Cruisers Forum

Closed Thread
Thread Tools Search this Thread Rating: Thread Rating: 11 votes, 4.45 average. Display Modes
Old 10-02-2011, 12:23   #1111
Senior Cruiser
delmarrey's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Philippines
Boat: It’s in French Polynesia now
Posts: 11,215
Images: 122
Originally Posted by atoll View Post
works better with a blocked nose
Easier to say with a blocked nose.
Faithful are the Wounds of a Friend, but the Kisses of the Enemy are Deceitful! ........
The measure of a man is how he navigates to a proper shore in the mist of a storm!
delmarrey is offline  
Old 11-02-2011, 10:36   #1112
Registered User
sailingmonica's Avatar

Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Boat: Custom Cutter 38
Posts: 204
A man owned a small farm in Ireland . The Irish Internal Revenue determined he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an investigator out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them!," demanded the investigator.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board."

"Then there's the halfwit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 a week. He pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to...the halfwit!" said the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened.
sailingmonica is offline  
Old 11-02-2011, 17:40   #1113

Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 1,129
very funny....
Bergovoy is offline  
Old 11-02-2011, 18:09   #1114
Registered User
snort's Avatar

Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Trunk (boot) of my car
Boat: Tinker Traveller...a dozen feet of bluewater awesomeness!
Posts: 1,178
Cap'n Hook

Borrowing from this one....

Question: How did Captain Hook die?

Answer: Jock itch

Originally Posted by Spin_Drift View Post
Glad you liked it...


A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible".

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine"

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm
fine now".

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really".

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up
and one of them crapped in my eye".

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just
from some bird crap?"

"It was my first day with the hook"

snort is offline  
Old 11-02-2011, 18:40   #1115
Registered User

Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 33
Smart Pig

A traveling salesman came upon an old farmer sitting on his porch, next to the farmer was a pig with only one leg. The salesman was about to give his sales pitch when his curiosity got the best of him.

"Excuse me sir, but why does your pig only have one leg?" asked the salesman.

"Well sonny, I'll tell ya. One day I was out plowing the back 40 when my tractor overturned, pinning me underneath. I was losing blood and thought I would die when that pig came running. He dug and rooted around with his nose till he got me out and he dragged me back to the house. Saved my life that pig did."

"Wow, that's really amazing," said the salesman, "but I still don't know why the pig only has one leg."

"Well I'll tell ya," said the farmer. "One night me and the wife were asleep at about 3am when a fire broke out in the kitchen. Well that pig broke down the door, came into our bedroom waking us up and getting us out before the fire could get us, saved our lives that pig did!"

"Well that's really great but why does the pig only have one leg?"

"Well sonny, when you get a pig that smart, you don't want to eat him all at once!"
vbrent is offline  
Old 14-02-2011, 12:34   #1116
Moderator Emeritus
hummingway's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Gabriola Island & Victoria, British Columbia
Boat: Cooper 416 Honeysuckle
Posts: 6,933
Images: 5
A special valentine for y'all

Click image for larger version

Name:	redneck.jpg
Views:	573
Size:	211.0 KB
ID:	23802
“We are the universe contemplating itself” - Carl Sagan

hummingway is offline  
Old 14-02-2011, 13:01   #1117
Registered User
scook1's Avatar

Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Bourbonnais, Illinois
Boat: McGregor venture 15 "IMP"
Posts: 506
Where your family tree, might be a wreath!
Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air…
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
scook1 is offline  
Old 14-02-2011, 13:32   #1118

Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 1,129
i think it unfare that we make so many jokes about rednecks and hillbillys and such... we really owe them a lot.

specifically, we owe the TOOTHBRUSH to hillbillys... if it werent for them, we would be calling it TEETHbrushes
Bergovoy is offline  
Old 14-02-2011, 18:21   #1119
Senior Cruiser
delmarrey's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Philippines
Boat: It’s in French Polynesia now
Posts: 11,215
Images: 122
Awh! Thar ain't nut'n wrong wit be'n a hillbilly. They's now call'n it an allterative life style. Ooop! Time to go fish'n.

Faithful are the Wounds of a Friend, but the Kisses of the Enemy are Deceitful! ........
The measure of a man is how he navigates to a proper shore in the mist of a storm!
delmarrey is offline  
Old 15-02-2011, 16:18   #1120
CF Adviser
Pelagic's Avatar

Join Date: Oct 2007
Boat: Van Helleman Schooner 65ft StarGazer
Posts: 9,287
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint
of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts
flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"
"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.
"Oh so sad dear" says the other.
"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21"
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born".
"He's a martyr too " says mum quietly.
"Oh gracious me ...." says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18", she whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school".
"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second muslim mother looks wistfully at
the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Pelagic is offline  
Old 15-02-2011, 17:17   #1121

Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 1,129
oh, how friggin funny
Bergovoy is offline  
Old 15-02-2011, 17:25   #1122
Registered User

Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Erie Canal between Rochester & Buffalo
Boat: 1970 23' O'day pop-top
Posts: 471
You're a feminist? That's so cute.
kenny chaos is offline  
Old 15-02-2011, 17:52   #1123
Registered User
Cormorant's Avatar

Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Catskill Mountains when not cruising
Boat: 31' homebuilt Michalak-designed Cormorant "Sea Fever"
Posts: 2,100
The Redneck Love poem put me in mind of "I'm My Own Grandpa," which many people know as a one-liner, but not the whole song. It's worth Googling to hear Ray Stevens or Willie Nelson sing it.


Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three
I was married to a widow who was pretty as could be
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red
My father fell in love with her and soon they too were wed

This made my dad my son-in-law and really changed my life
For now my daughter was my mother, 'cause she was my father's wife
And to complicate the matter, even though it brought me joy
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad
For if he were my uncle, then that also made him brother
Of the widow's grownup daughter, who was of course my step-mother

Father's wife then had a son who kept them on the run
And he became my grandchild, for he was my daughter's son
My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue
Because although she is my wife, she's my grandmother too

Now if my wife is my grandmother, then I'm her grandchild
And every time I think of it, it nearly drives me wild
'Cause now I have become the strangest 'case you ever saw
As husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa

I'm my own grandpa, I'm my own grandpa
It sounds funny, I know but it really is so
I'm my own grandpa
Cormorant is offline  
Old 15-02-2011, 22:29   #1124
Registered User

Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 679
The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well,how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
Wand is offline  
Old 23-02-2011, 08:57   #1125
Senior Cruiser
GordMay's Avatar

Cruisers Forum Supporter

Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Thunder Bay, Ontario - 48-29N x 89-20W
Boat: (Cruiser Living On Dirt)
Posts: 38,986
Images: 241
Re: The Joke Thread

Signs of my time ...
Attached Thumbnails
Click image for larger version

Name:	SeniorCenterSigns.jpg
Views:	338
Size:	176.1 KB
ID:	24120  
Gord May
"If you didn't have the time or money to do it right in the first place, when will you get the time/$ to fix it?"

GordMay is online now  
Closed Thread

Jokes, paracelle

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off

Advertise Here

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 14:46.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Social Knowledge Networks
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.

ShowCase vBulletin Plugins by Drive Thru Online, Inc.