Cancer

[Bulawayo]

How have others dealt with the sudden loss of someone that they have lived and breathed with so closely, for so long, that they feel part of you? .....and then, seemingly in a flash, they are taken from you? Just a week ago we were still laughing together.
Suddenly, the sun has lost its warmth. It is very difficult to type these words ............. feeling so heart broken whilst, deep down, knowing that time is a great healer - but how to get through the intervening period? it hurts.

[Wotname]

No easy way and allow the grief and anger and every other emotion to surface and flow.

I will try to send a PM when I can find better words...

[Steadman Uhlich]

BULAWAYO,

I am sorry to hear of your loss.

You and your wife have had an admirable time together. I am sure she will be missed by many, and that in itself is the sign of a life well lived.

Grief is a terrible thing, but each time I grieved at the loss of my parents, I replaced those thoughts with my many memories of their kindness, love, laughter, spirit, fun, and unique personalities. In that way, when I felt their loss, I replaced it with thoughts of how they were still with me, and always will be.

Regards and Condolences.
Steady

[Uncle Bob]

Originally Posted by Bulawayo

How have others dealt with the sudden loss of someone that they have lived and breathed with so closely, for so long, that they feel part of you? .....and then, seemingly in a flash, they are taken from you? Just a week ago we were still laughing together.
Suddenly, the sun has lost its warmth. It is very difficult to type these words ............. feeling so heart broken whilst, deep down, knowing that time is a great healer - but how to get through the intervening period? it hurts.

Been there done that, I wish you all the best in your upcoming journey.

One small step at a time, it hurts and probably always will but as they say in the classics, life goes on.

One piece of advice that I received was no big decisions for at least 12 months, proved to be the best that I received.
Bob.

FWIW your post bought a tear to my eye, it's been 20 years now for me.

[Seaworthy Lass]

Originally Posted by Bulawayo

How have others dealt with the sudden loss of someone that they have lived and breathed with so closely, for so long, that they feel part of you? .....and then, seemingly in a flash, they are taken from you? Just a week ago we were still laughing together.
Suddenly, the sun has lost its warmth. It is very difficult to type these words ............. feeling so heart broken whilst, deep down, knowing that time is a great healer - but how to get through the intervening period? it hurts.

Bulawayo, I extend my deepest sympathy.

Having suffered the loss of family members, despite not usually being prone to feeling down, I can only say that there was little I could do to lessen the pain. Time definitely does take the edge off it though. I think it is important to allow yourself to grieve.

The only advice I would give is don't isolate yourself from others during this time. Those closest to you will be wanting to help in any way they can. Accept any comfort they offer. Don't stop doing activities that normally make you feel good either, even if you feel numbed to them at the moment. In time these will start to provide you with glimmers of happiness again. The greatest tragedy is if you don't do this and the grief then takes over long term. That is essentially two lives lost then.

Angela x

[Diesel Bill]

Dear Bulawayo, Although I never met you I feel your pain. Your loss is so recent that no words will make you feel better. I lost my mom in 1971 and my only sister in 1999, both to cancer. The hurt never really goes away. I try to look at their pictures when I can and remember them kindly. My eyes are welling with tears as I type this. You were lucky to have shared your life and your love with someone you were so close to. Take care of your self and remember they want you to be happy. Some how life goes on.
Best of luck to you and remember you have a family here.

[Wotname]

In very similar circumstances very recently, a close friend said "Grief can feel so unknown until it touches us with its tenderness and ferocity." These words were helpful to us and therefore maybe to you...

This may well be your hardest storm you will ever face, care for yourself like you would for your boat and know everything is transient...

[boatman61]

Hi Bulawayo..
I'm sad to hear the moment has arrived.. my deepest sympathies and condolences..
I've never lost someone as close as you have but there have been folks I've cared about.. both suddenly and slowly.. so I have felt a little bit of the rage and sense of injustice your likely experiencing.
That subsides after a while I've found, and then I've remember the laughter and occasional tears shared and.. (some folks consider me a bit of a cold fish for this).. the person becomes someone who gone on a long adventurous voyage whom I think of often with great fondness and hope their having fun.
Occasionally I'll choke up briefly when alone but that's usually self pity and a memory of a funny moment shared shakes me out of it.
She will live as long as you do if you let her.. believe me.
Hang in there mate.

[a64pilot]

I am sorry for your loss, I don't know what to say, you will hurt, that has to happen.
All I can say it to try to live your life like she would have wanted you to do. That is a good way to honor her.

[boatpoker]

My wife and I grew up together. Our first date was 15yrs. We married at 20 so had a toal of 47yrs of the best marriage I could have imagined.

Honestly, time does not heal, it does not get better but you do learn to cope and you learn to get back on your feet.

I recently had the great good fortune of meeting another amazing woman who has brought me back to life. I consider my self the luckiest man who has ever lived.

You will find a way if you choose and believe me it's that simple, not easy but it is simple. You simply have to choose to get on with it.

I wish you all the best.

[daletournier]

Originally Posted by Bulawayo

How have others dealt with the sudden loss of someone that they have lived and breathed with so closely, for so long, that they feel part of you? .....and then, seemingly in a flash, they are taken from you? Just a week ago we were still laughing together.
Suddenly, the sun has lost its warmth. It is very difficult to type these words ............. feeling so heart broken whilst, deep down, knowing that time is a great healer - but how to get through the intervening period? it hurts.

Bulawayo, im terribly sorry. Its a shock. In the few messages that we spoke it was so obvious how much you thought of your wife, I feel for you.
You'll be ok.

[dannc]

Originally Posted by boatpoker

...
Honestly, time does not heal, it does not get better but you do learn to cope and you learn to get back on your feet.

I recently had the great good fortune of meeting another amazing woman who has brought me back to life. I consider my self the luckiest man who has ever lived.

You will find a way if you choose and believe me it's that simple, not easy but it is simple. You simply have to choose to get on with it.

....

This is some danged good advice.

One of the great lies is "Time Heals All Wounds." Bovine Scat that is. Time allows one to deal with the the loss, maybe grow some scar tissue and lesson the great sting of loss but the pain is still there no mater how deep it is buried. That pain is the mirror of ones attachment to another.

I have watched too many people die and seen the survivors deal with the loss. It takes time to recover and move on but it is possible. I have seen many people do so but it is a journey that does take time. Some of the people I have known who have lost a spouse found a new one. Others did not. Neither is right or wrong, it just is. Some have found a new person to share the life and others have not but all have found happiness again.

Deal with the loss. Take the time that is needed to grieve. This not the end of the book but the end of a chapter.

Later,
Dan

[JPA Cate]

Man, I wish I could just give you a hug!

It is such a hard, hard space you're in. You've had good advice above. Do not try and sidestep the pain, know that that pain does sometimes wear confusing masks, but just allow yourself to feel all of it. Not to do that, prolongs that. It's okay to have soggy pillows.

Just know that your CF friends are all wishing you healing, and respecting the heck out of you, and respecting the huge loss, as well.

Ann

[gamayun]

My condolences, Bulawayo. The love for your wife that comes through in your post touches me deeply. I hope you can take some comfort in the support you have on CF and that it will help you during this most difficult time.

[atoll]

i'm sorry to hear about your loss,i hope you find a way to come to terms with this gap in your family,if it is any consolation the cruising community,which is a type of family, will always find a place for kindered spirits.

Don't dwell too much on the past, start planning your future adventures Today,as i'm sure your partner would have wanted you to do...