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Old 11-10-2013, 19:53   #2611
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Re: The Joke Thread

Judy married Ted and had 13 children. Then Ted died of cancer.

She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Then Bob was killed in a car accident.

Judy again remarried, and she had 5 more children with John.

Eventually, after bearing 25 children, Judy died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her, thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret ...

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel...."

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Old 11-10-2013, 19:54   #2612
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Six Truths in Life 1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility. 2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it. 3. And discover #1 is a lie. 4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot. 5. You soon will forward this to another idiot. 6. There is still a stupid smile on your face ..... I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company. Coops.
ok, you got me. Thanks, I needed that.
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Old 11-10-2013, 19:55   #2613
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Re: The Joke Thread

Sign posted at a golf club in Scotland


1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP..

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE... NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS AND GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.__._,_.___

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Old 11-10-2013, 21:20   #2614
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Re: The Joke Thread

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Originally Posted by SV Sea Monkey View Post
ok, you got me. Thanks, I needed that.
me too ...

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Old 12-10-2013, 05:35   #2615
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Re: The Joke Thread

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=113175945557703

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Old 12-10-2013, 07:14   #2616
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Re: The Joke Thread

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree-hugging, liberal Democrat and
an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She
wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started
to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked
her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the
ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain,
she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an
environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to
get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told
her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could
help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor
reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took so long?" He
smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau
of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a
'recreational area' so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm
sorry, but due to Obama-care they turned you down."
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Old 13-10-2013, 00:12   #2617
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Six Truths in Life 6. There is still a stupid smile on your face ..... I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company. Coops.

Idiot #3. Reporting. Glad I'm not the only one!!
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Old 13-10-2013, 15:52   #2618
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Re: The Joke Thread

I couldn't find the thingy that turns the TV on today, so I asked one of the kids if they'd seen it.

They said she left me yesterday.

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Old 13-10-2013, 15:55   #2619
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Re: The Joke Thread

USA economy
"Well…How bad is it ???

Jury Duty is now considered a good-paying job.
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials !
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that ? “
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
My ATM gave me an IOU !
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with the purchase was a bank.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them..
McDonald's is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned the names of their children..
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they have repossessed her!.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
Motel Six won't leave the light on for you anymore.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
They renamed Wall Street “Wal-Mart Street”.
One of the casinos in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

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Old 13-10-2013, 15:58   #2620
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Re: The Joke Thread

Marriage is like a deck of cards
In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond
By the end you'll wish you had a ****ing club and a spade.

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Old 13-10-2013, 16:00   #2621
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Re: The Joke Thread

The Kiss
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you" She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, he says, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that - One, you have to be single and two, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfils the fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.

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Old 13-10-2013, 16:02   #2622
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Re: The Joke Thread

Top Ten Rejected Titles For Broke Back Mountain!
10. "Not-That-There's-Anything-Wrong- With-That Mountain"
9. "Wyatt Slurp"
8. "For A Few Dollars More We Can Make It A Threesome"
7. "Long Ranger"
6. "Go West Young Man...Now South...a Little More South...OH GOD YES RIGHT THERE!"
5. "Bunanza"
4. "The Good, The Bad and the Fabulous"
3. "Broke My Back Mounting Him"
2. "Fun With Dick In James"
1. "Oklahomo"

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Old 13-10-2013, 16:08   #2623
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Re: The Joke Thread

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH :

1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound intelligent
2. Own half the world's perfume industry and still never use deodorant
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on late night films on Channel SBS
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just sh*t in the street
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not



TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :

1. You can have a woman president without electing her
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
3. You can call Budweiser beer
4. You can be a crook/adulterer and still be president
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth for no reason at all



TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :

1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah
2. Warm beer
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
5. Union jack underpants
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power
8. Fish and chips (with or without a mullet)
9. Beats being Welsh
10. Or Scottish

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Old 13-10-2013, 16:09   #2624
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Re: The Joke Thread

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :

1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
2. Unembarrassed to wear leopard skin
3. No need to worry about tax returns
4. Glorious military history... well, till about 400 AD
5. Can wear sunglasses inside
6. Political stability
7. Flexible working hours
8. Live near the Pope
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers



TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH:

1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing
6. Honesty
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls
8. You get to eat bulls' testicles
9. Gibraltar
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War



TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN :

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.



TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN :

1. Chicken Madras
2. Lamb Passanda
3. Onion Bhaji
4. Bombay Potato
5. Chicken Tikka Masala
6. Rogan Josh
7. Popadoms
8. Chicken Dopiaza
9. Meat Bhuna
10. Kingfisher lager



TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH: 1 to 10. Sheep



TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH :

1. Guinness
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road
4. Pubs never close
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on
6. No one can ever remember the night before
7. Kill people you don't agree with
8. Stew
9. More Guinness
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence



TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN :

1. It beats being an American
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins
9. Own-an-eskimo scheme
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN:

1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering ba$tard that no civilised nation on earth wanted (ie: You get to live in what was Britain's largest "open prison")
2. Fosters Lager
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you, when in fact it should belong to England
4. Annihilate England every time you play them at cricket, well most times
5. Tact and sensitivity
6. Bondi Beach
7. Other beaches
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach



TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING A KIWI:

1. Get to shag chicks that resemble Jonah Lomu in a frock
2. Beer
3. Rugby
4. See above
5. See above
6. See above
7. See above
8. See above
9. You can tap a girl on her head and her knickers fall down
10. Hate everyone else ......unless its their round

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Old 13-10-2013, 16:11   #2625
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Re: The Joke Thread

A Priest entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won again.

The local paper read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Priest not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Priest to get rid of the donkey.

The Priest decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted!

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is: being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Coops.
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