Surprised Guy Here

[Cheechako]

Seen the yelling matches many times. Usually occurs when both are uptight about docking in a current etc. Sometimes people just need to learn to chill out....it's just a boat... if you bang the dock....well..... the world does not come to an end!

[Tim R.]

I got lucky. Introduced my wife to sailing many years ago and we are now sailing partners living aboard full time. She recognizes that I have more experience with boating and the maintenance of our boat. She is happy to be the paid labor and learn as she goes. While I could dictate most decisions about our boat we discuss our options together to get the best outcome for both of us.

Now if I could only get the dog to varnish!

Yelling is only allowed if two criteria are met: There is a danger to us or the boat and it is time sensitive.

[atoll]

Originally Posted by Cheechako

Seen the yelling matches many times. Usually occurs when both are uptight about docking in a current etc. Sometimes people just need to learn to chill out....it's just a boat... if you bang the dock....well..... the world does not come to an end!

i used to have to shout at the missus when we were cruising on our 63footer,but that was mainly because she was 60 ft away, dropping the anchor,.................

now we do most of our cruising on our 26footer i find i don't have to shout nearly as loud.....................

[denverd0n]

Originally Posted by atoll

i used to have to shout at the missus when we were cruising on our 63footer,but that was mainly because she was 60 ft away...

Well, yeah. My wife is a little bit hard of hearing, so I frequently need to raise the volume of my voice in order for her to hear me. But I think that is a very different sort of "yelling" than this thread is about.

[zeehag]

i sailed with a deaf guy in caribean. he always yelled and tone of voice said not anger or panic. one day he told me to keeep a spec¡cified course and engine died from bad fuel..ok wind blew us away from the reef we were close to, so i wasnt worried. when he came up onto deck he saw we were going some strange way, but he didnt take into account one is not able to SAIL into wind, so boat wouldnt go where he WANTED to go , so he yelled in anger and called me inept. i laughed at his 2 yrs of sailing and kept quiet. he did the yelling one more time--at his son in law, who wasnt quite fast enough to reef 2 sails in less than 5 minuets and we suffered a near knock down with spontaneous recovery. so that was son in laws fault.
many times is lack of knowledge and insecurity makes men yell.
man knew i had sailed all my life, and was not secure with his short span of 2or so years. seems that some insecurity is linked to testosterone

[FSMike]

I was training a young dockhand once, and one day a 35-40 power boat being driven by a female captain came in to tie up. The young guy expressed doubt that the docking would be successful, and I asked him why. He replied "Because it's a woman!" I told him the docking would be perfect because "Women don't have any balls, and therefore they don't have any need to prove it."
The docking was, of course, perfect.

[Rakuflames]

Originally Posted by Celestialsailor

I'm always amazed that these marriages stay together. All I can figure out is the spouse (male or female) had some form of abuse as a child and is learned behavior on both sides.

Yes. I know a few couples like this, and it seems that both husband and wife are actually "in their comfort zone." It seems to be what they want in a relationship. I can't think of any other explanation, because it's not that hard to get out of a marriage any more. I don't think it's just boat behavior, either. I think it happens while one is driving and the other a passenger, deciding where to put the couch, etc., etc, etc.

[Rakuflames]

Originally Posted by atoll

mine just rebuilt the head pump!
,constructed new shelving in the galley,
can start the 25hp on the rib and drive it at speed......(scary),
amongst other things!

now how do you get the kids trained............?

From what I've seen, you start early. I remember seeing the local Boat US captain bringing his boat in. His 3-year old daughter was with him -- and properly coiling a line. Other couples in our club clearly have started early, because the two 11 year old boys can raft two boats up -- and release them -- with the best of them. They also have an awful lot of fun swinging around the mast in bosun chairs, and climing the ratlines put up for children's amusement.

On one of the boats (OK it's a big sailboat, but still) ... the parents have installed a salt water aquarium. The kids catch things, put them in the aquarium and watch them, and then release them. It was really amazing to see last summer when we had so much bioluminescent algae. They would turn off all the lights below and then the real light show would begin.

[atoll]

Originally Posted by Rakuflames

From what I've seen, you start early. I remember seeing the local Boat US captain bringing his boat in. His 3-year old daughter was with him -- and properly coiling a line. Other couples in our club clearly have started early, because the two 11 year old boys can raft two boats up -- and release them -- with the best of them. They also have an awful lot of fun swinging around the mast in bosun chairs, and climing the ratlines put up for children's amusement.

On one of the boats (OK it's a big sailboat, but still) ... the parents have installed a salt water aquarium. The kids catch things, put them in the aquarium and watch them, and then release them. It was really amazing to see last summer when we had so much bioluminescent algae. They would turn off all the lights below and then the real light show would begin.

my kids after sailing over 60,000 miles are both great sailors........
but seem to have developed "Selective Hearing",

especially if a sentence has the words .........
"Tidy room,Dishes need washing,or It is bedtime."..............other words like "Homework,Pick up your stuff,Call if you are going to be late" don't register at all.............

i have given up shouting............but am seriously considering a radio controlled shock device...................

funny thing is ......... if i mention "I am turning off the internet!",they hear me instantly,even when wearing headphones

[hpeer]

We yell at one another, for a variety of reasons most of which are stated here.

