Funny Things I Did in the Navy

[Allan S]

I greased a Chiefs ear piecs on his phone with black grease then called him. 13 weekend duty watches in a row ensued, my whole summer was sht. ......Allan

[Mule]

Don't screw with the Chief, uhh, I guess you know that already.

[Mule]

On the bridge there is a board, I for get what we called it. We kept the status of "stuff" . This was written on with grease pencils.

Yep, color in the Commodores (we liked our skipper) eye piece with the grease pencil. Once we set him up with an ink pad so he had circles around his eyes. It was a real pain in the ass to be the flagship.

[GordMay]

Originally Posted by Mule

On the bridge there is a board, I for get what we called it. We kept the status of "stuff" ...

Was it a Manoeuvring Board, for solving relative motion problems.
Bearing and distance marks from the centre, and scales at the sides, allow quick and easy plotting of course and speed vectors, for calculation of course and speed to intercept (or to avoid) another vessel ?

➥ NGA: NGA Publications - Radar Navigation and Maneuvering Board Manual

[LtBrett]

All of a sudden, I'm reliving my 20's. Where to start:
-the forward lookout who was caught pleasuring himself when his relief showed up?
-The very expensive pump that was pitched overboard on the orders of an ignorant, arrogant chief engineer?
-The seagull that got fried by a tomahawk launch?
-Ordering a new armory just because I could? Absolutely, Captain. We really need 40mm grenade launchers.
-The game of stealing the antlers from the USS Moosebrugger?
-Getting so drunk in Russia that one of the helo hangers was turned into a drunk tank?

No, my favorite story is about an a-hole LT getting his just deserts. His name was Carther, and at some shortsighted moment he let it slip that he was called scooter as a kid. He was a senior division officer and thought he knew everything. He stood about 5'6" and looked to be about 17. He made up for his looks with attitude--mostly in your face, condescending, and abrupt. As Command Duty Oficer (CDO), he was in charge of the ship in port while the CO was ashore. He regarded himself as the lord of his domain. What he didn't count on was someone more powerful than himself--the Disbursing Officer, Tom. Tom, Scooter and I were in the same duty section, meaning that while Scooter was CDO, Tom and I would stand deck watch. Tom figured out that the very best way to tick off Scooter was to call him by that name. Yes, Scooter outranked him, but Tom was not a line officer (meaning he didn't need Scooter for anything) and he knew he was getting out of the Navy at the end of his tour. So Tom would greet Scooter with a friendly "Hi Scooter" which prompted a huge angry tirade. So Tom escallated. I heard over the 1MC "On deck all 8 o'clock reports. 8 O'clock reports will be taken in the centerline p-way by the command scooter officer."

This blazing little ball of blonde hair and spittle shot past me down to where Tom was standing watch. "No sir, I don't know what you are talking about," Tom said. Everyone hated Scooter, so Tom's denials were backed up by everyone.

A couple of weeks later, our watch rotations synched up again. "Duty Scooter, your presence is requested on the quarterdeck." Carther was about as red as a tomato, screaming at the top of his lungs. Tom was concealing a wry smile while insisting he called for the on duty electrician or something. I just about fell over laughing. Carther noticed me and turned his flame sprayer in my direction. I looked down at him, asked if he ever considered brushing his teeth, and walked away. This cat and mouse game continued for months, until Carther finally transferred off the ship. It is customary to bong off officers on the 1mc when they leave the ship for the last time. "LT Carther ___, Departing." Followed shortly after by "Scooter, Departing!"

Brett

[Daddy's Dream]

Camp Johnson..... wow, it's been years since I heard that name. I was at New River Air Station for 4 years. Oh yes fun fun fun. Running after flight line tap, sky hooks and left handed wrenches.

I guess it's ok to add a Marine story to these after all the Marines is a Department of the Navy.........

The Mens Department:cubalibre

[anjou]

Beware the danger of a girl in each port

I dont have first hand experience but a school friend joined the Royal Navy to "see the world" as all the adverts used to promise back in the 70s.

After almost 3 years shore based, the furthest he ever got was a weekend trip round the Baltic in a mine sweeper.

Jamie grew up in Milford Haven where we went to school but he was based in Plymouth and had a girlfriend in both places. He was due some christmas leave one year and the night before going on leave, he took his Plymouth girl out in his car, and naturally, he got his christmas present in the back seat.

2 days later back home in Milford, he was out again with his other girl, ...........getting his christmas present, ........in the back seat of his car, and the windows were steaming up. Then his girl noticed the outline of female sized feet on the window glass and realised they wernt hers.

Kinda spoiled the moment a little and they split up.


By thy sins thou shall be found out.

[markpj23]

While stationed on a ship home ported in Guam, as a newly minted mustang LT I took 2 female officer shipmates out for a day of water skiing behind the boston whaler provided by the Welfare & Recreation fund for the crew to use.

Since I was a hot-shot LT the rules about staying within Apra harbor of course did not apply to me, and we ran down the coast about 5 miles or so to Cetti Bay. A great little bay completely isolated and undeveloped (at the time anyway).

Of course the no-booze aboard rules also did not apply to me and we were soon 3 sheets to the wind, waterskiing naked behind the rec boat. Can you count the chargeable offenses here?

Ah those were the days...... and we got away with that one...

I never did understand those guys who hated having women in the Navy....

