is soo needed--the frail ones are not sailors..lol...goood luck..i would rather sail solo than have the wrong mate on board .....go figger...

[susan kennedy]

Originally Posted by category4jay

susan susan please:
yes of course i knew before i got married that i wanted to cruise the world and so did she.
she WAS the adventurous type
why does anyone get married-love
of course i did not get married with the intent of changing her later. thats ridiculous-wouldnt have married her if she needed to be "changed"

Im telling ya everything changed after we got married and had kids shortly thereafter

oh hell, i'm so so sorry.

[ViribusUnitis]

Originally Posted by zeehag

really sorry but i cannot figure out how it is that men choose women who donot sail when they want to cruise ..lol....when there are many women who DO sail who are solo--lol--must be the men donot appreciate the strength women who do sail tend to possess..LOL....is soo needed--the frail ones are not sailors..lol...goood luck..i would rather sail solo than have the wrong mate on board .....go figger...

It's hardly that simple.

I've always had a restless soul. My wife knew this. My wife always wants to nest. I knew that.

Knowing, and understanding are totaly diffrent. I knew she needed to nest, but I had no idea to what degree. My wife knew I had a restless soul, but no idea to what degree. And there was fuctionaly no way to know without getting married, taking the plunge, and then seeing what happen.

You can never know what it's like to be married, untill you are. Living together doesn't even come close. There is a range of issues, from in-laws, to finances, to what color are the walls in the bedroom that don't seem that important untill your married. And then, the walls come crushing down.

[GordMay]

It’s been said that, invariably, men & women are both disappointed in their spouse.
Men marry women with the hope they will never change; but they always do.
Women marry men with the hope they will change; but they never do.

Rod Stewart said (something like):
Rather than get married (again); I think I’ll just find an ugly woman I really dislike, and give her a house.

[Stillraining]

I have a different ploy....I have parked my butt in front of this computer screen for the last two years...now my wife is the one getting restless....

Its seems to be working..

I think in a couple more years she will be game for anything..

[surfmachine]

Shucks, my wife is home managing the investment properties and paying the visa card every month, whilst I cruise up in Thailand. "She might join me in Bali, if I'm near there in July, on her way to/from Canada!". She really enjoys her life and I enjoy mine, she doesn't like sailing boats , "they are too tippy!".

Just rounding Promthrep Cape @4.5 knots on the auto pilot, bound for Koh Phi Phi Don to spend the Thai new year.

She doesn't like sailing, I don't like watching the tv and mowing the lawns, we are still happily married!!!