After 25 years we are still working out our frustrations and fears.

It's not our comfort zone, but our discomfort zone.

I think we get over it before those that witness it do.

Not supporting or defending it, but it is the way we are.

OTOH we are still going strong. And making adjustments. And things are getting better.

I remember one day we were putting up the wind gen. I had the heavy end, Wife had the leverage and was spinning me right off the boat. I told her to let go, let go, take your hands off, DROP IT OR I CUT YOUR HANDS OFF!

The last one, yelled with FULL force finally got through.

She had just plain frozen, locked solid, could hear my words but could NOT let her hands go. Paralyzed in a death grip. She explained that for her it was counterintuitive to let go, and thus could not.

She has equally (at least) flattering tales of my elegance.

Still, we work together and enjoy one another's company.

PS...She read and approved this post.

[Rakuflames]

Originally Posted by Tim R.

I got lucky. Introduced my wife to sailing many years ago and we are now sailing partners living aboard full time. She recognizes that I have more experience with boating and the maintenance of our boat. She is happy to be the paid labor and learn as she goes. While I could dictate most decisions about our boat we discuss our options together to get the best outcome for both of us.

Now if I could only get the dog to varnish!

Yelling is only allowed if two criteria are met: There is a danger to us or the boat and it is time sensitive.

Even then, there's a huge difference between "Look out for that barge!" and "Don't you see that barge YOU STUPID WORTHLESS IDIOT!"

To me, the first is just communicating. Maybe you only have one shot to avoid a big problem and you have to be certain you're heard. That's more projection than shouting.

[Rakuflames]

Originally Posted by FSMike

I was training a young dockhand once, and one day a 35-40 power boat being driven by a female captain came in to tie up. The young guy expressed doubt that the docking would be successful, and I asked him why. He replied "Because it's a woman!" I told him the docking would be perfect because "Women don't have any balls, and therefore they don't have any need to prove it."
The docking was, of course, perfect.

I think there's something to that -- not for ALL men but for maybe a signifivant minority.

But I've also met men who have taken me under their wing not because they wanted to show off but because they knew they had a really useful skill they could teach me. For the men whose interest in boats seem to be driven more by ego than love of sailing, I just thank them for their advice and walk on.

Anyone, male or female, who actually *looks first* to see if you actually *need* the information they want to give you (someone wanted to explain the points of sail to me six months ago. I do not seek him out!) -- is GOLDEN. This is a person to bring chocolate chip cookies to at lunch and beer at sundown.

[Rakuflames]

Originally Posted by atoll

my kids after sailing over 60,000 miles are both great sailors........
but seem to have developed "Selective Hearing",

especially if a sentence has the words .........
"Tidy room,Dishes need washing,or It is bedtime."..............other words like "Homework,Pick up your stuff,Call if you are going to be late" don't register at all.............

i have given up shouting............but am seriously considering a radio controlled shock device...................

funny thing is ......... if i mention "I am turning off the internet!",they hear me instantly,even when wearing headphones

That's just kids being kids. But kids WANT to learn and WANT to be truly useful (they do not see making their berth tidy on a small boat "useful.") And yes, cutting off the internet is the ultimate tool. LOL one day I took away TV and gaming privileges fo first born -- for a whole HOUR!!! She kept going back into the family room to turn them on, and I'd tell her the hour just started over.

After this happened twice, I just went to the breaker box and threw the circuit breaker for the family room. She came to me after about 20 minutes and said, "Mom, I know I'm not supposed to know this, but there's something wrong with ... er ... the ... LAMP! -- in the family room."

"Really?" I said. "Try that lamp again in 40 minutes ..."

[rw58ph]

My wife and I have been married long enough we know each other duties/responsibilities. My primary duty responsibility is to serve, protect her and do what she says. So there is little reason for me to argue/raise my voice. The last time we where out, I got the boat ready to leave the dock, at which time my wife took her position on the stern deck, untied the stern line, held with one wrap until I Ok her to release. During the cruise she sat reading, playing video games, napping in the pilot house and periodically took the helm as long as the boat was on auto pilot and no other boats around. When we dock it was the same as it’s my responsibility to get the stern close enough to the dock for her cleat the stern line and hold until I get the middle line cleat.

If we are not docking at our permanent slip, then she will stand on the bow and give me directions, which she does anyway, as from the pilot house its hard to see over the high bow. However if she give me wrong direction it’s still my fault for following her directions. So again there it’s no use shouting/yelling. As its my fault either way!

[Red Sky]

I agree with Tim R. (another lucky man that owns a Caliber) that those are the prerequisites for raising the voice. I also find raising my voice is more difficult when I remember to add a please or a thank you to the sentence.