[Allan S]

A Petty Officer of mine had a girlfriend in Boston Mass. and a wife in Halifax NS. We came along side Halifax after a trip and his wife and girlfriend were standing beside each other totally oblivious of each others existence. What could he do except apologize to the very young Officer Of the Day before he slugged him, lightly of course. Being escorted to cells was much more preferable than comming clean to hi women I guess. Cripes, whole series of books could be written about Naval shennigans.....Man I miss the Navy....Allan

[mmckee1952]

We had a guy in our division who was so jealous of his wife it wasn't funny. We rigged a gag on him, we were getting underway for a three week local op off San Diego and we had a guy who was new to the boat who was staying ashore to stand right behind this guy's wife and put his arm up behind her to where it looked as if he had it around her shoulders from the boat. The husband / Jealous butt head went completly nuts, we didn't think what it would be like to have to live with him for the next three weeks, but we did. It wasn't until just prior to pulling in that we told him about the joke on him, needless to say he didn't think it was very funny.

[Lodesman]

Originally Posted by GordMay

Was it a Manoeuvring Board, for solving relative motion problems.

I think Mule was referring to a State-board. There are stateboards on the Bridge, in Ops (or CIC), DCHQ, and some other places for noting what's turned on, state of the weather, EMCON state, DCC etc, etc.

[mmckee1952]

We had this sqirrel who was told to clean out this compartment that we were turning over to another division the next day, no big thing right? Well about the time when the crew was going to go on liberty myself and the LPO were going around to check the progress on the guy. We opened the door to the space and started looking around and say that nothing had been done, as se were moving through the space towards the back we saw a arm sticking out from a rack all the way in the back, as we stood beside the rack, the guy must have sensed us and without missing a beat he looked over at us and said in the most dramatic way he could muster "Boy I am glad you guys found me, I must have gotten shocked by a loose wire as I was cleaning this bunk and got knocked out somehow".
Boy you could have knocked us down with a feather with that, not only did he think we believed him bit we would let him off the hook on cleaning the space. As you can think, we didn't, he spent the rest of the night cleaning and didn't get to go anywhere until the duty OS1 verified that everything was complete -IE- 2am.
It just goes to show you that sometimes what goes around comes around.

Mike
OSCS

PS: Yes don't screw around with us boys in the goat locker.

[mmckee1952]

While going around to the various spaces during the past few weeks with the LPO too see how things were going while in the Long Beach Naval Yard for repairs, I noticed that during that time I couldn?t quite account for one of our, how should I say it, BACK SLIDERS, who was three weeks from getting out and out of my CIC division.
As we were going down the out side deck, we saw a foot disappearing into an over head void and low and behold it was our SLACKER, who had been disappearing in there for who knows how long. Well needless to say the LPO got a ear full at not keeping track on this ass hole.
I figured I would watch him after quarters the next day and low and behold, he went straight to this hide-a way he had made for himself. I asked the HT Chief what the void was and if I could secure it without and problems, after I informed him as to what was going on in there and he said it was completely safe to secure it.
After my SLACKER slithered up into his love nest, I put a lock on the hatch and told the CDO and leading LPO for the night?s duty section that they could let this guy out around the 0400 to 0800 watch goes on watch, and to remove this guys ID card so he couldn?t get off the ship.
After quarters the next day Mr. SLACKER was brought to the Goat locker and was asked in front of about 8 other Chiefs what the F*ck he thought he was, and it sure wasn?t anybody?s pud that was for sure. He said that we didn?t have the right to lock him in the void, to which I asked him would he rather go on restricted liberty for the next three weeks or would he like to see the Commanding Officer, which he had seen about 4 times in two years, needless to say he didn?t want to have the CO put him in the brig, to which he was told at his last CO?s mast if he ever was seen again by the CO.
So after three weeks of informal restriction, our Mr. Houdini said good by and good riddance.

[Lodesman]

Originally Posted by Allan S

A Petty Officer of mine had a girlfriend in Boston Mass. and a wife in Halifax NS. We came along side Halifax after a trip and his wife and girlfriend were standing beside each other totally oblivious of each others existence. What could he do except apologize to the very young Officer Of the Day before he slugged him, lightly of course. Being escorted to cells was much more preferable than comming clean to hi women I guess. Cripes, whole series of books could be written about Naval shennigans.....Man I miss the Navy....Allan

I've heard this story and always wondered if it was an urban legend. Probably happened dozens of times - sailors never learn.

Another story heard from numerous sources but never verified: During Workups on board one of the Sweepers on the West coast - the sea trainers cooked up a scenario where the XO put a wet-suit under his combats, then he and the Sea Training Chief went to the quarterdeck and acted out an argument; the argument got more and more heated and finally the Chief grabbed the XO and hurled him over the transom. He waits a couple seconds then expecting the Lifebuoy Sentry (Aft lookout) to raise the man overboard alarm, he prompts him by asking "Well, what are you going to do?"
The young Killick, still looking aft as the bobbing XO shrinks in the distance says "Nothin' Chief; didn't see a thing."

[markpj23]

These stories reminded me that aboard the good ship Dixie in the late 70s we had a storekeeper / SKSN type who failed to notice that the Captain had entered the storeroom he was working in on the 5th deck (way in the bowels of the ship). It being quitting time, the SK locked up the storeroom as he left and went to chow.

We started to get worried when they passed the word "Commanding Officer please contact the bridge" about 4 times that evening. Eventually launched a search party and found the CO sitting on a bale of rags. His only words as he left were "this space needs a field day."

That episode earned a page in the cruise book. We always knew there was a good reason that the XO conduct zone inspections.... COs get lost