The Joke Thread

[osirissail]

Originally Posted by BandB

Wifey B: I have a question about Rolex. Do they give you a better time? I mean they should with what they cost.

Maybe a better question would be:
Does the Rolex give you more time?
After all, it sure costs a lot more money.

If it did then it just might be worth more money.

[BandB]

Originally Posted by osirissail

Maybe a better question would be:
Does the Rolex give you more time?
After all, it sure costs a lot more money.

If it did then it just might be worth more money.

Ok, I'm blonde so ok for me to do blonde joke....

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had
acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their
names were...
The blonde responded by saying that one was named
Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming
dogs like that?"
"HELLOOOOOO," answered the blond. "They're
watch dogs!"

And advice:

Never buy a Rolex from someone who is out of breath.

And a bit of mis-communication:

The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday, which was very nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch."

And one last one:

Blonde walks into the jewelry store and says she's interested in a Rolex for herself. The salesman says 'certainly, here we have the Lady Datejust. Oyster Perpetual, Jubilee bracelet, fluted bezel, and the date prominently displayed at three-o-clock."

Blonde thinks for a minute and says 'Wow, those Rolex guys are stupid. What if I need to know the date and it's not three-o-clock yet?'

[DoubleWhisky]

Originally Posted by captain58sailin

These were really good copies, they even kept good time. Last I heard they are going for around $150 per.

May be even made in the same factory in China, just after the time reserved for originals

[DoubleWhisky]

Originally Posted by carstenb

Oh cheap shot

But is is a luxurious boat. Besides, if it is deck candy - what do they know?

Is the deck candy the same as deck fluff???

Oh, and You do have a Giant Schnautzer also, I suppose???

[Coops]

Jokes, jokes we need in here, not conversation.

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! ..
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore,

You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly.

'In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.'

£5.00 says you're going to read this again

Coops.

[Coops]

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice, the church organist,

was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness

and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor

came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,

The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.


The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!


When she returned

With tea and scones,


They began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity

about the bowl of water and its strange floater,

but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.


'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'

pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ,

keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

Coops.

[Coops]

WICOE
(Women In Charge Of Everything)

Is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts..

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
Open forum


DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available

Coops.

[Coops]

The Value of a Drink




"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




"I feel sorry for people who don't drink.

When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.

So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer.

Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,

but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.

Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Naum, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not !
_________________

Coops.

[Jon Hacking]

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to shoot at Tax Collectors ... and miss! -- Robert Heinlein

[goboatingnow]

A man's car breaks down at the side of the road. He pops the hood open and peers inside. Suddenly, he hears a voice from behind him.

"Your fan belt is broken," the voice says.

The motorist swings around but only sees two horses standing in a field. Feeling rather unnerved but desperate he looks at the fan belt, which is totally shot.

Suddenly, he hears the same voice from over his shoulder. "See, told you so," says the voice.

Again, all he sees behind him are the two horses. Really panicked by this, he fixes it with an old pair of his wife's pantyhose that he finds in his trunk. He then jumps in his car and after he's been driving for five minutes, he sees a bar and pulls in for a drink to steady his nerves.

"You look like you've seen a ghost," says the bartender as he serves him a beer. The disturbed driver tells the bartender all about it over his drink.

"Hmmm," says the bartender: "Was it the black horse or the white horse?"

"The white horse," replies the motorist: "Why?" "That's lucky," says the bartender: "that black horse doesn’t know sh*t about cars."

Dave


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[carstenb]

Originally Posted by DoubleWhisky

Is the deck candy the same as deck fluff???

Oh, and You do have a Giant Schnautzer also, I suppose???

Sorry - Scottish Terrier,

[captain58sailin]

Here's one that is older than dirt, stop me if you've heard it before, ooops too late! A fella was driving past an insane asylum and had a flat tire. So he stops and there are a bunch of guys from the asylum leaning on the fence watching him. So he gets out and jacks the car up and takes off the lug nuts, puts them in the hub, and pulls off the flat tire. When he turns around with the tire, he steps on the hub cap and slings the lug nuts into a ditch full of water. So he puts the spare on the hub, and starts fishing in the ditch for the lug nuts, no luck. So he sits down on the bank wondering what to do. One of the guys from the asylums speaks up and says " why don't you just take one nut off of each of the other tires and use them on the spare, at least that will get you to town". The man looks up smiling "Why that's a great idea, what you doing in that place?", the inmate replied " I might be crazy, but I'm not stupid".

[D&D]

5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

A priest offered a Nun a lift...

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.....

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 2:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'




'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..' Poof! She's gone..

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. ..

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!




THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.

[avb3]

Something fishy about this boat:

[Cavalier]

Originally Posted by avb3

Something fishy about this boat:

"Excuse me, do you have any comically desecrated fish on the menu?"